this is my call to the world
hear me
hear my cries for help
because right now im alone
everyone is busy
everyone has problems of their own
so now im alone.
no on sits beside me
sorting through my head
telling me which ways forward
so i dont go backwards instead.
loniless has a way of eating you
pulling you deep inside of it
it being the thing your pulled into
it being simply named it.
this is my call to the world
hear me
hear my laughter
hear how layered my emotions are
hear my pain my suffering
hear my scars.
hear how deep everything goes
every word
every sound
every smile
every curse
hear how much you mean to me
hear my friends
my family
my self.
hear the wonders inside my body
that no one else can see
except for me.
and him.
but hes not my him anymore.
hes his.
so no one sees my wonders.
no one but me.
this is my call to the world.
hear me
see me
look closer
be closer
move closer
im lonely
im alone
whoever you are
i need you.
you.
not them.
if you hear my call.
then its your fate to help me.
this is my call to the world.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Hope Abrams
You know in new moon how she talks about a hole?
it's funny because i never really got it.
ive been numb
ive been sore
ive been hurt
ive been broken
but never before have i felt like this
like everytime i think of him im going to vomit
like the emotions rise up and constrict my thoat
like im allergic to even thinking about him
like i cant breath
so i clutch at my throat and steady my breathing
before putting it out of my mind and walking on
holding my belly as it gurgles in despair.
it's a cycle.
i know it.
i deal with it.
i dont stop it.
maybe it'll go away.
maybe not.
lets hope it does.
it's funny because i never really got it.
ive been numb
ive been sore
ive been hurt
ive been broken
but never before have i felt like this
like everytime i think of him im going to vomit
like the emotions rise up and constrict my thoat
like im allergic to even thinking about him
like i cant breath
so i clutch at my throat and steady my breathing
before putting it out of my mind and walking on
holding my belly as it gurgles in despair.
it's a cycle.
i know it.
i deal with it.
i dont stop it.
maybe it'll go away.
maybe not.
lets hope it does.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
okay
are we okay?
are we going to be okay?
will it be okay?
will we be okay?
will everything be okay?
is this okay?
is everything okay?
are we okay?
are we going to be okay?
will it be okay?
will we be okay?
will everything be okay?
is this okay?
is everything okay?
are we okay?
Monday, December 7, 2009
Pink Ego Box - Muse
It's gonna be ok
I can’t afford another day
At 50 bytes per second
I’ve never seen your face
I’ve never heard your voice
But I think I like it
When you instant message me
With a promise
I can feel it
I can tell you're gonna be
Just like me
My eyes are gonna strained
My heart is feeling pain
At 50 beats per second
I’ve never seen your eyes
I’ve never heard your lies
But I think I like it
When you instant message me
With a promise
I can feel it
I can tell you're gonna be
Just like me
Just like me
You tell
You tell
You tell my name
I can’t afford another day
At 50 bytes per second
I’ve never seen your face
I’ve never heard your voice
But I think I like it
When you instant message me
With a promise
I can feel it
I can tell you're gonna be
Just like me
My eyes are gonna strained
My heart is feeling pain
At 50 beats per second
I’ve never seen your eyes
I’ve never heard your lies
But I think I like it
When you instant message me
With a promise
I can feel it
I can tell you're gonna be
Just like me
Just like me
You tell
You tell
You tell my name
Friday, November 27, 2009
Inside of Me
I hardly eat anymore. I'm always empty yet food doesn't seem to fill up the right holes. So I don't eat. When your heart's this heavy and your minds this full, extra weight pulling you down just makes you seem more vunerable, more empty. Because your stomachs full, full of yummy things, things that you should get joy from, but instead your mind feels more burdened, your heart so full of sorrow anything that reminds you of anything brings tears to your eyes, so you block out everything, you ingnore the enpty pit in your stomach, you barely notice it because with all the emptiness inside you, you forget that it's meant to be filled. The saddest part is that I need the burdens, sorrows that fill up my heart and bring me down, because with out them I'm hollow, I'd be taken away with the wind as my vessel. With out them I'm a hollow log, nothing to no one and no one to nothing. I hate it. I hate that I'm so fragile, so boney, so.... breakable. I hate that I need them. Need them to be more than an empty shell. I hate that i LIKE them, i hate that I want them to stay because with them goes my most precious memories. The ones that, although cause me great pain, mean the most to me. Small ones, ones that no one remembers, ones that are just middle moments, moments between events when nothing happens but everything happens, moments that mean nothing but, when later studied, bring on a whole new vocabulary of feeling. These burdens give me insight, give me imagination, I can imagine whole new worlds, worlds so real I still don't know if they are imagined or not. I know I'm insignificant, I know I'm no one, but I am someone, maybe I'm a lie, maybe I'm a full time actress, but I can love. So that must mean something. That must mean that the twisted wreck of a soul I have inside me still longs to be. Still longs to feel somethihng besides pain and devistation for a little bit. To feel that maybe I'm not acting, that my worlds of Imagination are real, even if only to myself. Me and my soul can make it out, we can pull through, I've just got to cling to my love, to all that I love. We will pull through it, together.
Friday, November 20, 2009
'Why is it that we torture ourselves with love? We hope and wish for that special someone for so long, and it hurts so much to see them love someone else. When we finally get the person of our dreams, they leave sooner or later, gone from your life like a feather floating away in the wind, never to be seen again. We cry endlessly for many nights, remembering their smiles, their kind words, their warm embrace. You can't help but feel joy when you think of their sweet kisses or that special feeling you get whenever you see them. You dream of them and wake up smiling, until you realize it was only a dream and the closest thing you have to that person are the memories and times you shared, that made it all worthwhile. I guess that's why we torture ourselves with love.' -Lisa Gilbert
dusk
'dusk is just an illusion, becuase the sun is either above the horizon or below it.
this means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are; there cannot be one without the other, yet they cannot exist at the same time.
i wonder....how it feels to be always together, but forever apart...' -
this means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are; there cannot be one without the other, yet they cannot exist at the same time.
i wonder....how it feels to be always together, but forever apart...' -
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The perfect escape route.
Life is like a tunnel.
You don't know where you're going
but do we really want to?
Do we really want to see our future pain?
Who dies first?
Who's left grieving?
Who suffers worst?
But on the other hand
do we really want to see what makes us happy?
Would our lives turn into a movie we've already seen
and make those amazing moments that build your soul
whether they're good or bad,
Meaningless shit we've already seen?
Do we really want to die twice?
Feel the horrible pain and darkness of death over and over?
Depending on how many times we see see death before us and
Evade its eager clutches?
Do we really want to know what fate lies ahead of us?
So we never see.
Whether its because some tiny part of us knows its ugly,
a tiny part that resists the urge,
the urge that some people fight and win,
fortune tellers and gypsies
they grasp what we never will,
they are stronger than all of us,
yet we think they're mad..
While we resist we think,
I mean never seeing the future should let us concentrate on
the now right?
wrong.
Instead we get so caught up in the past we loose ourselves in
our guilt and insecurity.
We agonise ourselves over every little mistake we make
Every little fall we fell
Every little stutter of the person we really are we show
We kill ourselves everyday
Everyday that person deep down inside shrinks deeper and deeper
inside ourselves until eventually we can never reach them.
Not even the most extensive coaxing can bring them out
Not the deepest truest love
and nothing is stronger than that.
We screw ourselves over more and more
we are our biggest problem.
But this tunnel of ours,
it cant tolerate our shit.
Every sad thing that happens digs us a hole,
every guilty thought that eats away at us,
well it eats away at the soil beneath us,
every comment that we let hurt us,
digs us deeper and deeper until we can't get out.
We all know when we're in it,
we all feel that loneliness,
That total and utter despair of rotting in a dark scary hole,
So we get it over and done with,
we jump off bridges,
we stab pencils into our brains,
we slice open our bodies,
all to get out of this stupid hole that we alone dig.
But the thing is that we did dig it,
we have the power to dig it,
we are the power
we control it,
but we let it control us.
But we need to take that control back,
we need to un-dig what we've dug.
Un-do what we've done,
Un-justify the things that seemed right at the time but are so wrong,
things that we let ourselves spew over for how long?
too long.
So here we have it.
The perfect escape route:
Ourselves.
We climbed down,
though we think we fell,
we climbed,
willingly,
into the clutches of possession,
into this darkness and despair,
so we climb back up.
In theory its the easiest thing,
in reality,
it's going to be a heck of a job.
But the main thing is that we believe it.
Believe we can climb.
Because we can.
And we will.
We will climb.
You don't know where you're going
but do we really want to?
Do we really want to see our future pain?
Who dies first?
Who's left grieving?
Who suffers worst?
But on the other hand
do we really want to see what makes us happy?
Would our lives turn into a movie we've already seen
and make those amazing moments that build your soul
whether they're good or bad,
Meaningless shit we've already seen?
Do we really want to die twice?
Feel the horrible pain and darkness of death over and over?
Depending on how many times we see see death before us and
Evade its eager clutches?
Do we really want to know what fate lies ahead of us?
So we never see.
Whether its because some tiny part of us knows its ugly,
a tiny part that resists the urge,
the urge that some people fight and win,
fortune tellers and gypsies
they grasp what we never will,
they are stronger than all of us,
yet we think they're mad..
While we resist we think,
I mean never seeing the future should let us concentrate on
the now right?
wrong.
Instead we get so caught up in the past we loose ourselves in
our guilt and insecurity.
We agonise ourselves over every little mistake we make
Every little fall we fell
Every little stutter of the person we really are we show
We kill ourselves everyday
Everyday that person deep down inside shrinks deeper and deeper
inside ourselves until eventually we can never reach them.
Not even the most extensive coaxing can bring them out
Not the deepest truest love
and nothing is stronger than that.
We screw ourselves over more and more
we are our biggest problem.
But this tunnel of ours,
it cant tolerate our shit.
Every sad thing that happens digs us a hole,
every guilty thought that eats away at us,
well it eats away at the soil beneath us,
every comment that we let hurt us,
digs us deeper and deeper until we can't get out.
We all know when we're in it,
we all feel that loneliness,
That total and utter despair of rotting in a dark scary hole,
So we get it over and done with,
we jump off bridges,
we stab pencils into our brains,
we slice open our bodies,
all to get out of this stupid hole that we alone dig.
But the thing is that we did dig it,
we have the power to dig it,
we are the power
we control it,
but we let it control us.
But we need to take that control back,
we need to un-dig what we've dug.
Un-do what we've done,
Un-justify the things that seemed right at the time but are so wrong,
things that we let ourselves spew over for how long?
too long.
So here we have it.
The perfect escape route:
Ourselves.
We climbed down,
though we think we fell,
we climbed,
willingly,
into the clutches of possession,
into this darkness and despair,
so we climb back up.
In theory its the easiest thing,
in reality,
it's going to be a heck of a job.
But the main thing is that we believe it.
Believe we can climb.
Because we can.
And we will.
We will climb.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
human
okay another belief
god is not human
god is not human shaped.
the bible stated that we were made in gods image.
load of bull dust
we say that because we think we are the superior race
we think we're better than all other animals
but how do we know?
we think that goldfish forget every 3 seconds
but how do they remember to be scared if we come near?
how do they remember what food looks like?
or that they need food?
this man did an experiment and everyday before he fed his fish
he put a red block in his fish tank and then fed them.
and after a while he put in the block and they all came to the top
so it got to a point where he would put in the block
they'd swim up and even if he didnt have food with him they came up
so you see?
fish are smart bubbies
dont underestimate the power of the mind.
lol
so god can be anything
any animal
any thing god wishes
haha
niah xx
god is not human
god is not human shaped.
the bible stated that we were made in gods image.
load of bull dust
we say that because we think we are the superior race
we think we're better than all other animals
but how do we know?
we think that goldfish forget every 3 seconds
but how do they remember to be scared if we come near?
how do they remember what food looks like?
or that they need food?
this man did an experiment and everyday before he fed his fish
he put a red block in his fish tank and then fed them.
and after a while he put in the block and they all came to the top
so it got to a point where he would put in the block
they'd swim up and even if he didnt have food with him they came up
so you see?
fish are smart bubbies
dont underestimate the power of the mind.
lol
so god can be anything
any animal
any thing god wishes
haha
niah xx
Sunday, August 23, 2009
my end
okay.
i have come to a conclusion.
i have been tossing up my beliefs for a while,
deciding what is fact,
what is fiction
and what is just a load of crap
to me.
TO ME
thats important.
whats a load of crap to me could be fact to another,
now im not here to tell people that what i say is the bible,
because derr of course its not.
but here is what i believe about death.
wel first here is what i don't believe.
reincarnation.
i want to
i want to come back
i want to believe that i will
but i dont
and heres why.
THE NIGHT IS FOR HUNTING - John marsden
Okay now for what i believe.
the light.
the light is love.
un-diluted love
the purest purest love there is
and it shines like the light of a million stars
and it guides you to peace
you follow it and you rest in peace
where you go, well
i don't believe you go anywhere
people say that you are looked down on
to me thats fiction
the dont look down
they look out
for you and of you
small parts of them live inside you
and they look out for you
and when you talk to them
they listen
but their soul is at peace
in the light that you made them.
and hell,
hell is here
on earth
where no one can see you
or talk to you
and because no one had any love to guide you
no one wants to see you
and you are alone
stuck in loneliness forever
just there
by yourself
floating
waiting
but for nothing
because nothing is coming
or going
or happening
you just watch
but there is no one that you could want to watch
because they dont love you
not enough to guide you
and if you watch them
there is nothing you can do
but watch
stuck inside your head
cant talk
cant live
just existing
never at peace
never at ease
alway just existing
stuck in a pit of troubles and despair and pain
no one loves you
no one misses you
no one cares for you
its like having LONER tattooed on your forhead
thats my hell
thats my heaven
and i know where i want to end up
and where id.....
i cant describe what it would be like
it makes me feel queezy
and sick
and just full on yuck.
bleh
vomit
yuck
and on that happy note
i say goodnight
:D
niah xx
i have come to a conclusion.
i have been tossing up my beliefs for a while,
deciding what is fact,
what is fiction
and what is just a load of crap
to me.
TO ME
thats important.
whats a load of crap to me could be fact to another,
now im not here to tell people that what i say is the bible,
because derr of course its not.
but here is what i believe about death.
wel first here is what i don't believe.
reincarnation.
i want to
i want to come back
i want to believe that i will
but i dont
and heres why.
I wanted to believe in stuff like reincarnation, but being on a farm makes it hard, because there's so much death. I couldn't quite believe that all those locusts and European wasps and mosquito wrigglers in the tank got reincarnated, and if they didn't, then why should people? What made us so special?
THE NIGHT IS FOR HUNTING - John marsden
Okay now for what i believe.
the light.
the light is love.
un-diluted love
the purest purest love there is
and it shines like the light of a million stars
and it guides you to peace
you follow it and you rest in peace
where you go, well
i don't believe you go anywhere
people say that you are looked down on
to me thats fiction
the dont look down
they look out
for you and of you
small parts of them live inside you
and they look out for you
and when you talk to them
they listen
but their soul is at peace
in the light that you made them.
and hell,
hell is here
on earth
where no one can see you
or talk to you
and because no one had any love to guide you
no one wants to see you
and you are alone
stuck in loneliness forever
just there
by yourself
floating
waiting
but for nothing
because nothing is coming
or going
or happening
you just watch
but there is no one that you could want to watch
because they dont love you
not enough to guide you
and if you watch them
there is nothing you can do
but watch
stuck inside your head
cant talk
cant live
just existing
never at peace
never at ease
alway just existing
stuck in a pit of troubles and despair and pain
no one loves you
no one misses you
no one cares for you
its like having LONER tattooed on your forhead
thats my hell
thats my heaven
and i know where i want to end up
and where id.....
i cant describe what it would be like
it makes me feel queezy
and sick
and just full on yuck.
bleh
vomit
yuck
and on that happy note
i say goodnight
:D
niah xx
Friday, August 14, 2009
Endless Road
man i have like 700 depressed friends right now
its so gay
its like bloody hell
why cant people just be happy?
why cant i be happy?
is it against some law of nature?
lol
apparently so.
once again i post this quote.
She wanted to fall in love this summer, thinking that love was just some other form of entertaining fun, like scuba diving or sunbathing. Another cool thing to do at the beach. but it wasn't. It was dangerous. Without love you couldn't have pain. Without love you couldn't have loss. Grief. Emptiness. Love made it all possible.
stupid stupid stupid love.
its all love's fault.
i hate it
and i want to squish it into pulp
but then i think about the people that i love
and i want to milk it for all its worth.
but that's another reason to hate it.
I'm all mixed up feelings about it.
i hate being confused.
its like KILL ME NOW!
well not literally but i hate it.
same with boredom.
curse the filthy disease boredom.
oh and loneliness don't forget that one.
but i also love that word lonesome.
lol
don't you reckon its just an aweosme word?
lol im being kicked off
love you guys
The truth is tearing up my heart
I can’t recognise this place
The endless road without a stop sign
Can’t even find a stranger this time
Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there’s nothing left to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time I ask if this would be the last
Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think~ I never will
A crystal forming in the eye
Maybe this would be the last
The winding path down my face
Till I begin to taste the bitterness inside
Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there’s nothing left to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time I ask if this would be the last
Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think~ I never will
Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there’s nothing left to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time I ask if this would be the last
Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think~ I never will
I never will
-Endless Road, JJ Lin.
thanks for reading
niah xx
its so gay
its like bloody hell
why cant people just be happy?
why cant i be happy?
is it against some law of nature?
lol
apparently so.
once again i post this quote.
She wanted to fall in love this summer, thinking that love was just some other form of entertaining fun, like scuba diving or sunbathing. Another cool thing to do at the beach. but it wasn't. It was dangerous. Without love you couldn't have pain. Without love you couldn't have loss. Grief. Emptiness. Love made it all possible.
stupid stupid stupid love.
its all love's fault.
i hate it
and i want to squish it into pulp
but then i think about the people that i love
and i want to milk it for all its worth.
but that's another reason to hate it.
I'm all mixed up feelings about it.
i hate being confused.
its like KILL ME NOW!
well not literally but i hate it.
same with boredom.
curse the filthy disease boredom.
oh and loneliness don't forget that one.
but i also love that word lonesome.
lol
don't you reckon its just an aweosme word?
lol im being kicked off
love you guys
The truth is tearing up my heart
I can’t recognise this place
The endless road without a stop sign
Can’t even find a stranger this time
Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there’s nothing left to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time I ask if this would be the last
Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think~ I never will
A crystal forming in the eye
Maybe this would be the last
The winding path down my face
Till I begin to taste the bitterness inside
Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there’s nothing left to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time I ask if this would be the last
Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think~ I never will
Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there’s nothing left to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time I ask if this would be the last
Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think~ I never will
I never will
-Endless Road, JJ Lin.
thanks for reading
niah xx
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
always smiley
well jay and Chris broke up
you guys all know jay right?
always smiley,
always laughing
always having something funny to say
apparently is was all a mask.
its kinda funny though because i just gave her this poem:
the mask that i wear.
the mask that i wear is always there
its pretense never ends,
i have to wear it all the time with my family and friends,
the mask i wear is always there,
i can not take it off,
without it I'm no butterfly,
i have to be a moth.
the mask i wear is always there,
a crutch and a disguise,
until the day i face the world,
until the day i fly.
I'm a bit if-y on the word pretense but you know
i gave it away
there's nothing to look at
loll
that's my best guess.
anyways they broke up.
he didn't turn up to her bday party because he had a hangover
he also was supposed to buy the present and that was for like half the party members. so no only was he slack but he didn't even call or anything.
hellooooo hes her bf
he was a responsibility, well he has a role to fill.
he was expected to at least call.
anyways jays real upset
apparently shes not all happy dappy jay that we know
i always thought she like didnt know pain ect ect
but now i think she totally does know and hides it
id write more but its late i cant think properly
lol
ill write again soon
thanks for reading
niah xx
you guys all know jay right?
always smiley,
always laughing
always having something funny to say
apparently is was all a mask.
its kinda funny though because i just gave her this poem:
the mask that i wear.
the mask that i wear is always there
its pretense never ends,
i have to wear it all the time with my family and friends,
the mask i wear is always there,
i can not take it off,
without it I'm no butterfly,
i have to be a moth.
the mask i wear is always there,
a crutch and a disguise,
until the day i face the world,
until the day i fly.
I'm a bit if-y on the word pretense but you know
i gave it away
there's nothing to look at
loll
that's my best guess.
anyways they broke up.
he didn't turn up to her bday party because he had a hangover
he also was supposed to buy the present and that was for like half the party members. so no only was he slack but he didn't even call or anything.
hellooooo hes her bf
he was a responsibility, well he has a role to fill.
he was expected to at least call.
anyways jays real upset
apparently shes not all happy dappy jay that we know
i always thought she like didnt know pain ect ect
but now i think she totally does know and hides it
id write more but its late i cant think properly
lol
ill write again soon
thanks for reading
niah xx
friends
Written with a pen
Sealed with a kiss
If you are my friend,
Please answer this:
Are we friends or are we not?
You told me once, but I forgot..
So tell me now and tell me true,
So I can say , I am here for you.
Of all the friends I've ever met,
You're the ones I won't forget..
And if I die before you do,
I'll go to Heaven
And wait for you.
niah xx
Sealed with a kiss
If you are my friend,
Please answer this:
Are we friends or are we not?
You told me once, but I forgot..
So tell me now and tell me true,
So I can say , I am here for you.
Of all the friends I've ever met,
You're the ones I won't forget..
And if I die before you do,
I'll go to Heaven
And wait for you.
niah xx
Sunday, August 2, 2009
playing hide and seek with someone watching over your sholder from generation Y
SOMEONES WATCHING OVER ME - HILARY DUFF
Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me
Someone's watching over me
GENERATION WHY - KISSCHASY
I've got a frustration
With higher education
The theory of creation is dumbing me down
And yes I've got an issue with the current situation
Going on in the country whose name I can't pronounce...
Being negative is the best
I'm feeling so happy that I'm depressed
Give my love to my enemies
I'm paranoid and that;s ok with me
The earth is getting warmer
Soon it will be a sauna
And we will have to move our things to outer space
Look at all the slaves
Making jackets out of suede
The corporations run the world and I can't complain...
Being negative is the best
I'm feeling so happy that I'm depressed
Give my love to my enemies
I'm paranoid and that's ok with me
La la la la
Incurable diseases
And followers of Jesus
Are trying to end contraception are they insane?!
The sexist and the racist
Are loving all the hate
And the homophobe, homophobes, homophobes are secretly gay...
Being negative is the best
I'm feeling so happy that I'm depressed
Give my love to my enemies
I'm paranoid and that's ok with me
Being negative is the best
I'm feeling so damn happy that I'm depressed
Give my love to my enemies
I'm paranoid and that's ok with me
That's ok with me
HIDE AND SEEK - IMOGEN HEAP
where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling
spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me
Someone's watching over me
GENERATION WHY - KISSCHASY
I've got a frustration
With higher education
The theory of creation is dumbing me down
And yes I've got an issue with the current situation
Going on in the country whose name I can't pronounce...
Being negative is the best
I'm feeling so happy that I'm depressed
Give my love to my enemies
I'm paranoid and that;s ok with me
The earth is getting warmer
Soon it will be a sauna
And we will have to move our things to outer space
Look at all the slaves
Making jackets out of suede
The corporations run the world and I can't complain...
Being negative is the best
I'm feeling so happy that I'm depressed
Give my love to my enemies
I'm paranoid and that's ok with me
La la la la
Incurable diseases
And followers of Jesus
Are trying to end contraception are they insane?!
The sexist and the racist
Are loving all the hate
And the homophobe, homophobes, homophobes are secretly gay...
Being negative is the best
I'm feeling so happy that I'm depressed
Give my love to my enemies
I'm paranoid and that's ok with me
Being negative is the best
I'm feeling so damn happy that I'm depressed
Give my love to my enemies
I'm paranoid and that's ok with me
That's ok with me
HIDE AND SEEK - IMOGEN HEAP
where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling
spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
Friday, July 31, 2009
the little engine that could
hey
im in a good mood atm so im blogging quickly
im slightly slipping but im holding on
mums still angry
everyones still dead
but its okay now
its in the past.
well not mums mood but i dont have to let her affect me
its all in the way i think about it
if i let her get to me im most likely to crack
but if i let it slip past me
i think ill make it.
i will make it.
because i can do this.
i can.
lol i think i can i think i can.
haha
its all in my perspective.
my level co-ordinater read us this perspective story in level assembely.
It went something like this.
One day I sat in a railway station, everything was quiet and peaceful and people sat quietly reading their newpapers and resting their eyes from the day. Then a man walked in with his three kids, the children ran around screaming and playing and occasionally fighting, interrupting the whole atmoshere of the station. The man sat down beside me and closed his droopy eyes to rest. His children continued to yell and scream and on behalf of the other people on the railway i spoke to the man. I said "excuse me sir but your children are running a muck, you must controll them!" i was quite angry. the man opened his eyes and took a deap breath "yes i suppose they are running a muck, you see weve just come out of the hospital were their mother died and hour ago" the mans voice quivered and my perspective changed, all my anger turned into pain for the man and his family and i saw the situation in a whole new light.
a bit depressing for level assmebly i think.
i just needed soemthing to say.
lol thanks for reading
niah xx
im in a good mood atm so im blogging quickly
im slightly slipping but im holding on
mums still angry
everyones still dead
but its okay now
its in the past.
well not mums mood but i dont have to let her affect me
its all in the way i think about it
if i let her get to me im most likely to crack
but if i let it slip past me
i think ill make it.
i will make it.
because i can do this.
i can.
lol i think i can i think i can.
haha
its all in my perspective.
my level co-ordinater read us this perspective story in level assembely.
It went something like this.
One day I sat in a railway station, everything was quiet and peaceful and people sat quietly reading their newpapers and resting their eyes from the day. Then a man walked in with his three kids, the children ran around screaming and playing and occasionally fighting, interrupting the whole atmoshere of the station. The man sat down beside me and closed his droopy eyes to rest. His children continued to yell and scream and on behalf of the other people on the railway i spoke to the man. I said "excuse me sir but your children are running a muck, you must controll them!" i was quite angry. the man opened his eyes and took a deap breath "yes i suppose they are running a muck, you see weve just come out of the hospital were their mother died and hour ago" the mans voice quivered and my perspective changed, all my anger turned into pain for the man and his family and i saw the situation in a whole new light.
a bit depressing for level assmebly i think.
i just needed soemthing to say.
lol thanks for reading
niah xx
Thursday, July 30, 2009
confessions of a teenage drama queen
niah has officially hit the bottom of the barrel.
and from down here you all look pretty big.
you all are big.
i have this feeling
and its like someone stabbed me internally in my stomach
like somethings missing
now usually thats in my chest and my heart feels stabbed
but now its like cry worthy pain
my mum hates me
my nans dead
poppys dead
alice is dead
lady is dead
arnie is dead
norbert is dead
petunia is dead
brown patch is dead
poppa is dead
teresa is in queensland
kathleen in moving house
im dead
tonis in a bad way
jays all blind to pain
brans all not talkin just listening
i can deal with it!
i cant deal with him
i actually started crying because he didnt talk to me
he doesnt like talking about stuff but i need that
i need to be distracted from my pain.
thats what i need.
tonis pain is too similar to mine
jay just changes the subject and shuns crying
all my back up plans dont work
me and my mum are so like no talking
im trying
im so trying hard
i know its not good enough
but what can i do?
im fricken depressed
sometimes i think im not
but its times like these when i just go
theres no denying it
you cant hide it from yourself too
everyone else but not you
because im the only person whos going to stick by me always
i cant afford to push me away.
well i cant afford to push anyone away
i do it anyways but i cant afford to
i am at the bottom of the barrel
right down there
and im sure that the barrel can break and i can go deeper
but right now
i feel dead.
no i feel worse than dead
because if you are dead then the pain ends.
or atleast it doesnt get any worse.
you know sometimes i get so bad i have to promise my friends i wont
commit suicide.
today i had to promise cleo i wouldnt commit suicide till i was 18.
you know i dont think i will
because my friends would be so angry with me
but sometimes the pain just seperates me from all that
there is overwhelming pain, then guilt and anger and more pain.
im only 14
FOURTEEN DAMMIT!
im just a little baby
i shouldnt feel these things
and think these things
i shouldnt want these things.
there i said it.
i want to.
i wont.
but i want to.
i have sunk that low into thinking its better than this.
anything HAS to be better than this.
anything...
and from down here you all look pretty big.
you all are big.
i have this feeling
and its like someone stabbed me internally in my stomach
like somethings missing
now usually thats in my chest and my heart feels stabbed
but now its like cry worthy pain
my mum hates me
my nans dead
poppys dead
alice is dead
lady is dead
arnie is dead
norbert is dead
petunia is dead
brown patch is dead
poppa is dead
teresa is in queensland
kathleen in moving house
im dead
tonis in a bad way
jays all blind to pain
brans all not talkin just listening
i can deal with it!
i cant deal with him
i actually started crying because he didnt talk to me
he doesnt like talking about stuff but i need that
i need to be distracted from my pain.
thats what i need.
tonis pain is too similar to mine
jay just changes the subject and shuns crying
all my back up plans dont work
me and my mum are so like no talking
im trying
im so trying hard
i know its not good enough
but what can i do?
im fricken depressed
sometimes i think im not
but its times like these when i just go
theres no denying it
you cant hide it from yourself too
everyone else but not you
because im the only person whos going to stick by me always
i cant afford to push me away.
well i cant afford to push anyone away
i do it anyways but i cant afford to
i am at the bottom of the barrel
right down there
and im sure that the barrel can break and i can go deeper
but right now
i feel dead.
no i feel worse than dead
because if you are dead then the pain ends.
or atleast it doesnt get any worse.
you know sometimes i get so bad i have to promise my friends i wont
commit suicide.
today i had to promise cleo i wouldnt commit suicide till i was 18.
you know i dont think i will
because my friends would be so angry with me
but sometimes the pain just seperates me from all that
there is overwhelming pain, then guilt and anger and more pain.
im only 14
FOURTEEN DAMMIT!
im just a little baby
i shouldnt feel these things
and think these things
i shouldnt want these things.
there i said it.
i want to.
i wont.
but i want to.
i have sunk that low into thinking its better than this.
anything HAS to be better than this.
anything...
story of my life
hide and it will seek you
lie and it will eat you
pry and you have no head
escape and we will all be dead
kiss the light and be forever dark
loose the fire lost the spark
want the winner prepare to loose
live forever yet never choose
long to live till you die
never see the days that pass you by
the more you climb the harder you fall
the bigger you get the more you are small
you'll be the dead if you survive
never make the most of your life
see the star you'll never reach
be taught but never teach
consume the fire but never ignite
this is the story of my life
lie and it will eat you
pry and you have no head
escape and we will all be dead
kiss the light and be forever dark
loose the fire lost the spark
want the winner prepare to loose
live forever yet never choose
long to live till you die
never see the days that pass you by
the more you climb the harder you fall
the bigger you get the more you are small
you'll be the dead if you survive
never make the most of your life
see the star you'll never reach
be taught but never teach
consume the fire but never ignite
this is the story of my life
hide and seek
where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling
spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling
spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit
(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
lights will guide you home
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
how are you?
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i'm so lost
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i feel like life is just
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
on a train
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
and i'm stuck at the station
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
unable to get on
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
just
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
urgh
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
life is going too fast
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
and.. i don't know
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
it's just so
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
shit
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
like these people come into my classes and practically say i have to plan out my life right now
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
so i don't get to live my life?
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i just have to stand in line and wait
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i don't think thats fair
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i know that i need qualifications and all this stuff for doing whatever
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
but i don't feel like i'm ever going to be able to just
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
live
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i feel dead niah
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i feel sooooo dead
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
wait one second
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
ok
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
thats nice
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
non sarcastic btw lol
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
lol
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
im so sorry i cant do anthing
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
Lol it's fine
people say to keep your enemies closer than your friends,
i say dont listen to them.
if you have good friends you dont need enemies
you dont care what people think or do because you have someone to run to
toni i just want you to know
that i would run to you
and i hope that you could run to me too
niah xx
how are you?
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i'm so lost
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i feel like life is just
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
on a train
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
and i'm stuck at the station
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
unable to get on
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
just
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
urgh
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
life is going too fast
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
and.. i don't know
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
it's just so
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
shit
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
like these people come into my classes and practically say i have to plan out my life right now
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
so i don't get to live my life?
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i just have to stand in line and wait
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i don't think thats fair
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i know that i need qualifications and all this stuff for doing whatever
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
but i don't feel like i'm ever going to be able to just
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
live
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i feel dead niah
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i feel sooooo dead
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
wait one second
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
ok
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
thats nice
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
non sarcastic btw lol
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
lol
niah ♥Û´∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
im so sorry i cant do anthing
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
Lol it's fine
people say to keep your enemies closer than your friends,
i say dont listen to them.
if you have good friends you dont need enemies
you dont care what people think or do because you have someone to run to
toni i just want you to know
that i would run to you
and i hope that you could run to me too
niah xx
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Incredible Encounters of a Lonely Stray
Lol lonely stray
thats a great definition of me
a little lost soul wondering among people
smiling and waving and laughing but never feeling at home
never feeling part of anything
never feeling whole
today i once again had to tell toni that the guy she had her eye on didnt like her 'in that way'. why does in always have to be me? i know its like my duty as a friend but seriously, one heart can only be broken so many times by one person. first i stole her epic crush that shed liked for months then i had to break the news that marky fancied some other chick. im the breaker of hearts, thats my nick name now. at least mark is sorry. hes saying hell have nightmares of toni crying and just now he totally freaked out when tonis name had the 'Away' sign and was panicking that she was crying away from the screen. he really cares about her, in a way he may love her, but just unfortunately not the right way. but this chick mark likes, whos name im not aloud to tell anyone, sounds genuinly nice. i so wanted Mark to be gay, itsa like the ultimate excuse to explain not liking toni who i have explained many times would be the perfect girlfriend, mother and wife. man like i would date her if i was a guy. and i mean that in the most non-awkward way possible. but the problem with dating is that its either going to be your last boyfriend ever or you get totally battered and yu have to try again. its like you are a donught and you are sliding along a table, guys line the table and as you glide past they take a bite out of you, if they like you they keep you and when they dont like you they put you back out to be eaten again. then the right guy will come past and hell keep you safe and hell never put you back out on the table to be battered again. but you see once he takes you some donughts want to be back on the market and there you go, another problem. the donught gets a choice but when it makes a choice someone gets hurt and how does she know if its the right choice? the perfect guy could be next in line or he could be the last person or dying of the measles. he could be anywhere thats why its so stupid. BLOODY STUPID I TELL YOU! im just going to go.
thanks for reading
love you toni
niah xx
thats a great definition of me
a little lost soul wondering among people
smiling and waving and laughing but never feeling at home
never feeling part of anything
never feeling whole
today i once again had to tell toni that the guy she had her eye on didnt like her 'in that way'. why does in always have to be me? i know its like my duty as a friend but seriously, one heart can only be broken so many times by one person. first i stole her epic crush that shed liked for months then i had to break the news that marky fancied some other chick. im the breaker of hearts, thats my nick name now. at least mark is sorry. hes saying hell have nightmares of toni crying and just now he totally freaked out when tonis name had the 'Away' sign and was panicking that she was crying away from the screen. he really cares about her, in a way he may love her, but just unfortunately not the right way. but this chick mark likes, whos name im not aloud to tell anyone, sounds genuinly nice. i so wanted Mark to be gay, itsa like the ultimate excuse to explain not liking toni who i have explained many times would be the perfect girlfriend, mother and wife. man like i would date her if i was a guy. and i mean that in the most non-awkward way possible. but the problem with dating is that its either going to be your last boyfriend ever or you get totally battered and yu have to try again. its like you are a donught and you are sliding along a table, guys line the table and as you glide past they take a bite out of you, if they like you they keep you and when they dont like you they put you back out to be eaten again. then the right guy will come past and hell keep you safe and hell never put you back out on the table to be battered again. but you see once he takes you some donughts want to be back on the market and there you go, another problem. the donught gets a choice but when it makes a choice someone gets hurt and how does she know if its the right choice? the perfect guy could be next in line or he could be the last person or dying of the measles. he could be anywhere thats why its so stupid. BLOODY STUPID I TELL YOU! im just going to go.
thanks for reading
love you toni
niah xx
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Quote of the Week
me without you is like; a sneaker without laces, a geek without braces, asentencewithoutspaces
once again i say
i love you jayjay
once again i say
i love you jayjay
Fairytales, love and walking blind.
and so i lay on my bed,
reading old text messgaes,
old jokes and old words and old smiles.
Whispering thanks to people i didnt know were there,
and chatting away to the people in the air,
and pressing hard on my chest just to feel my heart beat,
to feel proof that i'm alive, that this is not a hoax,
not a dream or a story or a fairytale with a happy ending,
every fairytale contains love,
focusses on love,
every fairytale builds itself on love,
just a feeling,
but not a feeling one come past often,
a feeling one wont came past enough.
love. its what drives us all.
love for our brother, love for our cousin, love for our parents,
Our One True Love.
Thats how i feel. Except for the emptiness bit because without love you would be empty. without love wed all be empty and cold and wed all be dead because we would never have cared for this world that we live in and we would have either blown eachother up and never have cared for the 3rd world country and there wouldnt be doctors because no one would care enough to look after people and no one would have jobs and everyone would be fat and lazy like the americans. No offense to the americans i know youre all not fat but im in a bad mood right now. Arnie my little baby died and im still trying to get over it. whats worse is that i found him.i was cleaning out the tank and i knew he was missing but i thought bubbles ate him (see canibalism for more details) and i was taking out the pebbles and then i was like "DDAADD" and there he was, with no eyes and a hole in his chest which was empty. literally, it was empty. kinda significant if you think about it. The heart and the eyes where the first things to go. the eyes that could no longer see, the heart that could no longer beat. and my mum didnt even care about it. she was just like "its just a fish" and i just wanted to scream "NO ITS NOT! thats my baby i just burried, my responsibility, my little arnie whom i will never see again, not his cute little eyes that nudge the glass when hes hungry, well he left most of the nudging up to annie who i think was his lady fish, but you know, she could be with elroy, i dont study them enough to know that. but either way arnie liked to take the backseat, stay up hte back, get what hes given and never complain if he was hungry, which is probably what killed him, didnt fight for food and ended up starving because of it. My lovely little Arnie. I hope ill see you again one day my love, and i promise to try and take more care of Annie Elroy Ernie Wally Polly Sandra Blah Blah and Bubbles for you. rest in peace my love and give Petunia a kiss for me.
^... that was a quote from a book i just read called Beach Blondes by Katherine Applegate. Good easy read if you're looking for some fun. Just a heads up, its 721 pages. But it only took me 5 days so thats got to count for something. Ha not really. I'm a fast reader. Thats not being up myself or anything I'm just fast. I guess its because i put so much time aside for it. well anyways.
Thanks for reading.
Niah xx
Walking Blind
Is love blind or does it help you see?
See the beauties and wonders of how life can be?
Show that life always has its ups and downs?
Show a problem cant be solved with a frown?
Start the heart beating in an unusual way,
Because it stops when i hear all the words that you say?
Should i see your soul when i look in your eyes?
Start to sense and know when you are telling me lies?
Dream everynight about you an me?
Because this is love and you have made me see.
reading old text messgaes,
old jokes and old words and old smiles.
Whispering thanks to people i didnt know were there,
and chatting away to the people in the air,
and pressing hard on my chest just to feel my heart beat,
to feel proof that i'm alive, that this is not a hoax,
not a dream or a story or a fairytale with a happy ending,
every fairytale contains love,
focusses on love,
every fairytale builds itself on love,
just a feeling,
but not a feeling one come past often,
a feeling one wont came past enough.
love. its what drives us all.
love for our brother, love for our cousin, love for our parents,
Our One True Love.
She wanted to fall in love this summer, thinking that love was just some other form of entertaining fun, like scuba diving or sunbathing. Another cool thing to do at the beach. but it wasnt. It was dangerous. Without love you couldnt have pain. Without love you couldnt have loss. Grief. Emptiness. Love made it all possible.
Thats how i feel. Except for the emptiness bit because without love you would be empty. without love wed all be empty and cold and wed all be dead because we would never have cared for this world that we live in and we would have either blown eachother up and never have cared for the 3rd world country and there wouldnt be doctors because no one would care enough to look after people and no one would have jobs and everyone would be fat and lazy like the americans. No offense to the americans i know youre all not fat but im in a bad mood right now. Arnie my little baby died and im still trying to get over it. whats worse is that i found him.i was cleaning out the tank and i knew he was missing but i thought bubbles ate him (see canibalism for more details) and i was taking out the pebbles and then i was like "DDAADD" and there he was, with no eyes and a hole in his chest which was empty. literally, it was empty. kinda significant if you think about it. The heart and the eyes where the first things to go. the eyes that could no longer see, the heart that could no longer beat. and my mum didnt even care about it. she was just like "its just a fish" and i just wanted to scream "NO ITS NOT! thats my baby i just burried, my responsibility, my little arnie whom i will never see again, not his cute little eyes that nudge the glass when hes hungry, well he left most of the nudging up to annie who i think was his lady fish, but you know, she could be with elroy, i dont study them enough to know that. but either way arnie liked to take the backseat, stay up hte back, get what hes given and never complain if he was hungry, which is probably what killed him, didnt fight for food and ended up starving because of it. My lovely little Arnie. I hope ill see you again one day my love, and i promise to try and take more care of Annie Elroy Ernie Wally Polly Sandra Blah Blah and Bubbles for you. rest in peace my love and give Petunia a kiss for me.
^... that was a quote from a book i just read called Beach Blondes by Katherine Applegate. Good easy read if you're looking for some fun. Just a heads up, its 721 pages. But it only took me 5 days so thats got to count for something. Ha not really. I'm a fast reader. Thats not being up myself or anything I'm just fast. I guess its because i put so much time aside for it. well anyways.
Thanks for reading.
Niah xx
Walking Blind
Is love blind or does it help you see?
See the beauties and wonders of how life can be?
Show that life always has its ups and downs?
Show a problem cant be solved with a frown?
Start the heart beating in an unusual way,
Because it stops when i hear all the words that you say?
Should i see your soul when i look in your eyes?
Start to sense and know when you are telling me lies?
Dream everynight about you an me?
Because this is love and you have made me see.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
ICE AGE 2 - the meltdown
ok last night i had a massive breakdown
everything i watched yesterday made me cry or made me mass sad
then when i went to bed i like well had a melt down
ask brandon, he was helping me.
i was going on about being a murderer and a killer
hold on ill re-write the texts
niah - Brandon? im scared
brandon - :O what are you scared about?!? Tell me!
niah - School Life Death Love Time Darkness Height Spiders Snakes Crying Sounds Difference Everything. I'm just so scared right now i'm so lost. noone can find me Bran
brandon - Babe im so sorry :S but you dont need to be scared. i'm here for you but im afraid thats all i can do right now coz im not so good with words. Why are you scared about it all?That might be a stupid question but it could be the only way i could help
niah - I'm such a waste of space, of air. The world is falling down around us and im making it worse. I'm a killer, im a murderer. im bad. wha do i do? help me
brandon - you're not a waste of space or air. if you were, do you think you would have friends that care so much about you? and how the hell are you a murderer? everyone lives for a purpose. were meant to enjoy life for as long as we can and not worry about whats gonna happen tomorrow. i think just dont think about things so deeply. sorry bad with words...
niah - you're great with words. you made me cry. bad words wouldnt make me cry. Every second an area the size of two soccer pitches gets logged abd im lying on a dead tree.i kill so many animals everyday gasses i make melt ice caps and flood homes and the poor little ants i step on. Babe tomorrow is everything xxxx
brandon - babe itll be hard to stop them from cutting down so many trees. So many people use all that stuff they dont need so its barely your fault. what makes you think about all of this? you make me worry when you worry. please dont worry. cheer up hunny youll live alot longer. i want you around for as long as i have to live.
niah - what makes you sure i wont die tomorrow? i dont want to die brandon. i dont like death. its mean and scary and too many things face it everyday too many animals and people.the world shouldnt be like this. the world should be healthy and a happy place but its not. you make me happy baby. you make me smile.
brandon - no you wont die tomorrow. god has a plan and a purpose for you. and death is just another way of continuing life. it goes on for a good amount of time and im pretty sure no one can change this. please smile babe. i dont know why youre worrying! and yes, life is to short to worry. so smile and enjoy it while i enjoy mine with you.
and it went on.
my question though is, is there something after death?
is there a heaven or a garden or an ocean or do you come back as something/someone else or is it a big black nothing. is death the end? or is it another chapter in your life? when your dead can you watch over alive loved ones? can you haunt people? my nan said she saw the light when she passed out once and that it was the most beautiful thing shed ever seen. so i believe there is a light but where does it lead? i wont find out but i have to ask. i dont want to go nowhere i want to live i want to live in death.
niah xx
everything i watched yesterday made me cry or made me mass sad
then when i went to bed i like well had a melt down
ask brandon, he was helping me.
i was going on about being a murderer and a killer
hold on ill re-write the texts
niah - Brandon? im scared
brandon - :O what are you scared about?!? Tell me!
niah - School Life Death Love Time Darkness Height Spiders Snakes Crying Sounds Difference Everything. I'm just so scared right now i'm so lost. noone can find me Bran
brandon - Babe im so sorry :S but you dont need to be scared. i'm here for you but im afraid thats all i can do right now coz im not so good with words. Why are you scared about it all?That might be a stupid question but it could be the only way i could help
niah - I'm such a waste of space, of air. The world is falling down around us and im making it worse. I'm a killer, im a murderer. im bad. wha do i do? help me
brandon - you're not a waste of space or air. if you were, do you think you would have friends that care so much about you? and how the hell are you a murderer? everyone lives for a purpose. were meant to enjoy life for as long as we can and not worry about whats gonna happen tomorrow. i think just dont think about things so deeply. sorry bad with words...
niah - you're great with words. you made me cry. bad words wouldnt make me cry. Every second an area the size of two soccer pitches gets logged abd im lying on a dead tree.i kill so many animals everyday gasses i make melt ice caps and flood homes and the poor little ants i step on. Babe tomorrow is everything xxxx
brandon - babe itll be hard to stop them from cutting down so many trees. So many people use all that stuff they dont need so its barely your fault. what makes you think about all of this? you make me worry when you worry. please dont worry. cheer up hunny youll live alot longer. i want you around for as long as i have to live.
niah - what makes you sure i wont die tomorrow? i dont want to die brandon. i dont like death. its mean and scary and too many things face it everyday too many animals and people.the world shouldnt be like this. the world should be healthy and a happy place but its not. you make me happy baby. you make me smile.
brandon - no you wont die tomorrow. god has a plan and a purpose for you. and death is just another way of continuing life. it goes on for a good amount of time and im pretty sure no one can change this. please smile babe. i dont know why youre worrying! and yes, life is to short to worry. so smile and enjoy it while i enjoy mine with you.
and it went on.
my question though is, is there something after death?
is there a heaven or a garden or an ocean or do you come back as something/someone else or is it a big black nothing. is death the end? or is it another chapter in your life? when your dead can you watch over alive loved ones? can you haunt people? my nan said she saw the light when she passed out once and that it was the most beautiful thing shed ever seen. so i believe there is a light but where does it lead? i wont find out but i have to ask. i dont want to go nowhere i want to live i want to live in death.
niah xx
when we journey home
when....
When i hold your hand
when you understand
when the cold wind blows
when suspicion grows
when we fall apart
when our new lives start
when night grows near
when empty is fear
when there's warmth in your eyes
when you clear up the skies
when our spirits break away
when we face the newest day
when we merge into one
when our lives have begun
Journey Home
The mountain range before us
tall and high and strong
weather wont deter us
our strides are big and fast and long
as we journey along this path
as we travel to the stars
our legs will guide us forward
no bus or wheels or cars.
but god will grant us wishes
of hope of dreams of new
but wishes are not needed
as long as I've got you
our hearts beat together
beat loud and proud and strong
fate wont deter us
our lives are big and fast and long
as our lives are leading forward
as our minds are winding back
we'll lie under the stars as one
our pillows are our packs
when we reach the peak of the mountain
ready to go home
i realised all of a sudden
that home is everywhere we roam
for as long as i am near you
palm in palm we stand
home is all around me
no fence no roof no land.
niah xx
When i hold your hand
when you understand
when the cold wind blows
when suspicion grows
when we fall apart
when our new lives start
when night grows near
when empty is fear
when there's warmth in your eyes
when you clear up the skies
when our spirits break away
when we face the newest day
when we merge into one
when our lives have begun
Journey Home
The mountain range before us
tall and high and strong
weather wont deter us
our strides are big and fast and long
as we journey along this path
as we travel to the stars
our legs will guide us forward
no bus or wheels or cars.
but god will grant us wishes
of hope of dreams of new
but wishes are not needed
as long as I've got you
our hearts beat together
beat loud and proud and strong
fate wont deter us
our lives are big and fast and long
as our lives are leading forward
as our minds are winding back
we'll lie under the stars as one
our pillows are our packs
when we reach the peak of the mountain
ready to go home
i realised all of a sudden
that home is everywhere we roam
for as long as i am near you
palm in palm we stand
home is all around me
no fence no roof no land.
niah xx
Friday, July 10, 2009
the fear of being myself
today i went bowling with the fam
i totally suck at bowling
i mean im terrible
but when i was there the music was good as
it was like they had taken my old ipod and played it
it was awesome
and we were next to this asian family who were nice as
so i was sitting down waiting when miley cyrus's 'the climb' came on
and i was singing 'i can almost see it, that dreamim dreaming but there's a voice inside my head saying, youll never reach it' taya was singing too and then i looked to the asian family and one of the sons was singing too. so i started to laugh and smile because it was kinda funny that three of as sang at the same time and i was really proud of that kid because it was like brave for a guy to sing in public. like how many guys do that these days? in a weird way i was like proud. anyways this kid whos name started with s and for the sake of this blog i shall call him sam, but this sam i will remember forever and at least now i can read this if i forget. but i hope that more people can be themselves in public. you know that medibank add? thats like: whats freedom? freedom is sleeping in. freedom is dancing in public. <--- lets go dance in public, lets go be crazy and wear retro clothes and undies on our heads and peacock feathers sticking out of our pants and big guinness hats. yet we dont actually, we wear fashionable things and we dress up for down the road and even though i say it all the time i never go out in my pyjamas. why does our hair have to be done to go and have a coffee down the road? because we worry about what people think, we are worried about what people say about us. we are scared. shit man i am scared. but i dont want to be. i want to wear what i want and not have to be looked at strangely. i want to be myself and not care if people look at me weirdly. but im scared that ill never be able to do that. scared that im going to turn out to be that lady in the series of unfortunate events the eide window where that lady is scared of everything and anything. she ends up dying in the end and she has nothing. and her house is realy creepy too. she doesnt hold the door knob because shes scared itll fall and spray into her eyes and shes scared the fridge will fall on her. and she doesnt use the heater or oven because she doesnt want to get burnt. she was scared of everything, papercuts even and i dont want that to be me. i dont want to be scared but i am. fear is terribly annoying me right now.
niah xx
why not
You think you're going nowhere
when you're walking down the street
Acting like you just don't care
when life could be so sweet
So why you wanna be like that,
This is nothing new
You're not foolin no one
you're not even foolin you
So walk a little slower
and open up your eyes
sometimes its so hard to see
the good things pass you by
There may never be a sign
no flashing neon light
tellin you to make your move
or when the time is right (so)
why not (Why not)
take crazy chance
why not (Why not)
do a crazy dance
if you lose the moment
you might lose a lot
so why not why not
(why not take a crazy chance, why not take a crazy chance)
You always dress in yellow
when you wanna dress in gold
instead of listenin' to your heart
you do just what you're told
if you keep waiting where you are
oh what you'll never know
so let's just get into your car,
and go baby go! (so)
why not (Why not)
take crazy chance
why not (Why not)
do a crazy dance
if you lose the moment
you might lose a lot
so why not why not
Ohhhhh!I could be the one for you
Ohhh yeah! yes maybe no
Ohhh!! It could be the thing to do
all I'm sayin is you gotta let me know
Ah yaya yaya yayaya
You'll never get to heaven
or even to LA
if you don't beleive there's a way
(why not take a star from the sky
why not spread your wings and fly)
Oh! It might take a little
and it might take alot
But why not why not
why not
(take crazy chance)
take crazy chance
why not
(do a crazy dance)
do a crazy dance
if you lose the moment
you might lose a lot
so why not why not
coming clean
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned
'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no life
I defy
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin
'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming...
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
i totally suck at bowling
i mean im terrible
but when i was there the music was good as
it was like they had taken my old ipod and played it
it was awesome
and we were next to this asian family who were nice as
so i was sitting down waiting when miley cyrus's 'the climb' came on
and i was singing 'i can almost see it, that dreamim dreaming but there's a voice inside my head saying, youll never reach it' taya was singing too and then i looked to the asian family and one of the sons was singing too. so i started to laugh and smile because it was kinda funny that three of as sang at the same time and i was really proud of that kid because it was like brave for a guy to sing in public. like how many guys do that these days? in a weird way i was like proud. anyways this kid whos name started with s and for the sake of this blog i shall call him sam, but this sam i will remember forever and at least now i can read this if i forget. but i hope that more people can be themselves in public. you know that medibank add? thats like: whats freedom? freedom is sleeping in. freedom is dancing in public. <--- lets go dance in public, lets go be crazy and wear retro clothes and undies on our heads and peacock feathers sticking out of our pants and big guinness hats. yet we dont actually, we wear fashionable things and we dress up for down the road and even though i say it all the time i never go out in my pyjamas. why does our hair have to be done to go and have a coffee down the road? because we worry about what people think, we are worried about what people say about us. we are scared. shit man i am scared. but i dont want to be. i want to wear what i want and not have to be looked at strangely. i want to be myself and not care if people look at me weirdly. but im scared that ill never be able to do that. scared that im going to turn out to be that lady in the series of unfortunate events the eide window where that lady is scared of everything and anything. she ends up dying in the end and she has nothing. and her house is realy creepy too. she doesnt hold the door knob because shes scared itll fall and spray into her eyes and shes scared the fridge will fall on her. and she doesnt use the heater or oven because she doesnt want to get burnt. she was scared of everything, papercuts even and i dont want that to be me. i dont want to be scared but i am. fear is terribly annoying me right now.
niah xx
why not
You think you're going nowhere
when you're walking down the street
Acting like you just don't care
when life could be so sweet
So why you wanna be like that,
This is nothing new
You're not foolin no one
you're not even foolin you
So walk a little slower
and open up your eyes
sometimes its so hard to see
the good things pass you by
There may never be a sign
no flashing neon light
tellin you to make your move
or when the time is right (so)
why not (Why not)
take crazy chance
why not (Why not)
do a crazy dance
if you lose the moment
you might lose a lot
so why not why not
(why not take a crazy chance, why not take a crazy chance)
You always dress in yellow
when you wanna dress in gold
instead of listenin' to your heart
you do just what you're told
if you keep waiting where you are
oh what you'll never know
so let's just get into your car,
and go baby go! (so)
why not (Why not)
take crazy chance
why not (Why not)
do a crazy dance
if you lose the moment
you might lose a lot
so why not why not
Ohhhhh!I could be the one for you
Ohhh yeah! yes maybe no
Ohhh!! It could be the thing to do
all I'm sayin is you gotta let me know
Ah yaya yaya yayaya
You'll never get to heaven
or even to LA
if you don't beleive there's a way
(why not take a star from the sky
why not spread your wings and fly)
Oh! It might take a little
and it might take alot
But why not why not
why not
(take crazy chance)
take crazy chance
why not
(do a crazy dance)
do a crazy dance
if you lose the moment
you might lose a lot
so why not why not
coming clean
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned
'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no life
I defy
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin
'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming...
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Thursday, July 9, 2009
toni's awesomeness
lol
incase you havnt already guessed
toni is pretty awesome
shes pretty cool
pretty different
pretty out-there
(omg i used to love that show)
pretty emo-ish
(in the best way possible of course)
pretty black
(clothes and make-up wise)
and shes pretty.
in my eyes shes freaking perfect
nice, pretty, tall, skinny,
thats a good criteria on my watch.
also shes like totally herself
so people remember her
whether its for something she did or said
or whether its because of her massive size
toni is hard to forget
well thats what i think
but she tries to sink in
she tries to be a nobody
she tries to be normal
but you see there is no such thing as normal
normal lives
normal days
normal hair
normal anything
it doesnt exist
because everyones version of normal is different
mine would be to finish school go to uni
get a job get married have some kids
that would be the plan
but people in tribes and stuff they wouldnt even know what a uni was
some people would just get any job they could find
so toni even though i totally did a crap explination
i just want you to know
i love you
i will always love you
and if you want to be normal
to me you already are
you are toni
and you are awesome
because you were born that way
you are how god made you
and i believe that your amazing
just the way you are
and even if this is gay as
and you hate me for it
its true
toni is awesome
toni is not normal
she is not average
she is toni
she is miss cernosa
she is herself
she is tall
she is funny
she is funky
she is strange
she is twisty
she is dark
but in the words of dr. derek shepherd
and on that note
i say good night
niah xx
incase you havnt already guessed
toni is pretty awesome
shes pretty cool
pretty different
pretty out-there
(omg i used to love that show)
pretty emo-ish
(in the best way possible of course)
pretty black
(clothes and make-up wise)
and shes pretty.
in my eyes shes freaking perfect
nice, pretty, tall, skinny,
thats a good criteria on my watch.
also shes like totally herself
so people remember her
whether its for something she did or said
or whether its because of her massive size
toni is hard to forget
well thats what i think
but she tries to sink in
she tries to be a nobody
she tries to be normal
but you see there is no such thing as normal
normal lives
normal days
normal hair
normal anything
it doesnt exist
because everyones version of normal is different
mine would be to finish school go to uni
get a job get married have some kids
that would be the plan
but people in tribes and stuff they wouldnt even know what a uni was
some people would just get any job they could find
so toni even though i totally did a crap explination
i just want you to know
i love you
i will always love you
and if you want to be normal
to me you already are
you are toni
and you are awesome
because you were born that way
you are how god made you
and i believe that your amazing
just the way you are
and even if this is gay as
and you hate me for it
its true
toni is awesome
toni is not normal
she is not average
she is toni
she is miss cernosa
she is herself
she is tall
she is funny
she is funky
she is strange
she is twisty
she is dark
but in the words of dr. derek shepherd
you say you're all dark and twisty, its not a flaw, its a strength, it makes you who you are
and on that note
i say good night
niah xx
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I AM NOWHERE ~ I AM NOW HERE
pretty cool huh?
lol
i like it anyways
and for those of you who dont understand
there's a space between the w and the h
lol im not gay at all
i really like it though
in two sentences your lost and found again
no one can literally be nowhere
unless of course the place is named Nowhere
so you instantly feel uneasy
and then CABOOM your safe again
because you know where you are
you know where here is because you can see it
here is where you want it to be.
but then again, can you trust what you see?
there's a myth that everything we see is an illusion,
an illusion that everyone shares
isnt that scary?
everything we know and everything we knew is just an illusion
i dont like that myth
no sir
but it makes you think
you know that movie Horton Hears a Hoo?
what if that real?
what if we're a little speck on someones flower
*shudder*
it better be a pretty flower
shit imagine how big that world would be
itd have to fit our whole universe in it
ewwewwewwewwewwewwewwewwewwwww
i dont like this blog
im going to end it there.
whilst im still sane
thatnks for reading
niah xx
lol
i like it anyways
and for those of you who dont understand
there's a space between the w and the h
lol im not gay at all
i really like it though
in two sentences your lost and found again
no one can literally be nowhere
unless of course the place is named Nowhere
so you instantly feel uneasy
and then CABOOM your safe again
because you know where you are
you know where here is because you can see it
here is where you want it to be.
but then again, can you trust what you see?
there's a myth that everything we see is an illusion,
an illusion that everyone shares
isnt that scary?
everything we know and everything we knew is just an illusion
i dont like that myth
no sir
but it makes you think
you know that movie Horton Hears a Hoo?
what if that real?
what if we're a little speck on someones flower
*shudder*
it better be a pretty flower
shit imagine how big that world would be
itd have to fit our whole universe in it
ewwewwewwewwewwewwewwewwewwwww
i dont like this blog
im going to end it there.
whilst im still sane
thatnks for reading
niah xx
Monday, June 29, 2009
unpredictable
heyhey
youll be glad to know im not as scared anymore
haha i kinda feel stupid. i mean i was terrified, i felt like i had betrayed him, and in one sentence he cleared it all up, all the confusion and fear all went away.
in this life i have learnt, well alot, but mainly that people are unpredictable, feelings and around about everything in this world is unpredictable. And maybe then we should tell everyone the truth, maybe then we should do whats right, maybe then we should say how we feel and hope that the person recieving your information will surprise you, they will be unpredictable. and if not then screw them. im sorry to say i havnt picked up any feathers, not that i have walked much, but still.
i hope you like these lyrics. Next time i think ill show you a few more of my poems.
niah xx
Welcome to my life- Simple Plan
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Running- Evermore
too many words
too many lies
i can't quite see the truth
when i look into your eyes
i feel I'm cured
and i know i should
step away turn around
let my feet hit the ground
...running, running, running, running...
you don't need a broken heart
to know one can be broken
you just need to open your eyes.. yeah
we don't need to be decieved
to know a lie can be spoken
we don't have to learn everything twice
I don't know
I really don't know
If this castle in the sand
is strong enough to stand
i feel I'm cured
and i know i should
step away turn around
Let my feet hit the ground
...running, running, running, running...
you don't need a broken heart
to know one can be broken
you just need to open your eyes.. yeah
we don't need to be decieved
to know a lie can be spoken
we don't have to learn everything twice
Coz i know
how it feels
all the pain
is so real
coz u sink
and you drown
till your feet hit the ground
...running, running, running, running...
coz you don't need a broken heart
to know a heart can be broken
you just need to open your eyes.. yeah
we don't need a tv show
to tell us which way to go
we just need to do what we know
woah woah woah
woah woah woah
woah woah woah
woah woah woah
youll be glad to know im not as scared anymore
haha i kinda feel stupid. i mean i was terrified, i felt like i had betrayed him, and in one sentence he cleared it all up, all the confusion and fear all went away.
in this life i have learnt, well alot, but mainly that people are unpredictable, feelings and around about everything in this world is unpredictable. And maybe then we should tell everyone the truth, maybe then we should do whats right, maybe then we should say how we feel and hope that the person recieving your information will surprise you, they will be unpredictable. and if not then screw them. im sorry to say i havnt picked up any feathers, not that i have walked much, but still.
i hope you like these lyrics. Next time i think ill show you a few more of my poems.
niah xx
Welcome to my life- Simple Plan
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Running- Evermore
too many words
too many lies
i can't quite see the truth
when i look into your eyes
i feel I'm cured
and i know i should
step away turn around
let my feet hit the ground
...running, running, running, running...
you don't need a broken heart
to know one can be broken
you just need to open your eyes.. yeah
we don't need to be decieved
to know a lie can be spoken
we don't have to learn everything twice
I don't know
I really don't know
If this castle in the sand
is strong enough to stand
i feel I'm cured
and i know i should
step away turn around
Let my feet hit the ground
...running, running, running, running...
you don't need a broken heart
to know one can be broken
you just need to open your eyes.. yeah
we don't need to be decieved
to know a lie can be spoken
we don't have to learn everything twice
Coz i know
how it feels
all the pain
is so real
coz u sink
and you drown
till your feet hit the ground
...running, running, running, running...
coz you don't need a broken heart
to know a heart can be broken
you just need to open your eyes.. yeah
we don't need a tv show
to tell us which way to go
we just need to do what we know
woah woah woah
woah woah woah
woah woah woah
woah woah woah
Saturday, June 27, 2009
icantthinkofanamesoimjustcallingitthis
ok so i havnt blogged in forever but i have taken the time out to write this all down on paper because i couldnt use my comp. see? i do care.
Well schools been a drag as usual, boring boring boring work work work and speaking of drags and work my job is starting to push my buttons. its cold, ok its freezing, its dark, windy and sometimes raining and i have to leave work in bathers and a towel and soaked through *shudder*. The kids are awesome though, well most of them are, there's always the odd exception, but, hey whos perfect? Not me, thats for sure. Well these couple of days i havnt been comp. bound i've had some time to think, to really think, and ive come to a conclusion. I'm scared. I'm terrified of going on msn. I cant face brandon. i mean i think about him ALL the time and i care for him sooo much but i dont love him and im scared. Don't get me wrong, i really like him, i like like him, but im only 14, im just a baby, im not in love. im just a kid. he always says 'i love you' and i say 'i love you too' but now i just feel like a liar so im hiding. He's been worrying so much about me and toni actually texted me today. TONI!!! its crazy-madness and im starting to worry about myself. ive never been normal, haha thats a bit out of my reach but now im scared of things like a computer and having strange-ass dreams. lol dreams are made up by the things you worry about and think about constantly, they are made up by your brain. i think i might just have brain damage, or maybe i just worry too much. im seriously scraping the barrel for ideas here. all the time i was away i had all these ideas and now im here they all seem stupid or embarrassing or totally boring. oh im reaading a really good book, well technically i was reading a really good book. its called tomorrow when the war began. Its in a series of 7 and i think the authors name is james marsden. i have all these quotes i wanted to put up but that fell under the totally boring catagory. OMG Michael Jackson died!! the poor thing. i feel so bad, ive always thought he was a creep, no offense to anybody, i think hes a great singer, its just that i never looked behind his face and now i feel bad, like i missed out, i hate regret, stupid feeling, i dont like it. Mind you i dont like a lot of things, most of which are feelings, but when i think about it, a lot of the things i like are feelings. well ive hit the bottom of the barrel.
thanks for reading
i appreciate it
niah xx
Well schools been a drag as usual, boring boring boring work work work and speaking of drags and work my job is starting to push my buttons. its cold, ok its freezing, its dark, windy and sometimes raining and i have to leave work in bathers and a towel and soaked through *shudder*. The kids are awesome though, well most of them are, there's always the odd exception, but, hey whos perfect? Not me, thats for sure. Well these couple of days i havnt been comp. bound i've had some time to think, to really think, and ive come to a conclusion. I'm scared. I'm terrified of going on msn. I cant face brandon. i mean i think about him ALL the time and i care for him sooo much but i dont love him and im scared. Don't get me wrong, i really like him, i like like him, but im only 14, im just a baby, im not in love. im just a kid. he always says 'i love you' and i say 'i love you too' but now i just feel like a liar so im hiding. He's been worrying so much about me and toni actually texted me today. TONI!!! its crazy-madness and im starting to worry about myself. ive never been normal, haha thats a bit out of my reach but now im scared of things like a computer and having strange-ass dreams. lol dreams are made up by the things you worry about and think about constantly, they are made up by your brain. i think i might just have brain damage, or maybe i just worry too much. im seriously scraping the barrel for ideas here. all the time i was away i had all these ideas and now im here they all seem stupid or embarrassing or totally boring. oh im reaading a really good book, well technically i was reading a really good book. its called tomorrow when the war began. Its in a series of 7 and i think the authors name is james marsden. i have all these quotes i wanted to put up but that fell under the totally boring catagory. OMG Michael Jackson died!! the poor thing. i feel so bad, ive always thought he was a creep, no offense to anybody, i think hes a great singer, its just that i never looked behind his face and now i feel bad, like i missed out, i hate regret, stupid feeling, i dont like it. Mind you i dont like a lot of things, most of which are feelings, but when i think about it, a lot of the things i like are feelings. well ive hit the bottom of the barrel.
thanks for reading
i appreciate it
niah xx
Saturday, June 20, 2009
expressions
it seems i have nothing much to say
so instead of not blogging ill just let other people show you how i feel
They tell you a good girl is quiet
And that you should never ask why
'Cause it only makes it harder to fit in
You should be happy, excited
Even if you're just invited
'Cause the winners need
Someone to clap for them
It's so hard, just waiting
In a line that never moves
It's time you started making
Your own rules
You gotta scream until
There's nothing left
With your last breath, say
Here I am, here I am
Make'em listen
'Cause there is no way you'll be ignored
Not anymore, say
Here I am, here I am
Here I am, here I am
You only get one life to work it
So who care's if it's not perfect
Say, "it's close enough to perfect for me"
Why should you hide from the thunder
And the lightning that you're under
'Cause there ain't nobody else
You want to be
If how your living isn't working
There's one thing that'll help
You got to finally just stop searching
To find yourself
You gotta scream until
There's nothing left
With your last breath, say
Here I am, here I am
Make'em listen
'Cause there is no way you'll be ignored
Not anymore, say
Here I am, here I am
Here I am, here I am
The world better make some room
Yeah, move over, over.
Cause you're coming through
Cause you're coming through
Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home
Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
and don't know what to do
The memory of love will see you through
O love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
Some say they don't know
Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
A thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
Some say they don't know
Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
A thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you
No one on earth means more to me
Your painted pictures are the way that the world Should be
Don’t ever change it, I don’t wanna live in this World without you
Oh no
I can’t explain, I can’t define
What you do to me, but my senses are so alive
You tell your story and it’s all that I ever believe
Portraits and poetry are frozen forms of perfection
But they don’t live and breathe
When my heart’s in need they don’t answer me
You - ooo oooh you are, you’re a human work of art
Walking, talking inspiration
You - ooo oooh you are, you’re a human work of art
You make me love, you make me care
You give me freedom I don’t need when I know You’re there
My search is over I’ve got all of the riches that Money don’t buy, oh no
Your words are poetry and your face is more than Perfection
The way I watch you move it only goes to prove
In everything to do
You - oooh oooh you are, you’re a human work of art
Walking, talking inspiration
You - ooooh ooh you are, you’re a human work of art
You’re my mission
You’re my goal
Oooh you liberate my soul
There’s no illusion, that your touch is gold
Portraits and poetry are frozen forms of perfection
The way I watch you move it only goes to prove
In everything you do
You - oooh oooh you are, you’re a human work of art
Walking, talking new sensation
You - ooooh oooh you are, you’re a human work of art
Walking, talking inspiration
If roses are meant to be red
And violets to be blue
Why isn't my heart meant for you
My hands longing to touch you
But I can barely breathe
Starry eyes that make me melt
Right in front of me
Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found
This music's irresistible
Your voice makes my skin crawl
Innocent and pure
I guess you heard it all before
Mister Inaccessible
Will this ever change
One thing that remains the same
You're still a picture in a frame
Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found
I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
That's where I'll be found
Yeah yeah
I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
Am I the only one
Ooh
Crashing into walls,
Banging on your door,
So why'd you let me in?
Falling through the floor,
Diving in too deep,
Underneath your skin.
So good you got to abuse it,
So fast that sometimes you lose it,
It chews you up when you feed it,
but everyone needs to eat,
Am I too much for you?
'Cause you're too much for me,
Still wanna be corrupted.
Let's convince ourselves
it's all under control,
A stone that we can break,
But is this what we want?
'Cause might miss the hate,
I know it feels so good,
To make the same mistake (mistake, mistakes).
So good you got to abuse it,
So fast that sometimes you lose it,
It chews you up when you feed it,
but everyone needs to eat,
Am I too much for you?
'Cause you're too much for me,
Still wanna be corrupted.
Do you remember how it started?
The fairytale got twisted and decayed,
The innocence has all been broken,
How did we get this way?
So good you got to abuse it,
So fast that sometimes you lose it,
It chews you up when you feed it,
but everyone needs to eat,
So good you got to abuse it,
So fast that sometimes you lose it,
It chews you up when you feed it,
but everyone needs to eat,
Am I too much for you?
'Cause you're too much for me,
Still wanna be,
And I still wanna be corrupted.
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination . . .
Silently the senses abandon their defences . . .
Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendour . . .
Grasp it, sense it - tremulous and tender . . .
Turn your face away from the garish light of day,
turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light -
and listen to the music of the night . . .
Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams!
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before!
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar!
And you'll live as you've never lived before . . .
Softly, deftly, music shall surround you . . .
Feel it, hear it, closing in around you . . .
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,
in this darkness which you know you cannot fight -
the darkness of the music of the night . . .
Let your mind start a journey through a strange new world!
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before!
Let your soul take you where you long to be!
Only then can you belong to me . . .
Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!
Touch me, trust me savour each sensation!
Let the dream begin,
let your darker side give in
to the power of the music that I write -
the power of the music of the night . . .
You alone can make my song
take flight -help me make the music of the night . .
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old
The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine
Tell me that you'll open your eyes [x4]
Get up, get out, get away from these liars
'Cause they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time
Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine
Tell me that you'll open your eyes [x8]
All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I never promised you a ray of light
I never promised there’d be sunshine every day
I’ll give you everything I have
The good the bad
Why do you put me on a pedestal?
I’m so up high that I can’t see the ground below
So help me down you’ve got it wrong
I don’t belong there
One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn’t say so
You wouldn’t say so if you were me
And I, I just want to love you
Oh I, I just want to love you
I always said that I would make mistakes
I’m only human and that’s my saving grace
I’ll fall as hard as I try
So don’t be blinded
See me as I really am
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin
So pull me from that pedestal
I don’t belong there
One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn’t say so
You wouldn’t say so if you were me
And I, I just want to love you
Oh I, I just want to love you
Like to think that you know me
But in your eyes
I am something above me
That's only in your mind
Only in your mind
I wear a, I wear a, I wear a Halo
One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn’t say so
You wouldn’t say so if you were me
And I, I just want to love you
Oh I, I just want to love you
(I just wanna love you)
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
so instead of not blogging ill just let other people show you how i feel
They tell you a good girl is quiet
And that you should never ask why
'Cause it only makes it harder to fit in
You should be happy, excited
Even if you're just invited
'Cause the winners need
Someone to clap for them
It's so hard, just waiting
In a line that never moves
It's time you started making
Your own rules
You gotta scream until
There's nothing left
With your last breath, say
Here I am, here I am
Make'em listen
'Cause there is no way you'll be ignored
Not anymore, say
Here I am, here I am
Here I am, here I am
You only get one life to work it
So who care's if it's not perfect
Say, "it's close enough to perfect for me"
Why should you hide from the thunder
And the lightning that you're under
'Cause there ain't nobody else
You want to be
If how your living isn't working
There's one thing that'll help
You got to finally just stop searching
To find yourself
You gotta scream until
There's nothing left
With your last breath, say
Here I am, here I am
Make'em listen
'Cause there is no way you'll be ignored
Not anymore, say
Here I am, here I am
Here I am, here I am
The world better make some room
Yeah, move over, over.
Cause you're coming through
Cause you're coming through
Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home
Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
and don't know what to do
The memory of love will see you through
O love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
Some say they don't know
Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
A thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
Some say they don't know
Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
A thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you
No one on earth means more to me
Your painted pictures are the way that the world Should be
Don’t ever change it, I don’t wanna live in this World without you
Oh no
I can’t explain, I can’t define
What you do to me, but my senses are so alive
You tell your story and it’s all that I ever believe
Portraits and poetry are frozen forms of perfection
But they don’t live and breathe
When my heart’s in need they don’t answer me
You - ooo oooh you are, you’re a human work of art
Walking, talking inspiration
You - ooo oooh you are, you’re a human work of art
You make me love, you make me care
You give me freedom I don’t need when I know You’re there
My search is over I’ve got all of the riches that Money don’t buy, oh no
Your words are poetry and your face is more than Perfection
The way I watch you move it only goes to prove
In everything to do
You - oooh oooh you are, you’re a human work of art
Walking, talking inspiration
You - ooooh ooh you are, you’re a human work of art
You’re my mission
You’re my goal
Oooh you liberate my soul
There’s no illusion, that your touch is gold
Portraits and poetry are frozen forms of perfection
The way I watch you move it only goes to prove
In everything you do
You - oooh oooh you are, you’re a human work of art
Walking, talking new sensation
You - ooooh oooh you are, you’re a human work of art
Walking, talking inspiration
If roses are meant to be red
And violets to be blue
Why isn't my heart meant for you
My hands longing to touch you
But I can barely breathe
Starry eyes that make me melt
Right in front of me
Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found
This music's irresistible
Your voice makes my skin crawl
Innocent and pure
I guess you heard it all before
Mister Inaccessible
Will this ever change
One thing that remains the same
You're still a picture in a frame
Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found
I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
That's where I'll be found
Yeah yeah
I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
Am I the only one
Ooh
Crashing into walls,
Banging on your door,
So why'd you let me in?
Falling through the floor,
Diving in too deep,
Underneath your skin.
So good you got to abuse it,
So fast that sometimes you lose it,
It chews you up when you feed it,
but everyone needs to eat,
Am I too much for you?
'Cause you're too much for me,
Still wanna be corrupted.
Let's convince ourselves
it's all under control,
A stone that we can break,
But is this what we want?
'Cause might miss the hate,
I know it feels so good,
To make the same mistake (mistake, mistakes).
So good you got to abuse it,
So fast that sometimes you lose it,
It chews you up when you feed it,
but everyone needs to eat,
Am I too much for you?
'Cause you're too much for me,
Still wanna be corrupted.
Do you remember how it started?
The fairytale got twisted and decayed,
The innocence has all been broken,
How did we get this way?
So good you got to abuse it,
So fast that sometimes you lose it,
It chews you up when you feed it,
but everyone needs to eat,
So good you got to abuse it,
So fast that sometimes you lose it,
It chews you up when you feed it,
but everyone needs to eat,
Am I too much for you?
'Cause you're too much for me,
Still wanna be,
And I still wanna be corrupted.
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination . . .
Silently the senses abandon their defences . . .
Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendour . . .
Grasp it, sense it - tremulous and tender . . .
Turn your face away from the garish light of day,
turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light -
and listen to the music of the night . . .
Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams!
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before!
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar!
And you'll live as you've never lived before . . .
Softly, deftly, music shall surround you . . .
Feel it, hear it, closing in around you . . .
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,
in this darkness which you know you cannot fight -
the darkness of the music of the night . . .
Let your mind start a journey through a strange new world!
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before!
Let your soul take you where you long to be!
Only then can you belong to me . . .
Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!
Touch me, trust me savour each sensation!
Let the dream begin,
let your darker side give in
to the power of the music that I write -
the power of the music of the night . . .
You alone can make my song
take flight -help me make the music of the night . .
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old
The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine
Tell me that you'll open your eyes [x4]
Get up, get out, get away from these liars
'Cause they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time
Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine
Tell me that you'll open your eyes [x8]
All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I never promised you a ray of light
I never promised there’d be sunshine every day
I’ll give you everything I have
The good the bad
Why do you put me on a pedestal?
I’m so up high that I can’t see the ground below
So help me down you’ve got it wrong
I don’t belong there
One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn’t say so
You wouldn’t say so if you were me
And I, I just want to love you
Oh I, I just want to love you
I always said that I would make mistakes
I’m only human and that’s my saving grace
I’ll fall as hard as I try
So don’t be blinded
See me as I really am
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin
So pull me from that pedestal
I don’t belong there
One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn’t say so
You wouldn’t say so if you were me
And I, I just want to love you
Oh I, I just want to love you
Like to think that you know me
But in your eyes
I am something above me
That's only in your mind
Only in your mind
I wear a, I wear a, I wear a Halo
One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn’t say so
You wouldn’t say so if you were me
And I, I just want to love you
Oh I, I just want to love you
(I just wanna love you)
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Life on the Sea
standing near the water, at the oceans shore,
mysterious and beautiful, the waves are its call.
coming in to greet you, guiding you in,
it makes you feel the water, is the way to win.
the land is safe and stable, the land is your home,
the land has its beauties, and you can face it alone.
if i went into the water, slipped into the blue,
i know that i would never go, unless i was with you.
We'd swim through the currents, floats through the breeze,
we'd pass all our troubles, pass them with ease.
we'd hold eachothers hands, whilst we slept in the waves,
and when we hit a beach, we would live in the caves.
you would be my roomie, my bestfriend, my mate,
you would be my darling, my fiance, my way to celebrate.
when we could swim no longer, when our bodies were old and frail,
we'd hold eachothers hands and eyes and to heaven we would sail.
life could never stop u from what we wanted to do,
we'd make sure death wouldnt stop us, from what we wanted too.
you'd still be my roomie, my bestfriend and my mate,
you'd still be my darling, my partner and together we'd still celebrate.
celebrate that good times, the laughter that we'd shared,
celebrate the hand holds, the loving and the care.
i'll celebrate the life that you made special for me,
and so it will be a wavey life, that i will choose to lead.
by niah
mysterious and beautiful, the waves are its call.
coming in to greet you, guiding you in,
it makes you feel the water, is the way to win.
the land is safe and stable, the land is your home,
the land has its beauties, and you can face it alone.
if i went into the water, slipped into the blue,
i know that i would never go, unless i was with you.
We'd swim through the currents, floats through the breeze,
we'd pass all our troubles, pass them with ease.
we'd hold eachothers hands, whilst we slept in the waves,
and when we hit a beach, we would live in the caves.
you would be my roomie, my bestfriend, my mate,
you would be my darling, my fiance, my way to celebrate.
when we could swim no longer, when our bodies were old and frail,
we'd hold eachothers hands and eyes and to heaven we would sail.
life could never stop u from what we wanted to do,
we'd make sure death wouldnt stop us, from what we wanted too.
you'd still be my roomie, my bestfriend and my mate,
you'd still be my darling, my partner and together we'd still celebrate.
celebrate that good times, the laughter that we'd shared,
celebrate the hand holds, the loving and the care.
i'll celebrate the life that you made special for me,
and so it will be a wavey life, that i will choose to lead.
by niah
Friday, June 12, 2009
Flying Pigs
on my computer i have two copies of that picture.
one is named PigsMightFly
the other is named WhenPigsFly
small difference but in meaning its a massive difference
the first is saying that pigs might fly, that maybe, just maybe, pigs could join the birds and be free and not turn into ham. That maybe, just maybe, pigs can lead there own life and not get killed because they are 'a threat'. A threat to whom? a threat to selfish humans. oh god im so going to become a vegan.
the other states that it will happen, that pigs will lead their own lives, that pigs can fly away from the slaughter we have created for them. of course they still will get killed but hopefully farmers would freak out if their pig sprouted wings. and even thought this is an extremely boring post i wanted to share it with you.
Are you going to fly?
or Might you fly?
think about it
The Needing of Hugs
ok
i cant do this anymore
i know its only been like 3 hours
but im seriously not coping
my eyes are always teary
i almost cry if people say goodbye to me
i almost cry if people say ANYTHING to me
i almost cry if people dont say anything to me
and soon im going to cry if people look at me
its so weird
this whole time ive been thinking
'its going to be so bad in november when we have to give the house up for auction' and i had acccepted that. i accepted that in NOVEMEBER we would deal with it. Maybe october or september or even august, not early june. Not now. i need now. then i can deal with, now is sacred. if it was then, then i could get my head around it, if it was then, then i could find ways to deal with it. but right now i dont need that obstacle any bigger, especially not IN-MY-FACE HUGE!! ive always been sensitive, ive always been able to cover up my emotions, ive always been the rock and had rocks of my own. now im a feather and rocks cant help me when im flying away in the storm. haha thats a pretty good analogy. im a feather. who cares about a feather flying on the breeze, much less a gale forced wind, they might pick up a feather on the side walk, but never on a free way, never a feather thats muddy or runover or ugly or retarted looking, or a normal feather that falls into the background. from now on im going to pick up as many feathers as i can when im walking. Maybe not in the middle of a freeway but ill do my bit. Because i know how much it would mean if someone picked me off the ground, if someone too kthe time out for an ugly muddy feather that falls into the background, or a feather flying with the wind in a storm. a harmless feather forced into something they dont want to do because its harmless and nobody cares if it falls in the mud and is never discovered again. Nobody cares if it dies. but guess what everybody? birds would die without them! birds would get caught by there predators and couldnt live in trees and their babies would die, or get stepped on and be quite ugly. They would die, without me a bird would die. and i know that mum gets angry when i bring home dead birs in my lunchbox but they deserve a funeral. i would want a funeral if i was them. Because they are animals humans treat them like they are second best, I treat them like they are second best! how can i do that to them? how can WE do that to them? man i feel so bad. to all the birds of the world, to all the animals of the world, IM SO SORRY
i cant do this anymore
i know its only been like 3 hours
but im seriously not coping
my eyes are always teary
i almost cry if people say goodbye to me
i almost cry if people say ANYTHING to me
i almost cry if people dont say anything to me
and soon im going to cry if people look at me
its so weird
this whole time ive been thinking
'its going to be so bad in november when we have to give the house up for auction' and i had acccepted that. i accepted that in NOVEMEBER we would deal with it. Maybe october or september or even august, not early june. Not now. i need now. then i can deal with, now is sacred. if it was then, then i could get my head around it, if it was then, then i could find ways to deal with it. but right now i dont need that obstacle any bigger, especially not IN-MY-FACE HUGE!! ive always been sensitive, ive always been able to cover up my emotions, ive always been the rock and had rocks of my own. now im a feather and rocks cant help me when im flying away in the storm. haha thats a pretty good analogy. im a feather. who cares about a feather flying on the breeze, much less a gale forced wind, they might pick up a feather on the side walk, but never on a free way, never a feather thats muddy or runover or ugly or retarted looking, or a normal feather that falls into the background. from now on im going to pick up as many feathers as i can when im walking. Maybe not in the middle of a freeway but ill do my bit. Because i know how much it would mean if someone picked me off the ground, if someone too kthe time out for an ugly muddy feather that falls into the background, or a feather flying with the wind in a storm. a harmless feather forced into something they dont want to do because its harmless and nobody cares if it falls in the mud and is never discovered again. Nobody cares if it dies. but guess what everybody? birds would die without them! birds would get caught by there predators and couldnt live in trees and their babies would die, or get stepped on and be quite ugly. They would die, without me a bird would die. and i know that mum gets angry when i bring home dead birs in my lunchbox but they deserve a funeral. i would want a funeral if i was them. Because they are animals humans treat them like they are second best, I treat them like they are second best! how can i do that to them? how can WE do that to them? man i feel so bad. to all the birds of the world, to all the animals of the world, IM SO SORRY
The Guide to Hiding in the Dark
there is two sides to every story, yours and theres, right and wrong, true and false, good and bad. in the bible we learnt that god made everything in pairs. Good and evil, light and dark, sun and moon, sky and land. But today im going to discuss good and bad, the good and bad of higing in the dark to be precise. Ok so when im sad i like to be alone, i hide, thats just what i do. today i learnt that we sold our house to these people from school, so i hid. in my room under my blankets. darkness was my only company, and i was thinking, darkness has two sides, good and bad, see dark can let you reveil yourself, dark can be your only friend when your friends are the ones who are making everything bad, dark can comfort you when you cry, dark can let you imagine, imagine everythings ok, that things didnt happen, that people didnt say this or do that, that people actually care and that you are safe, dark can make you feel like the world is yours if you can just reach out to grab it... but dark can also make you feel even more alone than before, can make you feel a million times worse, can make you remember everything that happened and make you so revielled that you feel you arent hiding anymore, dark can eat away at you, remind you, isolate you, make you feel cold, so on and so forth.
so there we have it, i dont know where to hide anymore, i feel naked, if i hide in the dark i dont feel safe anymore and if i hide in the light then where is the comfort dark creates? so im in a pickle.
stuck here wondering what to do.
because i know in the next couple of months,
im going to need some place to hide.
and im hoping i can just hide in someones arms,
but the chances are pretty slim.
niah
so there we have it, i dont know where to hide anymore, i feel naked, if i hide in the dark i dont feel safe anymore and if i hide in the light then where is the comfort dark creates? so im in a pickle.
stuck here wondering what to do.
because i know in the next couple of months,
im going to need some place to hide.
and im hoping i can just hide in someones arms,
but the chances are pretty slim.
niah
Monday, June 8, 2009
canniblism
ok so i went on holiday to phillip island
had an awesome time
sure there was some disputes
some arguments
some brawls
some yelling
but also there was some laughter
some smiles
some playing
some mini golf
some chatting
and some bonding.
so overall it was a pretty cool weekend
CODY TURNED FOUR
my relation ship with bran turned 2 months
and my relationship with the book im reading ended
in other words i finished it
and my book im writting started to grow again
im really quite proud
its looking better than i imagined
apart from the fact i just killed off an unborn baby
which was mean
oh i forgot
my topic is canniblism if the spelling is wrong im sorry
but the eating of your own species
a human to a human usually
but this weekend it was
fish to a fish
fishy to fishy
MY fish to MY fish
bubbles to petunia
mother to daughter
ok they werent really related but they LIVED together!
you dont just kill your room mates
well I dont kill MY room mates
not that i have any room mates but i wouldnt KILL them!
my little baby
i hope you rest in peace my darling
ill see you in heaven if i get there
and bubbles will have to live with a guilty conscience
that hell on earth enough for me
we actually he'll have a guilty conscience x3
my fish is a cannible everybody
so beware
and be scared
cannible fish are on the loose
well not on the loose
but in my fish tank
in melbourne
haha
i hope that sounded like i meant it
which it most likely didnt
but such is life
nothing ever works out the way you want
and nothing ever sounds the way you mean it
and ill leave it there before i bore you
but thats this weeks quote of the week everbody
byeee
niah xx
had an awesome time
sure there was some disputes
some arguments
some brawls
some yelling
but also there was some laughter
some smiles
some playing
some mini golf
some chatting
and some bonding.
so overall it was a pretty cool weekend
CODY TURNED FOUR
my relation ship with bran turned 2 months
and my relationship with the book im reading ended
in other words i finished it
and my book im writting started to grow again
im really quite proud
its looking better than i imagined
apart from the fact i just killed off an unborn baby
which was mean
oh i forgot
my topic is canniblism if the spelling is wrong im sorry
but the eating of your own species
a human to a human usually
but this weekend it was
fish to a fish
fishy to fishy
MY fish to MY fish
bubbles to petunia
mother to daughter
ok they werent really related but they LIVED together!
you dont just kill your room mates
well I dont kill MY room mates
not that i have any room mates but i wouldnt KILL them!
my little baby
i hope you rest in peace my darling
ill see you in heaven if i get there
and bubbles will have to live with a guilty conscience
that hell on earth enough for me
we actually he'll have a guilty conscience x3
my fish is a cannible everybody
so beware
and be scared
cannible fish are on the loose
well not on the loose
but in my fish tank
in melbourne
haha
i hope that sounded like i meant it
which it most likely didnt
but such is life
nothing ever works out the way you want
and nothing ever sounds the way you mean it
and ill leave it there before i bore you
but thats this weeks quote of the week everbody
SUCH IS LIFE
byeee
niah xx
Sunday, May 31, 2009
friends
Toni
Jay
Brandon
Brad
Lexy
Dan
Jess
Lucy
Bridget
All the friends who have helped me through life.
Toni, who is probably the only reason im alive today, Jay, who showed me who i wanted to be and how i wanted to live (even if she didnt know it) Bran, who i want by my side always, Brad, who is a great umbrella, Lexy, who is my sister (or sister in law =P ) Dan, who was like a drug to me, Jess, who taught me how to opposite people can click, Lucy, who let me be a kid and Bridge, who still lets me be a kid. To all my beautiful friends and any who i've forgotten to include i love you guys.
Oh yeah and Fenchii who is just awesome.
I love you guys.
Jay
Brandon
Brad
Lexy
Dan
Jess
Lucy
Bridget
All the friends who have helped me through life.
Toni, who is probably the only reason im alive today, Jay, who showed me who i wanted to be and how i wanted to live (even if she didnt know it) Bran, who i want by my side always, Brad, who is a great umbrella, Lexy, who is my sister (or sister in law =P ) Dan, who was like a drug to me, Jess, who taught me how to opposite people can click, Lucy, who let me be a kid and Bridge, who still lets me be a kid. To all my beautiful friends and any who i've forgotten to include i love you guys.
Oh yeah and Fenchii who is just awesome.
I love you guys.
i am me
So yeah,
i am freaky,
i am emotional,
i am a wreck,
i am scary,
i am bitchy,
i am different
i am demented
i am lazy
i am chubby
i am unfit
but thats just me.
Thats just Niah O'Meara.
Thats just who i am, and who, quite frankly, i am proud to be because i can admit that, i can tell everyone in the world who i am and then i can leave them to decide if they want anything to do with me. Because if they miss out its their loss because even though i am all those things above i have friends, a boyfriend, a home (even if its only for a limited time) a freaking zoo at my house, food and water, clothing, bedding and most inportantly my family. And even if i totally drive my friends away (most likely) and break up with my boyfriend (hopefully not) and my zoo isnt a zoo anymore and i have nothing left, my family is stuck with me. For which i am glad. And i could sit here and go on about this and that but i wont. But i will tell you this, to every bad thing i said about myself, i bet (when im in a good mood) i could find a possitive about it. Which may sound up-myself but its not. I am Niah O'Meara and I AM ME
i am freaky,
i am emotional,
i am a wreck,
i am scary,
i am bitchy,
i am different
i am demented
i am lazy
i am chubby
i am unfit
but thats just me.
Thats just Niah O'Meara.
Thats just who i am, and who, quite frankly, i am proud to be because i can admit that, i can tell everyone in the world who i am and then i can leave them to decide if they want anything to do with me. Because if they miss out its their loss because even though i am all those things above i have friends, a boyfriend, a home (even if its only for a limited time) a freaking zoo at my house, food and water, clothing, bedding and most inportantly my family. And even if i totally drive my friends away (most likely) and break up with my boyfriend (hopefully not) and my zoo isnt a zoo anymore and i have nothing left, my family is stuck with me. For which i am glad. And i could sit here and go on about this and that but i wont. But i will tell you this, to every bad thing i said about myself, i bet (when im in a good mood) i could find a possitive about it. Which may sound up-myself but its not. I am Niah O'Meara and I AM ME
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
domino's continued..
so nan didnt make it to her party,
she didnt make it to Trav's 21st,
she didnt make it to Jay and Lisa's wedding,
at least she watched from above.
if thats even possible.
but the family was around more often,
so we painted her coffin,
like not in colours but like we got crap paint and all got brushes and permemnent markers and wrote messages for her to take with her, it was the best idea anyone ever had, it looked so colourful. so we played with that for a few days. unfortunately i had my graduation the day after she died (which was the 16th of december) and i had to actually say my lines to an audience. It would have been fine if Harry Glen didnt ask 'is that your grandma?' pointing to some random 2 minutes before i went on and me having to say 'no she died yesterday' and making everything awkward. But anyways i lived, im still living, and no matter what happens i know that ill live and if i die its no big deal. but on the funeral i dont think ive ever cried so much. EMBARRASSING! it was just me clutching mr. robert brown for an hour and listening to krystal sing this song from wicked called 'for good' here are the lyrics:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda):
Because I knew you
(Both):
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda):
And because I knew you...
(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...
(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...
and so me and mr. robert brown ran from the people that said they were there for me, ran from all the 'i know how you feel's whilst im thinking shit you must have had a pretty crappy life mate because if you have felt this then you must know how it feels to die inside, i feel sorry for youso whilst we ran to hide, we observed, saw how everyone acted and how my best friends were flirting with my cousins whilst at a funeral. and thinking how could you? its my nans funeral and your flirting with my cousins instead of being there for me even though i was running i wanted people to be there without talking. So i went the the reception, celebration of life thing, it was pretty fun exept for when we had a song dedicated to my auntie teresa come on (amazing grace with bag pipes i think) and teresa screaming and crying whilst krystal was holding her and then krystal couldnt do it any more so tim took over i think and then realising i left mr. robert brown next to the dance floor and had to go past teresa to get him. I think the worst part of the whole day was in between the reception and the funeral when we went back to my house and we sat as a family and then kathleen or teresa brought out the tape nan had got from teresa and she had left a message called 'party wishes' it was the first time ive seen my cousin nathan cry, and hopefully the last, i was the forst one to cry and then nathan started crying and after that i couldnt see, seeing other people cry is seriously the thing that triggers tears more than anything else to me. After that was christmas, we were going to do a tribute to nan but everyone was having too much fun and making everyone sad was a bad idea so we skipped and played kareoke. LOL funny as. damn jake for being so good. After about a month Alice died and that was a major turning point for me, the point where i knew something was wrong, that i wasnt the same. i had never been able to cry for hours on end before, never had a needed to and never do i want to need to again, the service was nice, her husband came but he has dementia and cant remember her, Alice had the same funeral song as nan so most of my family was crying. well mainly all the kids. have you noticed parents can deal with so much more? i dont know if thats just from experience or if its self controll but i cant wait to be able to do that. To find that control, have that experience to hold things in. Of course i can hold things in but eventually i burst, and thats not always a pretty sight.
if you want to check out some photos of my family and hear nans party wishes or anything just go to http://rattyblogger.blogspot.com/ and youll get what you want
and just to clear things up mr. robert brown is a puppet which nan used to pretend was her boyfriend because her husband died. He still sleeps with me now.
niah
she didnt make it to Trav's 21st,
she didnt make it to Jay and Lisa's wedding,
at least she watched from above.
if thats even possible.
but the family was around more often,
so we painted her coffin,
like not in colours but like we got crap paint and all got brushes and permemnent markers and wrote messages for her to take with her, it was the best idea anyone ever had, it looked so colourful. so we played with that for a few days. unfortunately i had my graduation the day after she died (which was the 16th of december) and i had to actually say my lines to an audience. It would have been fine if Harry Glen didnt ask 'is that your grandma?' pointing to some random 2 minutes before i went on and me having to say 'no she died yesterday' and making everything awkward. But anyways i lived, im still living, and no matter what happens i know that ill live and if i die its no big deal. but on the funeral i dont think ive ever cried so much. EMBARRASSING! it was just me clutching mr. robert brown for an hour and listening to krystal sing this song from wicked called 'for good' here are the lyrics:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda):
Because I knew you
(Both):
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda):
And because I knew you...
(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...
(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...
and so me and mr. robert brown ran from the people that said they were there for me, ran from all the 'i know how you feel's whilst im thinking shit you must have had a pretty crappy life mate because if you have felt this then you must know how it feels to die inside, i feel sorry for youso whilst we ran to hide, we observed, saw how everyone acted and how my best friends were flirting with my cousins whilst at a funeral. and thinking how could you? its my nans funeral and your flirting with my cousins instead of being there for me even though i was running i wanted people to be there without talking. So i went the the reception, celebration of life thing, it was pretty fun exept for when we had a song dedicated to my auntie teresa come on (amazing grace with bag pipes i think) and teresa screaming and crying whilst krystal was holding her and then krystal couldnt do it any more so tim took over i think and then realising i left mr. robert brown next to the dance floor and had to go past teresa to get him. I think the worst part of the whole day was in between the reception and the funeral when we went back to my house and we sat as a family and then kathleen or teresa brought out the tape nan had got from teresa and she had left a message called 'party wishes' it was the first time ive seen my cousin nathan cry, and hopefully the last, i was the forst one to cry and then nathan started crying and after that i couldnt see, seeing other people cry is seriously the thing that triggers tears more than anything else to me. After that was christmas, we were going to do a tribute to nan but everyone was having too much fun and making everyone sad was a bad idea so we skipped and played kareoke. LOL funny as. damn jake for being so good. After about a month Alice died and that was a major turning point for me, the point where i knew something was wrong, that i wasnt the same. i had never been able to cry for hours on end before, never had a needed to and never do i want to need to again, the service was nice, her husband came but he has dementia and cant remember her, Alice had the same funeral song as nan so most of my family was crying. well mainly all the kids. have you noticed parents can deal with so much more? i dont know if thats just from experience or if its self controll but i cant wait to be able to do that. To find that control, have that experience to hold things in. Of course i can hold things in but eventually i burst, and thats not always a pretty sight.
if you want to check out some photos of my family and hear nans party wishes or anything just go to http://rattyblogger.blogspot.com/ and youll get what you want
and just to clear things up mr. robert brown is a puppet which nan used to pretend was her boyfriend because her husband died. He still sleeps with me now.
niah
Friday, May 22, 2009
domino's
Hey
Its niah as usual
And I’m here to explain the reason to me being the freak I am
Btw I was asked to do this I don’t just go around sharing my sob story
Well it was in May 2007,
Just after mother’s day
and I went to Koonung to watch Tahni play basketball and afterwards when we got in the car mum started driving the opposite way to go home so us kids were like "whats happening?" and she said that nan had had 'a fall' and that we needed to go to the hospital to see her. So naturally we were crying and stuff because we were scared. When we got there Nan was in one of those white beds in the hall way and she looked really sick. Then the lady came and in the hall way started taking blood for a blood test. Nan hated needles so she wasn’t very happy about that and Tay went white and mum had to take her outside. and then they wheeled her into a little room and we had to sit there whilst she got asked questions like 'are you experiencing any dizziness now?' and she told her story a million times 'I was at the door talking to mrs. Davies and everything went black but she said that I clutched my heart and fell to the ground but she couldn’t help her because she has Parkinson’s disease so she called for help.' the doctors didn’t know what it was so they just sent her home and then it was Isabelle Andersons bowling party. I had the choice to go and so I did but on the day no one else was home to look after Nan but I went anyways. Michelle Yips mum was going to take me home. Catherine was told to let me call my mum, so I did and she said that I had to go home to my family friends because my Nan has had a stroke. I remember that feeling when she told me, trying not to cry but needing to and feeling like all these walls falling down inside of me but knowing that nothing could stop it and Michelle Yip was such a good friend at the time. So Nan was like getting worse and so we had one of my aunties/uncles come over and have a day every week to look after her. That was good for me because I saw them every week. But there were so many down sides that the happy didn’t balance out everything. Nan stayed in hospital to have tests run, they had her staying in the stroke ward because that’s what they thought she had. They did scans and test and realised it was a brain tumor. Nan couldn’t get the right words out of her mouth. I remember her saying ‘I had an MRI this morning’ and we were like “oh my goodness why didn’t you tell us?!” and she didn’t know what all the fuss was about because she thought she said “I had a shower this morning”. Small things like that that made everything more scary. She was a perfectly healthy, active grandma one day and a month later she basically lives on her chair that moves up and down it was the coolest chair in the world. Her medication was unbelievable, Pills, chemotherapy and radio therapy. The Pills were soooo confusing, she had a cool little day by day box, morning, lunch and night every day had something in it.
They decided to try and get some out, like a sample. First they shaved part of her head but the man shaved all these random clumps made her hair looked weird as, but they did well and they got like 8 cells out. Doesn’t seem like much but it made such a difference. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, the meds were doing their job but then nan went to my auntie Bern’s for a night or two whilst I was at a camp. She was gardening out the front. (They have a massive hill so the driveway is so steep and hard to get up.) She bent over to get a weed and toppled down the hill, she got stopped by a huge log but she had bashed her head and she had more purple than skin colour on her. The ambulance was called and she was taken in. When I was coming home from my camp, driven by Nathan Pincus’s mum, when I got out of the car mum warned me that Nan had had a fall whilst I was gone and seeing her that was such a shock. She looked in so much pain and that was more drugs to add to her list.
After that her hair was getting shorter and thinner and so she decided to buy a wig. The wig looked pretty real actually. If we ever had a cold we weren’t allowed to go near her because her immune system couldn’t deal with anything, not even a simple cold. Everyday we would coat her in sorbelene cream because her skin dried out so fast and we had to change her shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, hand soap and any other skin thing to all natural brands or else she would get rashes. Brodie and Owen’s wedding was coming up, so Nan was determined to get to that. I know it meant so much to Brodie as did Nan. The day was so nice because we were all a family, the men watching the car racing and the women outside eating cheese and crackers. The kids scattered everywhere. Nan even went to the reception and danced the night away. She could finally kick up her feet. Nan had made a date to have a party and invite all the family and all her friends to. It was to be in March after Travis’s 21st and after Jay and Lisa’s wedding. She didn’t want to steal the spot light from anyone. Nan had received a voice recorder from Teresa so she didn’t forget things. Smart idea. We had a fairly normal time in October and early November, I saw Nan get her radio therapy, holding back tears as she was laid on a bed with this scary mask on and lasers were put through her head, I need to be strong for her, to be strong with her. If she could do it so could I. but in late November she started to have a cough. She felt too lousy to get up and mum decided to get it checked out. Turned out a normal cold had turned into pneumonia and she was hospitalised and put on a drip and everything. I brought in Mr. Robert Brown to stay with her but she sent him home so he “didn’t get lost”. That was when I knew things were not ok, not fine and dandy like mum said, something was really wrong and nan didn’t think she was going to pull through and who would know better than nan herself? No one. Ellie my cousin was staying with us and she was sleeping in my room so we got to talk a lot. We got so much closer in those few weeks, she as the only other person I knew that was going through the same thing and actually WANTED to talk about it with me, iron out the parts I didn’t understand and let me rant about how I felt and swear and watch me scream into a pillow and do it with me sometimes too. We were like sisters. One Friday I went to the swimming pool for an excursion and as we were playing some games on a basketball court I felt really sick, like stomach and headache and mr. sandy called my house for someone to come and get me and Ellie and my uncle Tim came. I almost died of humiliation, Tim was wearing some old pants and no shoes and he looked like he just got out of bed and hadn’t had a shower for days, which was probably true but still. Even my teacher laughed. I felt sorry for him though because his mummy was in hospital and I made him worry. So we went home and I felt instantly better, it was really weird, everyone thought I was faking but I actually did feel like shit and miraculously I felt better at home straight away. And then I realised it was a sign from God; we got a call telling us to pick up the girls from school because Nan only had a top of 48 hours to live. So of course no one was happy, we picked up the girls and went into the hospital. For once in her life Nan looked like one of those frail old grandmas’s. Not the active young looking grandma she was only 8 months or so ago. She had a mask on and like a million tubes in her arm and she couldn’t even talk properly, when she did it was a soft, hoarse, whisper, one that every once of energy was going into hearing. And in her hand was this strength, all her life was holding onto in her hands, the hands that I had held my whole life. So here I am trying to stop the tears flowing for just 10 seconds so I can tell her how I feel and failing when I have to leave and I walk out of the room only to return 15 minutes later and this time I don’t cry, I hold her hand and I tell her that it will all be ok and that I love her and she’ll pull through and everything will be fine but knowing that everything will not be ok and the doctors don’t think she will pull through and that me loving her cant help anything in this situation and the one thing that haunts me to this very day is when I walked out and I turned my back on her, and I never saw her again, I turned my back on my last chance at seeing my Nan, and over the two days that she was alive I wasn’t allowed to see her again and every time my mum called home I made her tell nan that I loved her and it made mum cry every time I asked. And then I was in my room with Ellie when my aunt Kathleen came in saying “I just need to see my boys’ and my dad coming in and asking us to go outside and being hugged by my cousin Krystal and my daddy and crying harder because the arms I was in were not the arms that I longed for more than anything, the arms that no longer existed because nan wasn’t in them anymore.
So that is my story
That is why I am the way I am today
Its niah as usual
And I’m here to explain the reason to me being the freak I am
Btw I was asked to do this I don’t just go around sharing my sob story
Well it was in May 2007,
Just after mother’s day
and I went to Koonung to watch Tahni play basketball and afterwards when we got in the car mum started driving the opposite way to go home so us kids were like "whats happening?" and she said that nan had had 'a fall' and that we needed to go to the hospital to see her. So naturally we were crying and stuff because we were scared. When we got there Nan was in one of those white beds in the hall way and she looked really sick. Then the lady came and in the hall way started taking blood for a blood test. Nan hated needles so she wasn’t very happy about that and Tay went white and mum had to take her outside. and then they wheeled her into a little room and we had to sit there whilst she got asked questions like 'are you experiencing any dizziness now?' and she told her story a million times 'I was at the door talking to mrs. Davies and everything went black but she said that I clutched my heart and fell to the ground but she couldn’t help her because she has Parkinson’s disease so she called for help.' the doctors didn’t know what it was so they just sent her home and then it was Isabelle Andersons bowling party. I had the choice to go and so I did but on the day no one else was home to look after Nan but I went anyways. Michelle Yips mum was going to take me home. Catherine was told to let me call my mum, so I did and she said that I had to go home to my family friends because my Nan has had a stroke. I remember that feeling when she told me, trying not to cry but needing to and feeling like all these walls falling down inside of me but knowing that nothing could stop it and Michelle Yip was such a good friend at the time. So Nan was like getting worse and so we had one of my aunties/uncles come over and have a day every week to look after her. That was good for me because I saw them every week. But there were so many down sides that the happy didn’t balance out everything. Nan stayed in hospital to have tests run, they had her staying in the stroke ward because that’s what they thought she had. They did scans and test and realised it was a brain tumor. Nan couldn’t get the right words out of her mouth. I remember her saying ‘I had an MRI this morning’ and we were like “oh my goodness why didn’t you tell us?!” and she didn’t know what all the fuss was about because she thought she said “I had a shower this morning”. Small things like that that made everything more scary. She was a perfectly healthy, active grandma one day and a month later she basically lives on her chair that moves up and down it was the coolest chair in the world. Her medication was unbelievable, Pills, chemotherapy and radio therapy. The Pills were soooo confusing, she had a cool little day by day box, morning, lunch and night every day had something in it.
They decided to try and get some out, like a sample. First they shaved part of her head but the man shaved all these random clumps made her hair looked weird as, but they did well and they got like 8 cells out. Doesn’t seem like much but it made such a difference. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, the meds were doing their job but then nan went to my auntie Bern’s for a night or two whilst I was at a camp. She was gardening out the front. (They have a massive hill so the driveway is so steep and hard to get up.) She bent over to get a weed and toppled down the hill, she got stopped by a huge log but she had bashed her head and she had more purple than skin colour on her. The ambulance was called and she was taken in. When I was coming home from my camp, driven by Nathan Pincus’s mum, when I got out of the car mum warned me that Nan had had a fall whilst I was gone and seeing her that was such a shock. She looked in so much pain and that was more drugs to add to her list.
After that her hair was getting shorter and thinner and so she decided to buy a wig. The wig looked pretty real actually. If we ever had a cold we weren’t allowed to go near her because her immune system couldn’t deal with anything, not even a simple cold. Everyday we would coat her in sorbelene cream because her skin dried out so fast and we had to change her shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, hand soap and any other skin thing to all natural brands or else she would get rashes. Brodie and Owen’s wedding was coming up, so Nan was determined to get to that. I know it meant so much to Brodie as did Nan. The day was so nice because we were all a family, the men watching the car racing and the women outside eating cheese and crackers. The kids scattered everywhere. Nan even went to the reception and danced the night away. She could finally kick up her feet. Nan had made a date to have a party and invite all the family and all her friends to. It was to be in March after Travis’s 21st and after Jay and Lisa’s wedding. She didn’t want to steal the spot light from anyone. Nan had received a voice recorder from Teresa so she didn’t forget things. Smart idea. We had a fairly normal time in October and early November, I saw Nan get her radio therapy, holding back tears as she was laid on a bed with this scary mask on and lasers were put through her head, I need to be strong for her, to be strong with her. If she could do it so could I. but in late November she started to have a cough. She felt too lousy to get up and mum decided to get it checked out. Turned out a normal cold had turned into pneumonia and she was hospitalised and put on a drip and everything. I brought in Mr. Robert Brown to stay with her but she sent him home so he “didn’t get lost”. That was when I knew things were not ok, not fine and dandy like mum said, something was really wrong and nan didn’t think she was going to pull through and who would know better than nan herself? No one. Ellie my cousin was staying with us and she was sleeping in my room so we got to talk a lot. We got so much closer in those few weeks, she as the only other person I knew that was going through the same thing and actually WANTED to talk about it with me, iron out the parts I didn’t understand and let me rant about how I felt and swear and watch me scream into a pillow and do it with me sometimes too. We were like sisters. One Friday I went to the swimming pool for an excursion and as we were playing some games on a basketball court I felt really sick, like stomach and headache and mr. sandy called my house for someone to come and get me and Ellie and my uncle Tim came. I almost died of humiliation, Tim was wearing some old pants and no shoes and he looked like he just got out of bed and hadn’t had a shower for days, which was probably true but still. Even my teacher laughed. I felt sorry for him though because his mummy was in hospital and I made him worry. So we went home and I felt instantly better, it was really weird, everyone thought I was faking but I actually did feel like shit and miraculously I felt better at home straight away. And then I realised it was a sign from God; we got a call telling us to pick up the girls from school because Nan only had a top of 48 hours to live. So of course no one was happy, we picked up the girls and went into the hospital. For once in her life Nan looked like one of those frail old grandmas’s. Not the active young looking grandma she was only 8 months or so ago. She had a mask on and like a million tubes in her arm and she couldn’t even talk properly, when she did it was a soft, hoarse, whisper, one that every once of energy was going into hearing. And in her hand was this strength, all her life was holding onto in her hands, the hands that I had held my whole life. So here I am trying to stop the tears flowing for just 10 seconds so I can tell her how I feel and failing when I have to leave and I walk out of the room only to return 15 minutes later and this time I don’t cry, I hold her hand and I tell her that it will all be ok and that I love her and she’ll pull through and everything will be fine but knowing that everything will not be ok and the doctors don’t think she will pull through and that me loving her cant help anything in this situation and the one thing that haunts me to this very day is when I walked out and I turned my back on her, and I never saw her again, I turned my back on my last chance at seeing my Nan, and over the two days that she was alive I wasn’t allowed to see her again and every time my mum called home I made her tell nan that I loved her and it made mum cry every time I asked. And then I was in my room with Ellie when my aunt Kathleen came in saying “I just need to see my boys’ and my dad coming in and asking us to go outside and being hugged by my cousin Krystal and my daddy and crying harder because the arms I was in were not the arms that I longed for more than anything, the arms that no longer existed because nan wasn’t in them anymore.
So that is my story
That is why I am the way I am today
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