the little engine that could

hey
im in a good mood atm so im blogging quickly
im slightly slipping but im holding on
mums still angry
everyones still dead
but its okay now
its in the past.
well not mums mood but i dont have to let her affect me
its all in the way i think about it
if i let her get to me im most likely to crack
but if i let it slip past me
i think ill make it.
i will make it.
because i can do this.
i can.
lol i think i can i think i can.
haha
its all in my perspective.
my level co-ordinater read us this perspective story in level assembely.
It went something like this.

One day I sat in a railway station, everything was quiet and peaceful and people sat quietly reading their newpapers and resting their eyes from the day. Then a man walked in with his three kids, the children ran around screaming and playing and occasionally fighting, interrupting the whole atmoshere of the station. The man sat down beside me and closed his droopy eyes to rest. His children continued to yell and scream and on behalf of the other people on the railway i spoke to the man. I said "excuse me sir but your children are running a muck, you must controll them!" i was quite angry. the man opened his eyes and took a deap breath "yes i suppose they are running a muck, you see weve just come out of the hospital were their mother died and hour ago" the mans voice quivered and my perspective changed, all my anger turned into pain for the man and his family and i saw the situation in a whole new light.

a bit depressing for level assmebly i think.
i just needed soemthing to say.
lol thanks for reading
niah xx

confessions of a teenage drama queen

niah has officially hit the bottom of the barrel.
and from down here you all look pretty big.
you all are big.
i have this feeling
and its like someone stabbed me internally in my stomach
like somethings missing
now usually thats in my chest and my heart feels stabbed
but now its like cry worthy pain
my mum hates me
my nans dead
poppys dead
alice is dead
lady is dead
arnie is dead
norbert is dead
petunia is dead
brown patch is dead
poppa is dead
teresa is in queensland
kathleen in moving house
im dead
tonis in a bad way
jays all blind to pain
brans all not talkin just listening
i can deal with it!
i cant deal with him
i actually started crying because he didnt talk to me
he doesnt like talking about stuff but i need that
i need to be distracted from my pain.
thats what i need.
tonis pain is too similar to mine
jay just changes the subject and shuns crying
all my back up plans dont work
me and my mum are so like no talking
im trying
im so trying hard
i know its not good enough
but what can i do?
im fricken depressed
sometimes i think im not
but its times like these when i just go
theres no denying it
you cant hide it from yourself too
everyone else but not you
because im the only person whos going to stick by me always
i cant afford to push me away.
well i cant afford to push anyone away
i do it anyways but i cant afford to
i am at the bottom of the barrel
right down there
and im sure that the barrel can break and i can go deeper
but right now
i feel dead.
no i feel worse than dead
because if you are dead then the pain ends.
or atleast it doesnt get any worse.
you know sometimes i get so bad i have to promise my friends i wont
commit suicide.
today i had to promise cleo i wouldnt commit suicide till i was 18.
you know i dont think i will
because my friends would be so angry with me
but sometimes the pain just seperates me from all that
there is overwhelming pain, then guilt and anger and more pain.
im only 14
FOURTEEN DAMMIT!
im just a little baby
i shouldnt feel these things
and think these things
i shouldnt want these things.
there i said it.
i want to.
i wont.
but i want to.
i have sunk that low into thinking its better than this.
anything HAS to be better than this.
anything...

story of my life

hide and it will seek you
lie and it will eat you
pry and you have no head
escape and we will all be dead
kiss the light and be forever dark
loose the fire lost the spark
want the winner prepare to loose
live forever yet never choose
long to live till you die
never see the days that pass you by
the more you climb the harder you fall
the bigger you get the more you are small
you'll be the dead if you survive
never make the most of your life
see the star you'll never reach
be taught but never teach
consume the fire but never ignite
this is the story of my life

hide and seek

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

lights will guide you home

niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
how are you?
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i'm so lost
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i feel like life is just
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
on a train
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
and i'm stuck at the station
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
unable to get on
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
just
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
urgh
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
life is going too fast
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
and.. i don't know
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
it's just so
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
shit
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
like these people come into my classes and practically say i have to plan out my life right now
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
so i don't get to live my life?
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i just have to stand in line and wait
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i don't think thats fair
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i know that i need qualifications and all this stuff for doing whatever
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
but i don't feel like i'm ever going to be able to just
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
live
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i feel dead niah
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i feel sooooo dead
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
wait one second
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
ok
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
thats nice
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
non sarcastic btw lol
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
lol
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
im so sorry i cant do anthing
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
Lol it's fine



people say to keep your enemies closer than your friends,
i say dont listen to them.
if you have good friends you dont need enemies
you dont care what people think or do because you have someone to run to
toni i just want you to know
that i would run to you
and i hope that you could run to me too


niah xx

The Incredible Encounters of a Lonely Stray

Lol lonely stray
thats a great definition of me
a little lost soul wondering among people
smiling and waving and laughing but never feeling at home
never feeling part of anything
never feeling whole
today i once again had to tell toni that the guy she had her eye on didnt like her 'in that way'. why does in always have to be me? i know its like my duty as a friend but seriously, one heart can only be broken so many times by one person. first i stole her epic crush that shed liked for months then i had to break the news that marky fancied some other chick. im the breaker of hearts, thats my nick name now. at least mark is sorry. hes saying hell have nightmares of toni crying and just now he totally freaked out when tonis name had the 'Away' sign and was panicking that she was crying away from the screen. he really cares about her, in a way he may love her, but just unfortunately not the right way. but this chick mark likes, whos name im not aloud to tell anyone, sounds genuinly nice. i so wanted Mark to be gay, itsa like the ultimate excuse to explain not liking toni who i have explained many times would be the perfect girlfriend, mother and wife. man like i would date her if i was a guy. and i mean that in the most non-awkward way possible. but the problem with dating is that its either going to be your last boyfriend ever or you get totally battered and yu have to try again. its like you are a donught and you are sliding along a table, guys line the table and as you glide past they take a bite out of you, if they like you they keep you and when they dont like you they put you back out to be eaten again. then the right guy will come past and hell keep you safe and hell never put you back out on the table to be battered again. but you see once he takes you some donughts want to be back on the market and there you go, another problem. the donught gets a choice but when it makes a choice someone gets hurt and how does she know if its the right choice? the perfect guy could be next in line or he could be the last person or dying of the measles. he could be anywhere thats why its so stupid. BLOODY STUPID I TELL YOU! im just going to go.
thanks for reading
love you toni
niah xx

Quote of the Week

me without you is like; a sneaker without laces, a geek without braces, asentencewithoutspaces

once again i say
i love you jayjay

Fairytales, love and walking blind.

and so i lay on my bed,
reading old text messgaes,
old jokes and old words and old smiles.
Whispering thanks to people i didnt know were there,
and chatting away to the people in the air,
and pressing hard on my chest just to feel my heart beat,
to feel proof that i'm alive, that this is not a hoax,
not a dream or a story or a fairytale with a happy ending,
every fairytale contains love,
focusses on love,
every fairytale builds itself on love,
just a feeling,
but not a feeling one come past often,
a feeling one wont came past enough.
love. its what drives us all.
love for our brother, love for our cousin, love for our parents,
Our One True Love.

She wanted to fall in love this summer, thinking that love was just some other form of entertaining fun, like scuba diving or sunbathing. Another cool thing to do at the beach. but it wasnt. It was dangerous. Without love you couldnt have pain. Without love you couldnt have loss. Grief. Emptiness. Love made it all possible.

Thats how i feel. Except for the emptiness bit because without love you would be empty. without love wed all be empty and cold and wed all be dead because we would never have cared for this world that we live in and we would have either blown eachother up and never have cared for the 3rd world country and there wouldnt be doctors because no one would care enough to look after people and no one would have jobs and everyone would be fat and lazy like the americans. No offense to the americans i know youre all not fat but im in a bad mood right now. Arnie my little baby died and im still trying to get over it. whats worse is that i found him.i was cleaning out the tank and i knew he was missing but i thought bubbles ate him (see canibalism for more details) and i was taking out the pebbles and then i was like "DDAADD" and there he was, with no eyes and a hole in his chest which was empty. literally, it was empty. kinda significant if you think about it. The heart and the eyes where the first things to go. the eyes that could no longer see, the heart that could no longer beat. and my mum didnt even care about it. she was just like "its just a fish" and i just wanted to scream "NO ITS NOT! thats my baby i just burried, my responsibility, my little arnie whom i will never see again, not his cute little eyes that nudge the glass when hes hungry, well he left most of the nudging up to annie who i think was his lady fish, but you know, she could be with elroy, i dont study them enough to know that. but either way arnie liked to take the backseat, stay up hte back, get what hes given and never complain if he was hungry, which is probably what killed him, didnt fight for food and ended up starving because of it. My lovely little Arnie. I hope ill see you again one day my love, and i promise to try and take more care of Annie Elroy Ernie Wally Polly Sandra Blah Blah and Bubbles for you. rest in peace my love and give Petunia a kiss for me.

^... that was a quote from a book i just read called Beach Blondes by Katherine Applegate. Good easy read if you're looking for some fun. Just a heads up, its 721 pages. But it only took me 5 days so thats got to count for something. Ha not really. I'm a fast reader. Thats not being up myself or anything I'm just fast. I guess its because i put so much time aside for it. well anyways.
Thanks for reading.
Niah xx

Walking Blind
Is love blind or does it help you see?
See the beauties and wonders of how life can be?
Show that life always has its ups and downs?
Show a problem cant be solved with a frown?
Start the heart beating in an unusual way,
Because it stops when i hear all the words that you say?
Should i see your soul when i look in your eyes?
Start to sense and know when you are telling me lies?
Dream everynight about you an me?
Because this is love and you have made me see.

ICE AGE 2 - the meltdown

ok last night i had a massive breakdown
everything i watched yesterday made me cry or made me mass sad
then when i went to bed i like well had a melt down
ask brandon, he was helping me.
i was going on about being a murderer and a killer
hold on ill re-write the texts
niah - Brandon? im scared
brandon - :O what are you scared about?!? Tell me!
niah - School Life Death Love Time Darkness Height Spiders Snakes Crying Sounds Difference Everything. I'm just so scared right now i'm so lost. noone can find me Bran
brandon - Babe im so sorry :S but you dont need to be scared. i'm here for you but im afraid thats all i can do right now coz im not so good with words. Why are you scared about it all?That might be a stupid question but it could be the only way i could help
niah - I'm such a waste of space, of air. The world is falling down around us and im making it worse. I'm a killer, im a murderer. im bad. wha do i do? help me
brandon - you're not a waste of space or air. if you were, do you think you would have friends that care so much about you? and how the hell are you a murderer? everyone lives for a purpose. were meant to enjoy life for as long as we can and not worry about whats gonna happen tomorrow. i think just dont think about things so deeply. sorry bad with words...
niah - you're great with words. you made me cry. bad words wouldnt make me cry. Every second an area the size of two soccer pitches gets logged abd im lying on a dead tree.i kill so many animals everyday gasses i make melt ice caps and flood homes and the poor little ants i step on. Babe tomorrow is everything xxxx
brandon - babe itll be hard to stop them from cutting down so many trees. So many people use all that stuff they dont need so its barely your fault. what makes you think about all of this? you make me worry when you worry. please dont worry. cheer up hunny youll live alot longer. i want you around for as long as i have to live.
niah - what makes you sure i wont die tomorrow? i dont want to die brandon. i dont like death. its mean and scary and too many things face it everyday too many animals and people.the world shouldnt be like this. the world should be healthy and a happy place but its not. you make me happy baby. you make me smile.
brandon - no you wont die tomorrow. god has a plan and a purpose for you. and death is just another way of continuing life. it goes on for a good amount of time and im pretty sure no one can change this. please smile babe. i dont know why youre worrying! and yes, life is to short to worry. so smile and enjoy it while i enjoy mine with you.

and it went on.
my question though is, is there something after death?
is there a heaven or a garden or an ocean or do you come back as something/someone else or is it a big black nothing. is death the end? or is it another chapter in your life? when your dead can you watch over alive loved ones? can you haunt people? my nan said she saw the light when she passed out once and that it was the most beautiful thing shed ever seen. so i believe there is a light but where does it lead? i wont find out but i have to ask. i dont want to go nowhere i want to live i want to live in death.
niah xx

when we journey home

when....

When i hold your hand
when you understand
when the cold wind blows
when suspicion grows
when we fall apart
when our new lives start
when night grows near
when empty is fear
when there's warmth in your eyes
when you clear up the skies
when our spirits break away
when we face the newest day
when we merge into one
when our lives have begun

Journey Home

The mountain range before us
tall and high and strong
weather wont deter us
our strides are big and fast and long
as we journey along this path
as we travel to the stars
our legs will guide us forward
no bus or wheels or cars.
but god will grant us wishes
of hope of dreams of new
but wishes are not needed
as long as I've got you

our hearts beat together
beat loud and proud and strong
fate wont deter us
our lives are big and fast and long
as our lives are leading forward
as our minds are winding back
we'll lie under the stars as one
our pillows are our packs
when we reach the peak of the mountain
ready to go home
i realised all of a sudden
that home is everywhere we roam
for as long as i am near you
palm in palm we stand
home is all around me
no fence no roof no land.


niah xx

the fear of being myself

today i went bowling with the fam
i totally suck at bowling
i mean im terrible
but when i was there the music was good as
it was like they had taken my old ipod and played it
it was awesome
and we were next to this asian family who were nice as
so i was sitting down waiting when miley cyrus's 'the climb' came on
and i was singing 'i can almost see it, that dreamim dreaming but there's a voice inside my head saying, youll never reach it' taya was singing too and then i looked to the asian family and one of the sons was singing too. so i started to laugh and smile because it was kinda funny that three of as sang at the same time and i was really proud of that kid because it was like brave for a guy to sing in public. like how many guys do that these days? in a weird way i was like proud. anyways this kid whos name started with s and for the sake of this blog i shall call him sam, but this sam i will remember forever and at least now i can read this if i forget. but i hope that more people can be themselves in public. you know that medibank add? thats like: whats freedom? freedom is sleeping in. freedom is dancing in public. <--- lets go dance in public, lets go be crazy and wear retro clothes and undies on our heads and peacock feathers sticking out of our pants and big guinness hats. yet we dont actually, we wear fashionable things and we dress up for down the road and even though i say it all the time i never go out in my pyjamas. why does our hair have to be done to go and have a coffee down the road? because we worry about what people think, we are worried about what people say about us. we are scared. shit man i am scared. but i dont want to be. i want to wear what i want and not have to be looked at strangely. i want to be myself and not care if people look at me weirdly. but im scared that ill never be able to do that. scared that im going to turn out to be that lady in the series of unfortunate events the eide window where that lady is scared of everything and anything. she ends up dying in the end and she has nothing. and her house is realy creepy too. she doesnt hold the door knob because shes scared itll fall and spray into her eyes and shes scared the fridge will fall on her. and she doesnt use the heater or oven because she doesnt want to get burnt. she was scared of everything, papercuts even and i dont want that to be me. i dont want to be scared but i am. fear is terribly annoying me right now.
niah xx


why not

You think you're going nowhere
when you're walking down the street
Acting like you just don't care
when life could be so sweet
So why you wanna be like that,
This is nothing new
You're not foolin no one
you're not even foolin you
So walk a little slower
and open up your eyes
sometimes its so hard to see
the good things pass you by
There may never be a sign
no flashing neon light
tellin you to make your move
or when the time is right (so)

why not (Why not)
take crazy chance
why not (Why not)
do a crazy dance
if you lose the moment
you might lose a lot
so why not why not

(why not take a crazy chance, why not take a crazy chance)

You always dress in yellow
when you wanna dress in gold
instead of listenin' to your heart
you do just what you're told
if you keep waiting where you are
oh what you'll never know
so let's just get into your car,
and go baby go! (so)

why not (Why not)
take crazy chance
why not (Why not)
do a crazy dance
if you lose the moment
you might lose a lot
so why not why not

Ohhhhh!I could be the one for you
Ohhh yeah! yes maybe no
Ohhh!! It could be the thing to do
all I'm sayin is you gotta let me know

Ah yaya yaya yayaya

You'll never get to heaven
or even to LA
if you don't beleive there's a way

(why not take a star from the sky
why not spread your wings and fly)

Oh! It might take a little
and it might take alot
But why not why not

why not
(take crazy chance)
take crazy chance
why not
(do a crazy dance)
do a crazy dance
if you lose the moment
you might lose a lot
so why not why not


coming clean

Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned

'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no life
I defy


Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin

'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind

Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming...

Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

Let's go back
Back to the beginning

toni's awesomeness

lol
incase you havnt already guessed
toni is pretty awesome
shes pretty cool
pretty different
pretty out-there
(omg i used to love that show)
pretty emo-ish
(in the best way possible of course)
pretty black
(clothes and make-up wise)
and shes pretty.
in my eyes shes freaking perfect
nice, pretty, tall, skinny,
thats a good criteria on my watch.
also shes like totally herself
so people remember her
whether its for something she did or said
or whether its because of her massive size
toni is hard to forget
well thats what i think
but she tries to sink in
she tries to be a nobody
she tries to be normal
but you see there is no such thing as normal
normal lives
normal days
normal hair
normal anything
it doesnt exist
because everyones version of normal is different
mine would be to finish school go to uni
get a job get married have some kids
that would be the plan
but people in tribes and stuff they wouldnt even know what a uni was
some people would just get any job they could find
so toni even though i totally did a crap explination
i just want you to know
i love you
i will always love you
and if you want to be normal
to me you already are
you are toni
and you are awesome
because you were born that way
you are how god made you
and i believe that your amazing
just the way you are
and even if this is gay as
and you hate me for it
its true
toni is awesome
toni is not normal
she is not average
she is toni
she is miss cernosa
she is herself
she is tall
she is funny
she is funky
she is strange
she is twisty
she is dark
but in the words of dr. derek shepherd

you say you're all dark and twisty, its not a flaw, its a strength, it makes you who you are

and on that note
i say good night
niah xx

I AM NOWHERE ~ I AM NOW HERE

pretty cool huh?
lol
i like it anyways
and for those of you who dont understand
there's a space between the w and the h
lol im not gay at all
i really like it though
in two sentences your lost and found again
no one can literally be nowhere
unless of course the place is named Nowhere
so you instantly feel uneasy
and then CABOOM your safe again
because you know where you are
you know where here is because you can see it
here is where you want it to be.
but then again, can you trust what you see?
there's a myth that everything we see is an illusion,
an illusion that everyone shares
isnt that scary?
everything we know and everything we knew is just an illusion
i dont like that myth
no sir
but it makes you think
you know that movie Horton Hears a Hoo?
what if that real?
what if we're a little speck on someones flower
*shudder*
it better be a pretty flower
shit imagine how big that world would be
itd have to fit our whole universe in it
ewwewwewwewwewwewwewwewwewwwww
i dont like this blog
im going to end it there.
whilst im still sane
thatnks for reading
niah xx