wading pool

This is my one hundred and first blog.
reading over them i see my growth.
i see how i changed.
i see when i became a women.
or more womanly.
more crazy.
more scary.
more depressing.
i see when i became myself.
the old me was naive.
the old me was scared of me.
but now I'm out.
I'm out of that shell.
of course its my favourite dress up.
i wear it most of the time.
but i can sleep in my own skin.
i can smile outside of the shell.
i have a smile.
I CAN SMILE!
i feel like I've just seen the sky for the first time.
everyone used to bring me down.
everything.
but somehow i found out how to float.
i learnt to swim.
i used to drown in my sorrows,
and now i wade in them and wait to find the land.
and maybe,
just maybe,
there's land ahoy.
touch wood for me guys.
I'm sailing into shore.
deep breaths.
wish me luck.
niah xx

call to the world

this is my call to the world
hear me
hear my cries for help
because right now im alone
everyone is busy
everyone has problems of their own
so now im alone.
no on sits beside me
sorting through my head
telling me which ways forward
so i dont go backwards instead.
loniless has a way of eating you
pulling you deep inside of it
it being the thing your pulled into
it being simply named it.
this is my call to the world
hear me
hear my laughter
hear how layered my emotions are
hear my pain my suffering
hear my scars.
hear how deep everything goes
every word
every sound
every smile
every curse
hear how much you mean to me
hear my friends
my family
my self.
hear the wonders inside my body
that no one else can see
except for me.
and him.
but hes not my him anymore.
hes his.
so no one sees my wonders.
no one but me.
this is my call to the world.
hear me
see me
look closer
be closer
move closer
im lonely
im alone
whoever you are
i need you.
you.
not them.
if you hear my call.
then its your fate to help me.
this is my call to the world.

Hope Abrams

You know in new moon how she talks about a hole?
it's funny because i never really got it.
ive been numb
ive been sore
ive been hurt
ive been broken
but never before have i felt like this
like everytime i think of him im going to vomit
like the emotions rise up and constrict my thoat
like im allergic to even thinking about him
like i cant breath
so i clutch at my throat and steady my breathing
before putting it out of my mind and walking on
holding my belly as it gurgles in despair.
it's a cycle.
i know it.
i deal with it.
i dont stop it.
maybe it'll go away.
maybe not.
lets hope it does.

okay

are we okay?
are we going to be okay?
will it be okay?
will we be okay?
will everything be okay?
is this okay?
is everything okay?
are we okay?

Pink Ego Box - Muse

It's gonna be ok
I can’t afford another day
At 50 bytes per second

I’ve never seen your face
I’ve never heard your voice

But I think I like it
When you instant message me
With a promise
I can feel it
I can tell you're gonna be
Just like me

My eyes are gonna strained
My heart is feeling pain
At 50 beats per second

I’ve never seen your eyes
I’ve never heard your lies

But I think I like it
When you instant message me
With a promise
I can feel it
I can tell you're gonna be
Just like me
Just like me

You tell
You tell
You tell my name

i hate that i cant cry anymore

Inside of Me

I hardly eat anymore. I'm always empty yet food doesn't seem to fill up the right holes. So I don't eat. When your heart's this heavy and your minds this full, extra weight pulling you down just makes you seem more vunerable, more empty. Because your stomachs full, full of yummy things, things that you should get joy from, but instead your mind feels more burdened, your heart so full of sorrow anything that reminds you of anything brings tears to your eyes, so you block out everything, you ingnore the enpty pit in your stomach, you barely notice it because with all the emptiness inside you, you forget that it's meant to be filled. The saddest part is that I need the burdens, sorrows that fill up my heart and bring me down, because with out them I'm hollow, I'd be taken away with the wind as my vessel. With out them I'm a hollow log, nothing to no one and no one to nothing. I hate it. I hate that I'm so fragile, so boney, so.... breakable. I hate that I need them. Need them to be more than an empty shell. I hate that i LIKE them, i hate that I want them to stay because with them goes my most precious memories. The ones that, although cause me great pain, mean the most to me. Small ones, ones that no one remembers, ones that are just middle moments, moments between events when nothing happens but everything happens, moments that mean nothing but, when later studied, bring on a whole new vocabulary of feeling. These burdens give me insight, give me imagination, I can imagine whole new worlds, worlds so real I still don't know if they are imagined or not. I know I'm insignificant, I know I'm no one, but I am someone, maybe I'm a lie, maybe I'm a full time actress, but I can love. So that must mean something. That must mean that the twisted wreck of a soul I have inside me still longs to be. Still longs to feel somethihng besides pain and devistation for a little bit. To feel that maybe I'm not acting, that my worlds of Imagination are real, even if only to myself. Me and my soul can make it out, we can pull through, I've just got to cling to my love, to all that I love. We will pull through it, together.