Toni
Jay
Brandon
Brad
Lexy
Dan
Jess
Lucy
Bridget
All the friends who have helped me through life.
Toni, who is probably the only reason im alive today, Jay, who showed me who i wanted to be and how i wanted to live (even if she didnt know it) Bran, who i want by my side always, Brad, who is a great umbrella, Lexy, who is my sister (or sister in law =P ) Dan, who was like a drug to me, Jess, who taught me how to opposite people can click, Lucy, who let me be a kid and Bridge, who still lets me be a kid. To all my beautiful friends and any who i've forgotten to include i love you guys.
Oh yeah and Fenchii who is just awesome.
I love you guys.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
i am me
So yeah,
i am freaky,
i am emotional,
i am a wreck,
i am scary,
i am bitchy,
i am different
i am demented
i am lazy
i am chubby
i am unfit
but thats just me.
Thats just Niah O'Meara.
Thats just who i am, and who, quite frankly, i am proud to be because i can admit that, i can tell everyone in the world who i am and then i can leave them to decide if they want anything to do with me. Because if they miss out its their loss because even though i am all those things above i have friends, a boyfriend, a home (even if its only for a limited time) a freaking zoo at my house, food and water, clothing, bedding and most inportantly my family. And even if i totally drive my friends away (most likely) and break up with my boyfriend (hopefully not) and my zoo isnt a zoo anymore and i have nothing left, my family is stuck with me. For which i am glad. And i could sit here and go on about this and that but i wont. But i will tell you this, to every bad thing i said about myself, i bet (when im in a good mood) i could find a possitive about it. Which may sound up-myself but its not. I am Niah O'Meara and I AM ME
i am freaky,
i am emotional,
i am a wreck,
i am scary,
i am bitchy,
i am different
i am demented
i am lazy
i am chubby
i am unfit
but thats just me.
Thats just Niah O'Meara.
Thats just who i am, and who, quite frankly, i am proud to be because i can admit that, i can tell everyone in the world who i am and then i can leave them to decide if they want anything to do with me. Because if they miss out its their loss because even though i am all those things above i have friends, a boyfriend, a home (even if its only for a limited time) a freaking zoo at my house, food and water, clothing, bedding and most inportantly my family. And even if i totally drive my friends away (most likely) and break up with my boyfriend (hopefully not) and my zoo isnt a zoo anymore and i have nothing left, my family is stuck with me. For which i am glad. And i could sit here and go on about this and that but i wont. But i will tell you this, to every bad thing i said about myself, i bet (when im in a good mood) i could find a possitive about it. Which may sound up-myself but its not. I am Niah O'Meara and I AM ME
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
domino's continued..
so nan didnt make it to her party,
she didnt make it to Trav's 21st,
she didnt make it to Jay and Lisa's wedding,
at least she watched from above.
if thats even possible.
but the family was around more often,
so we painted her coffin,
like not in colours but like we got crap paint and all got brushes and permemnent markers and wrote messages for her to take with her, it was the best idea anyone ever had, it looked so colourful. so we played with that for a few days. unfortunately i had my graduation the day after she died (which was the 16th of december) and i had to actually say my lines to an audience. It would have been fine if Harry Glen didnt ask 'is that your grandma?' pointing to some random 2 minutes before i went on and me having to say 'no she died yesterday' and making everything awkward. But anyways i lived, im still living, and no matter what happens i know that ill live and if i die its no big deal. but on the funeral i dont think ive ever cried so much. EMBARRASSING! it was just me clutching mr. robert brown for an hour and listening to krystal sing this song from wicked called 'for good' here are the lyrics:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda):
Because I knew you
(Both):
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda):
And because I knew you...
(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...
(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...
and so me and mr. robert brown ran from the people that said they were there for me, ran from all the 'i know how you feel's whilst im thinking shit you must have had a pretty crappy life mate because if you have felt this then you must know how it feels to die inside, i feel sorry for youso whilst we ran to hide, we observed, saw how everyone acted and how my best friends were flirting with my cousins whilst at a funeral. and thinking how could you? its my nans funeral and your flirting with my cousins instead of being there for me even though i was running i wanted people to be there without talking. So i went the the reception, celebration of life thing, it was pretty fun exept for when we had a song dedicated to my auntie teresa come on (amazing grace with bag pipes i think) and teresa screaming and crying whilst krystal was holding her and then krystal couldnt do it any more so tim took over i think and then realising i left mr. robert brown next to the dance floor and had to go past teresa to get him. I think the worst part of the whole day was in between the reception and the funeral when we went back to my house and we sat as a family and then kathleen or teresa brought out the tape nan had got from teresa and she had left a message called 'party wishes' it was the first time ive seen my cousin nathan cry, and hopefully the last, i was the forst one to cry and then nathan started crying and after that i couldnt see, seeing other people cry is seriously the thing that triggers tears more than anything else to me. After that was christmas, we were going to do a tribute to nan but everyone was having too much fun and making everyone sad was a bad idea so we skipped and played kareoke. LOL funny as. damn jake for being so good. After about a month Alice died and that was a major turning point for me, the point where i knew something was wrong, that i wasnt the same. i had never been able to cry for hours on end before, never had a needed to and never do i want to need to again, the service was nice, her husband came but he has dementia and cant remember her, Alice had the same funeral song as nan so most of my family was crying. well mainly all the kids. have you noticed parents can deal with so much more? i dont know if thats just from experience or if its self controll but i cant wait to be able to do that. To find that control, have that experience to hold things in. Of course i can hold things in but eventually i burst, and thats not always a pretty sight.
if you want to check out some photos of my family and hear nans party wishes or anything just go to http://rattyblogger.blogspot.com/ and youll get what you want
and just to clear things up mr. robert brown is a puppet which nan used to pretend was her boyfriend because her husband died. He still sleeps with me now.
niah
she didnt make it to Trav's 21st,
she didnt make it to Jay and Lisa's wedding,
at least she watched from above.
if thats even possible.
but the family was around more often,
so we painted her coffin,
like not in colours but like we got crap paint and all got brushes and permemnent markers and wrote messages for her to take with her, it was the best idea anyone ever had, it looked so colourful. so we played with that for a few days. unfortunately i had my graduation the day after she died (which was the 16th of december) and i had to actually say my lines to an audience. It would have been fine if Harry Glen didnt ask 'is that your grandma?' pointing to some random 2 minutes before i went on and me having to say 'no she died yesterday' and making everything awkward. But anyways i lived, im still living, and no matter what happens i know that ill live and if i die its no big deal. but on the funeral i dont think ive ever cried so much. EMBARRASSING! it was just me clutching mr. robert brown for an hour and listening to krystal sing this song from wicked called 'for good' here are the lyrics:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda):
Because I knew you
(Both):
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda):
And because I knew you...
(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...
(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...
and so me and mr. robert brown ran from the people that said they were there for me, ran from all the 'i know how you feel's whilst im thinking shit you must have had a pretty crappy life mate because if you have felt this then you must know how it feels to die inside, i feel sorry for youso whilst we ran to hide, we observed, saw how everyone acted and how my best friends were flirting with my cousins whilst at a funeral. and thinking how could you? its my nans funeral and your flirting with my cousins instead of being there for me even though i was running i wanted people to be there without talking. So i went the the reception, celebration of life thing, it was pretty fun exept for when we had a song dedicated to my auntie teresa come on (amazing grace with bag pipes i think) and teresa screaming and crying whilst krystal was holding her and then krystal couldnt do it any more so tim took over i think and then realising i left mr. robert brown next to the dance floor and had to go past teresa to get him. I think the worst part of the whole day was in between the reception and the funeral when we went back to my house and we sat as a family and then kathleen or teresa brought out the tape nan had got from teresa and she had left a message called 'party wishes' it was the first time ive seen my cousin nathan cry, and hopefully the last, i was the forst one to cry and then nathan started crying and after that i couldnt see, seeing other people cry is seriously the thing that triggers tears more than anything else to me. After that was christmas, we were going to do a tribute to nan but everyone was having too much fun and making everyone sad was a bad idea so we skipped and played kareoke. LOL funny as. damn jake for being so good. After about a month Alice died and that was a major turning point for me, the point where i knew something was wrong, that i wasnt the same. i had never been able to cry for hours on end before, never had a needed to and never do i want to need to again, the service was nice, her husband came but he has dementia and cant remember her, Alice had the same funeral song as nan so most of my family was crying. well mainly all the kids. have you noticed parents can deal with so much more? i dont know if thats just from experience or if its self controll but i cant wait to be able to do that. To find that control, have that experience to hold things in. Of course i can hold things in but eventually i burst, and thats not always a pretty sight.
if you want to check out some photos of my family and hear nans party wishes or anything just go to http://rattyblogger.blogspot.com/ and youll get what you want
and just to clear things up mr. robert brown is a puppet which nan used to pretend was her boyfriend because her husband died. He still sleeps with me now.
niah
Friday, May 22, 2009
domino's
Hey
Its niah as usual
And I’m here to explain the reason to me being the freak I am
Btw I was asked to do this I don’t just go around sharing my sob story
Well it was in May 2007,
Just after mother’s day
and I went to Koonung to watch Tahni play basketball and afterwards when we got in the car mum started driving the opposite way to go home so us kids were like "whats happening?" and she said that nan had had 'a fall' and that we needed to go to the hospital to see her. So naturally we were crying and stuff because we were scared. When we got there Nan was in one of those white beds in the hall way and she looked really sick. Then the lady came and in the hall way started taking blood for a blood test. Nan hated needles so she wasn’t very happy about that and Tay went white and mum had to take her outside. and then they wheeled her into a little room and we had to sit there whilst she got asked questions like 'are you experiencing any dizziness now?' and she told her story a million times 'I was at the door talking to mrs. Davies and everything went black but she said that I clutched my heart and fell to the ground but she couldn’t help her because she has Parkinson’s disease so she called for help.' the doctors didn’t know what it was so they just sent her home and then it was Isabelle Andersons bowling party. I had the choice to go and so I did but on the day no one else was home to look after Nan but I went anyways. Michelle Yips mum was going to take me home. Catherine was told to let me call my mum, so I did and she said that I had to go home to my family friends because my Nan has had a stroke. I remember that feeling when she told me, trying not to cry but needing to and feeling like all these walls falling down inside of me but knowing that nothing could stop it and Michelle Yip was such a good friend at the time. So Nan was like getting worse and so we had one of my aunties/uncles come over and have a day every week to look after her. That was good for me because I saw them every week. But there were so many down sides that the happy didn’t balance out everything. Nan stayed in hospital to have tests run, they had her staying in the stroke ward because that’s what they thought she had. They did scans and test and realised it was a brain tumor. Nan couldn’t get the right words out of her mouth. I remember her saying ‘I had an MRI this morning’ and we were like “oh my goodness why didn’t you tell us?!” and she didn’t know what all the fuss was about because she thought she said “I had a shower this morning”. Small things like that that made everything more scary. She was a perfectly healthy, active grandma one day and a month later she basically lives on her chair that moves up and down it was the coolest chair in the world. Her medication was unbelievable, Pills, chemotherapy and radio therapy. The Pills were soooo confusing, she had a cool little day by day box, morning, lunch and night every day had something in it.
They decided to try and get some out, like a sample. First they shaved part of her head but the man shaved all these random clumps made her hair looked weird as, but they did well and they got like 8 cells out. Doesn’t seem like much but it made such a difference. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, the meds were doing their job but then nan went to my auntie Bern’s for a night or two whilst I was at a camp. She was gardening out the front. (They have a massive hill so the driveway is so steep and hard to get up.) She bent over to get a weed and toppled down the hill, she got stopped by a huge log but she had bashed her head and she had more purple than skin colour on her. The ambulance was called and she was taken in. When I was coming home from my camp, driven by Nathan Pincus’s mum, when I got out of the car mum warned me that Nan had had a fall whilst I was gone and seeing her that was such a shock. She looked in so much pain and that was more drugs to add to her list.
After that her hair was getting shorter and thinner and so she decided to buy a wig. The wig looked pretty real actually. If we ever had a cold we weren’t allowed to go near her because her immune system couldn’t deal with anything, not even a simple cold. Everyday we would coat her in sorbelene cream because her skin dried out so fast and we had to change her shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, hand soap and any other skin thing to all natural brands or else she would get rashes. Brodie and Owen’s wedding was coming up, so Nan was determined to get to that. I know it meant so much to Brodie as did Nan. The day was so nice because we were all a family, the men watching the car racing and the women outside eating cheese and crackers. The kids scattered everywhere. Nan even went to the reception and danced the night away. She could finally kick up her feet. Nan had made a date to have a party and invite all the family and all her friends to. It was to be in March after Travis’s 21st and after Jay and Lisa’s wedding. She didn’t want to steal the spot light from anyone. Nan had received a voice recorder from Teresa so she didn’t forget things. Smart idea. We had a fairly normal time in October and early November, I saw Nan get her radio therapy, holding back tears as she was laid on a bed with this scary mask on and lasers were put through her head, I need to be strong for her, to be strong with her. If she could do it so could I. but in late November she started to have a cough. She felt too lousy to get up and mum decided to get it checked out. Turned out a normal cold had turned into pneumonia and she was hospitalised and put on a drip and everything. I brought in Mr. Robert Brown to stay with her but she sent him home so he “didn’t get lost”. That was when I knew things were not ok, not fine and dandy like mum said, something was really wrong and nan didn’t think she was going to pull through and who would know better than nan herself? No one. Ellie my cousin was staying with us and she was sleeping in my room so we got to talk a lot. We got so much closer in those few weeks, she as the only other person I knew that was going through the same thing and actually WANTED to talk about it with me, iron out the parts I didn’t understand and let me rant about how I felt and swear and watch me scream into a pillow and do it with me sometimes too. We were like sisters. One Friday I went to the swimming pool for an excursion and as we were playing some games on a basketball court I felt really sick, like stomach and headache and mr. sandy called my house for someone to come and get me and Ellie and my uncle Tim came. I almost died of humiliation, Tim was wearing some old pants and no shoes and he looked like he just got out of bed and hadn’t had a shower for days, which was probably true but still. Even my teacher laughed. I felt sorry for him though because his mummy was in hospital and I made him worry. So we went home and I felt instantly better, it was really weird, everyone thought I was faking but I actually did feel like shit and miraculously I felt better at home straight away. And then I realised it was a sign from God; we got a call telling us to pick up the girls from school because Nan only had a top of 48 hours to live. So of course no one was happy, we picked up the girls and went into the hospital. For once in her life Nan looked like one of those frail old grandmas’s. Not the active young looking grandma she was only 8 months or so ago. She had a mask on and like a million tubes in her arm and she couldn’t even talk properly, when she did it was a soft, hoarse, whisper, one that every once of energy was going into hearing. And in her hand was this strength, all her life was holding onto in her hands, the hands that I had held my whole life. So here I am trying to stop the tears flowing for just 10 seconds so I can tell her how I feel and failing when I have to leave and I walk out of the room only to return 15 minutes later and this time I don’t cry, I hold her hand and I tell her that it will all be ok and that I love her and she’ll pull through and everything will be fine but knowing that everything will not be ok and the doctors don’t think she will pull through and that me loving her cant help anything in this situation and the one thing that haunts me to this very day is when I walked out and I turned my back on her, and I never saw her again, I turned my back on my last chance at seeing my Nan, and over the two days that she was alive I wasn’t allowed to see her again and every time my mum called home I made her tell nan that I loved her and it made mum cry every time I asked. And then I was in my room with Ellie when my aunt Kathleen came in saying “I just need to see my boys’ and my dad coming in and asking us to go outside and being hugged by my cousin Krystal and my daddy and crying harder because the arms I was in were not the arms that I longed for more than anything, the arms that no longer existed because nan wasn’t in them anymore.
So that is my story
That is why I am the way I am today
Its niah as usual
And I’m here to explain the reason to me being the freak I am
Btw I was asked to do this I don’t just go around sharing my sob story
Well it was in May 2007,
Just after mother’s day
and I went to Koonung to watch Tahni play basketball and afterwards when we got in the car mum started driving the opposite way to go home so us kids were like "whats happening?" and she said that nan had had 'a fall' and that we needed to go to the hospital to see her. So naturally we were crying and stuff because we were scared. When we got there Nan was in one of those white beds in the hall way and she looked really sick. Then the lady came and in the hall way started taking blood for a blood test. Nan hated needles so she wasn’t very happy about that and Tay went white and mum had to take her outside. and then they wheeled her into a little room and we had to sit there whilst she got asked questions like 'are you experiencing any dizziness now?' and she told her story a million times 'I was at the door talking to mrs. Davies and everything went black but she said that I clutched my heart and fell to the ground but she couldn’t help her because she has Parkinson’s disease so she called for help.' the doctors didn’t know what it was so they just sent her home and then it was Isabelle Andersons bowling party. I had the choice to go and so I did but on the day no one else was home to look after Nan but I went anyways. Michelle Yips mum was going to take me home. Catherine was told to let me call my mum, so I did and she said that I had to go home to my family friends because my Nan has had a stroke. I remember that feeling when she told me, trying not to cry but needing to and feeling like all these walls falling down inside of me but knowing that nothing could stop it and Michelle Yip was such a good friend at the time. So Nan was like getting worse and so we had one of my aunties/uncles come over and have a day every week to look after her. That was good for me because I saw them every week. But there were so many down sides that the happy didn’t balance out everything. Nan stayed in hospital to have tests run, they had her staying in the stroke ward because that’s what they thought she had. They did scans and test and realised it was a brain tumor. Nan couldn’t get the right words out of her mouth. I remember her saying ‘I had an MRI this morning’ and we were like “oh my goodness why didn’t you tell us?!” and she didn’t know what all the fuss was about because she thought she said “I had a shower this morning”. Small things like that that made everything more scary. She was a perfectly healthy, active grandma one day and a month later she basically lives on her chair that moves up and down it was the coolest chair in the world. Her medication was unbelievable, Pills, chemotherapy and radio therapy. The Pills were soooo confusing, she had a cool little day by day box, morning, lunch and night every day had something in it.
They decided to try and get some out, like a sample. First they shaved part of her head but the man shaved all these random clumps made her hair looked weird as, but they did well and they got like 8 cells out. Doesn’t seem like much but it made such a difference. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, the meds were doing their job but then nan went to my auntie Bern’s for a night or two whilst I was at a camp. She was gardening out the front. (They have a massive hill so the driveway is so steep and hard to get up.) She bent over to get a weed and toppled down the hill, she got stopped by a huge log but she had bashed her head and she had more purple than skin colour on her. The ambulance was called and she was taken in. When I was coming home from my camp, driven by Nathan Pincus’s mum, when I got out of the car mum warned me that Nan had had a fall whilst I was gone and seeing her that was such a shock. She looked in so much pain and that was more drugs to add to her list.
After that her hair was getting shorter and thinner and so she decided to buy a wig. The wig looked pretty real actually. If we ever had a cold we weren’t allowed to go near her because her immune system couldn’t deal with anything, not even a simple cold. Everyday we would coat her in sorbelene cream because her skin dried out so fast and we had to change her shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, hand soap and any other skin thing to all natural brands or else she would get rashes. Brodie and Owen’s wedding was coming up, so Nan was determined to get to that. I know it meant so much to Brodie as did Nan. The day was so nice because we were all a family, the men watching the car racing and the women outside eating cheese and crackers. The kids scattered everywhere. Nan even went to the reception and danced the night away. She could finally kick up her feet. Nan had made a date to have a party and invite all the family and all her friends to. It was to be in March after Travis’s 21st and after Jay and Lisa’s wedding. She didn’t want to steal the spot light from anyone. Nan had received a voice recorder from Teresa so she didn’t forget things. Smart idea. We had a fairly normal time in October and early November, I saw Nan get her radio therapy, holding back tears as she was laid on a bed with this scary mask on and lasers were put through her head, I need to be strong for her, to be strong with her. If she could do it so could I. but in late November she started to have a cough. She felt too lousy to get up and mum decided to get it checked out. Turned out a normal cold had turned into pneumonia and she was hospitalised and put on a drip and everything. I brought in Mr. Robert Brown to stay with her but she sent him home so he “didn’t get lost”. That was when I knew things were not ok, not fine and dandy like mum said, something was really wrong and nan didn’t think she was going to pull through and who would know better than nan herself? No one. Ellie my cousin was staying with us and she was sleeping in my room so we got to talk a lot. We got so much closer in those few weeks, she as the only other person I knew that was going through the same thing and actually WANTED to talk about it with me, iron out the parts I didn’t understand and let me rant about how I felt and swear and watch me scream into a pillow and do it with me sometimes too. We were like sisters. One Friday I went to the swimming pool for an excursion and as we were playing some games on a basketball court I felt really sick, like stomach and headache and mr. sandy called my house for someone to come and get me and Ellie and my uncle Tim came. I almost died of humiliation, Tim was wearing some old pants and no shoes and he looked like he just got out of bed and hadn’t had a shower for days, which was probably true but still. Even my teacher laughed. I felt sorry for him though because his mummy was in hospital and I made him worry. So we went home and I felt instantly better, it was really weird, everyone thought I was faking but I actually did feel like shit and miraculously I felt better at home straight away. And then I realised it was a sign from God; we got a call telling us to pick up the girls from school because Nan only had a top of 48 hours to live. So of course no one was happy, we picked up the girls and went into the hospital. For once in her life Nan looked like one of those frail old grandmas’s. Not the active young looking grandma she was only 8 months or so ago. She had a mask on and like a million tubes in her arm and she couldn’t even talk properly, when she did it was a soft, hoarse, whisper, one that every once of energy was going into hearing. And in her hand was this strength, all her life was holding onto in her hands, the hands that I had held my whole life. So here I am trying to stop the tears flowing for just 10 seconds so I can tell her how I feel and failing when I have to leave and I walk out of the room only to return 15 minutes later and this time I don’t cry, I hold her hand and I tell her that it will all be ok and that I love her and she’ll pull through and everything will be fine but knowing that everything will not be ok and the doctors don’t think she will pull through and that me loving her cant help anything in this situation and the one thing that haunts me to this very day is when I walked out and I turned my back on her, and I never saw her again, I turned my back on my last chance at seeing my Nan, and over the two days that she was alive I wasn’t allowed to see her again and every time my mum called home I made her tell nan that I loved her and it made mum cry every time I asked. And then I was in my room with Ellie when my aunt Kathleen came in saying “I just need to see my boys’ and my dad coming in and asking us to go outside and being hugged by my cousin Krystal and my daddy and crying harder because the arms I was in were not the arms that I longed for more than anything, the arms that no longer existed because nan wasn’t in them anymore.
So that is my story
That is why I am the way I am today
Monday, May 11, 2009
not really worth reading
well its the 11th of may
MAY
oh my goodness
its may already
almost halfway through the year
jeez time needs to slow down
aren't the days supposed to be getting longer?
doesnt seem that way
well today we had some real estate dude come through
*cough* idiot *cough*
i didnt like him much
we get to choose our dude but mum has like already chose
it was really awkward when he went into my room
i mean imagine some horse faced man walking into your room...
yeah not so lovely is it?
my computer in my room has been like frozen for 2 hours
and i cant turn it off,
because i need to save the stuff i've done
stupid stupid piece of crap
today we had crappy subjects,
we did the beep test....
atleast i did better than last year...
my sisters both got into district cross country
so now im like the disappointment of the family
pretty depressing shite man.
my mum keeps cleaning my room
and i dont know how to tell her i hate it when she does
because i wont do it myself
clean rooms dont do anything for me
im just going to mess it up again
whats the point?
none?
i thought not.
I've decided i want to buy a cow
not like a toy but like an actual cow
they're so cute
i used to have like a phobia of them
becayse my cousins cow kelly headbuts
and it has like pink eyes
scary
but then i like started to like it
and know i like am obsessed with cows
well before i go off my tree and tell you about
other crao you dont need to know
i think ill leave
thanks for reading
niah
MAY
oh my goodness
its may already
almost halfway through the year
jeez time needs to slow down
aren't the days supposed to be getting longer?
doesnt seem that way
well today we had some real estate dude come through
*cough* idiot *cough*
i didnt like him much
we get to choose our dude but mum has like already chose
it was really awkward when he went into my room
i mean imagine some horse faced man walking into your room...
yeah not so lovely is it?
my computer in my room has been like frozen for 2 hours
and i cant turn it off,
because i need to save the stuff i've done
stupid stupid piece of crap
today we had crappy subjects,
we did the beep test....
atleast i did better than last year...
my sisters both got into district cross country
so now im like the disappointment of the family
pretty depressing shite man.
my mum keeps cleaning my room
and i dont know how to tell her i hate it when she does
because i wont do it myself
clean rooms dont do anything for me
im just going to mess it up again
whats the point?
none?
i thought not.
I've decided i want to buy a cow
not like a toy but like an actual cow
they're so cute
i used to have like a phobia of them
becayse my cousins cow kelly headbuts
and it has like pink eyes
scary
but then i like started to like it
and know i like am obsessed with cows
well before i go off my tree and tell you about
other crao you dont need to know
i think ill leave
thanks for reading
niah
Monday, May 4, 2009
replaced
well i think you can count on me not to blog everyday
haha
well over the last few days...
nothing much happened at all
i havnt foound my blazer
i havnt done anything particularily great either
i went to my uncles house
well not his house
the house that he rents because he works in the city
and works about an hour away
smart man that one
his rented house thing that i will call his house is
the most awesome place ever
its quite skinny but heaps long and its really beautiful
the man that hes renting off makes hoola-hoops
like the good ones that are made for your weight and height
that the circus people use?
yeah well them
and the house is next to this factory that got burnt down ages ago
so the brick frame has these amazing vines twirling around them
and there is such a story there its beautiful.
when we got there mum was like 'oh we should live here when tim moves out'
and i was thinking that she was joking,
we have perfectly fine house at home
then i realised we dont
we are getting kicked out soon
so i get really freaked out
i didnt want this place as a home
i mean it was beautiful and everything
but it wasnt home
there is only one home for me
and its not going to be mine anymore
its really not that nice to think about.
leaving all my memories that i have
all the times where i had nan with me
and i have to give it up
give them up
give her up
none of which im ready to do
i have a life there
where else can i go?
what else can i do?
poppy is buried there
lady is burried there
i am burried there
my life is burried there
my foundation, my beggining and what i thought was going to be my end
is my house
i dont want some random relpacing me
replacing us
replacing what my nan made special for our whole family
replacing all that i know.
i dont want to move into a new neighbourhood
into someone elses room
where someone else lived
and cooked
and slept
and cried
and laughed
and did whatever they wanted.
thats not where i perticularily want to be
not where i want to have to fit in.
only the known things are safe
and here i am venturing into the unknown
how stupid am i?
haha
well over the last few days...
nothing much happened at all
i havnt foound my blazer
i havnt done anything particularily great either
i went to my uncles house
well not his house
the house that he rents because he works in the city
and works about an hour away
smart man that one
his rented house thing that i will call his house is
the most awesome place ever
its quite skinny but heaps long and its really beautiful
the man that hes renting off makes hoola-hoops
like the good ones that are made for your weight and height
that the circus people use?
yeah well them
and the house is next to this factory that got burnt down ages ago
so the brick frame has these amazing vines twirling around them
and there is such a story there its beautiful.
when we got there mum was like 'oh we should live here when tim moves out'
and i was thinking that she was joking,
we have perfectly fine house at home
then i realised we dont
we are getting kicked out soon
so i get really freaked out
i didnt want this place as a home
i mean it was beautiful and everything
but it wasnt home
there is only one home for me
and its not going to be mine anymore
its really not that nice to think about.
leaving all my memories that i have
all the times where i had nan with me
and i have to give it up
give them up
give her up
none of which im ready to do
i have a life there
where else can i go?
what else can i do?
poppy is buried there
lady is burried there
i am burried there
my life is burried there
my foundation, my beggining and what i thought was going to be my end
is my house
i dont want some random relpacing me
replacing us
replacing what my nan made special for our whole family
replacing all that i know.
i dont want to move into a new neighbourhood
into someone elses room
where someone else lived
and cooked
and slept
and cried
and laughed
and did whatever they wanted.
thats not where i perticularily want to be
not where i want to have to fit in.
only the known things are safe
and here i am venturing into the unknown
how stupid am i?
Friday, May 1, 2009
the little world of niah
woah its been a while.
well where do i begin
the last time i blogged was march 17
so thats like 2 months ago.
ok well in that last month i:
got a job
got a boyfriend
got a life
am almost finished writing a book
have read like 7 books myself
took up another day of work
had cross country
did well in art class
failed at making toni a birthday present
found out a heap about myself
found out heaps about my friends
gound out who my real friends are
found out how to deal with people
learnt that its ok to cry
cried a heap
started to trust my mum more
lost my blazer and my phone
found my phone but not my blazer
found out that blazers are $220
and felt differently about everything basickly
its been pretty busy in the little world of niah lately.
umm well yeah as i said i have a bf now,
his name is brandon,
hes like the perfect guy,
but as always there is a catch,
my like best friend toni liked him before me,
so i pretended i didnt like him and everyhitng was fine,
and one night i was really bored so i asked brandon who he liked
expecting like someone i didnt know.
he only seemed to like toni as a friend but still i wanted to see her name
and when he said me i like choked.
id totally just muddled everything up
i just walzed into tonis life again and ruined everything
so i decided to ask her what she would do say ing something like
' what would you do if a guy liked you and you liked him but
your friend liked him first? would you get with the guy and hurt
the friends feelings or would you not hurt the friend and not go out woth the guy?'
and she answered something along the lines of
'well i think id get with the guy because if she wa a good friend shed be happy
for them and go and find her own prince charming'
so there i was like glazey eyed reading toni doom herself to like the
hurt that i had to inflict.
she took it better than i would have,
i felt sooo bad.
i mean i want to be with brandon,
but i didnt want to have to add her into the equation.
and then she went on her blog and said
i am jacob.
i can’t pretend that it doesnt hurt.
it does.
it hurts like.. like.. it just hurts.
im happy for them, i am,
but i, myself, are not happy.
and.. i can’t stop thinking about it.
it wont leave me, no matter how hard i try.
i cant let it go.. more it wont let me go.
i need someone to be here for me, but my emotions cant keep the grip.
i push them away.
i want to be alone. i’m always alone.
and now i’m drowning. i’m drowning in a pool and i’m alone.
i’m alone because i tried to keep the grip but instead i push away.
i always push away.
i never hold on.
i can’t let anyone in.
i don’t want them to feel the hurt,
the tragedy, that is me.
i dont want them to feel how i do.
and because i pushed away,
it has resulted in what i stated before.
i am drowning. with no one to save me.
i dont express it, i try and cover it up.
for a while i begin to believe the lies, the false truth i’m feeding myself.
how i tell myself it will be ok,
but then i see something,
or smell something
or hear something
and it reminds me.
that reminds me,
and it all comes tumbling down. {tumblr pun not intended}
the wards i put up,
the things i used to create a wall to hide it all
it just.. collapses.
and then i’m worse off than i was to begin with.
i’m left with broken hope
and a clear view of what i’ve been trying to avoid all this time.
a clear view.
a clear view.
a.
clear.
view.
and now i just have to contain it.
because i can’t just tell everyone.
people don’t understand. I don’t understand.
and i’m the one with the problem.
i can’t let go. i need to let go.
but i’m not the one holding on..
this feeling is holding onto me and it’s not going to go anywhere.
it’s not leaving. it’s not letting go.
and i dont know how much longer i can hold on until it pulls us both under.
i know now isn’t the time for a twilight referance,
but im not going to referance to twilight.
eclipse.
i am jacob.
they picked someone else.
they never loved me. not like that.
but just because THEY never loved me,
doesnt mean it doesnt hurt to see them go off with someone else.
so as you can see i like killed her inside
im the worst person ever
i took her edward from her
her romeo.
what kind of friend does that?
a bad one.
so here i am,
a bad friend
a terrible, heartbreaking friend.
i cant believe i could do something like that.
i dont think anyone could
and then friends like dan say im never selfish or mean
well here is proof
im a big selfish meanie everyone
and as toni would say 'this. is. me.'
well where do i begin
the last time i blogged was march 17
so thats like 2 months ago.
ok well in that last month i:
got a job
got a boyfriend
got a life
am almost finished writing a book
have read like 7 books myself
took up another day of work
had cross country
did well in art class
failed at making toni a birthday present
found out a heap about myself
found out heaps about my friends
gound out who my real friends are
found out how to deal with people
learnt that its ok to cry
cried a heap
started to trust my mum more
lost my blazer and my phone
found my phone but not my blazer
found out that blazers are $220
and felt differently about everything basickly
its been pretty busy in the little world of niah lately.
umm well yeah as i said i have a bf now,
his name is brandon,
hes like the perfect guy,
but as always there is a catch,
my like best friend toni liked him before me,
so i pretended i didnt like him and everyhitng was fine,
and one night i was really bored so i asked brandon who he liked
expecting like someone i didnt know.
he only seemed to like toni as a friend but still i wanted to see her name
and when he said me i like choked.
id totally just muddled everything up
i just walzed into tonis life again and ruined everything
so i decided to ask her what she would do say ing something like
' what would you do if a guy liked you and you liked him but
your friend liked him first? would you get with the guy and hurt
the friends feelings or would you not hurt the friend and not go out woth the guy?'
and she answered something along the lines of
'well i think id get with the guy because if she wa a good friend shed be happy
for them and go and find her own prince charming'
so there i was like glazey eyed reading toni doom herself to like the
hurt that i had to inflict.
she took it better than i would have,
i felt sooo bad.
i mean i want to be with brandon,
but i didnt want to have to add her into the equation.
and then she went on her blog and said
i am jacob.
i can’t pretend that it doesnt hurt.
it does.
it hurts like.. like.. it just hurts.
im happy for them, i am,
but i, myself, are not happy.
and.. i can’t stop thinking about it.
it wont leave me, no matter how hard i try.
i cant let it go.. more it wont let me go.
i need someone to be here for me, but my emotions cant keep the grip.
i push them away.
i want to be alone. i’m always alone.
and now i’m drowning. i’m drowning in a pool and i’m alone.
i’m alone because i tried to keep the grip but instead i push away.
i always push away.
i never hold on.
i can’t let anyone in.
i don’t want them to feel the hurt,
the tragedy, that is me.
i dont want them to feel how i do.
and because i pushed away,
it has resulted in what i stated before.
i am drowning. with no one to save me.
i dont express it, i try and cover it up.
for a while i begin to believe the lies, the false truth i’m feeding myself.
how i tell myself it will be ok,
but then i see something,
or smell something
or hear something
and it reminds me.
that reminds me,
and it all comes tumbling down. {tumblr pun not intended}
the wards i put up,
the things i used to create a wall to hide it all
it just.. collapses.
and then i’m worse off than i was to begin with.
i’m left with broken hope
and a clear view of what i’ve been trying to avoid all this time.
a clear view.
a clear view.
a.
clear.
view.
and now i just have to contain it.
because i can’t just tell everyone.
people don’t understand. I don’t understand.
and i’m the one with the problem.
i can’t let go. i need to let go.
but i’m not the one holding on..
this feeling is holding onto me and it’s not going to go anywhere.
it’s not leaving. it’s not letting go.
and i dont know how much longer i can hold on until it pulls us both under.
i know now isn’t the time for a twilight referance,
but im not going to referance to twilight.
eclipse.
i am jacob.
they picked someone else.
they never loved me. not like that.
but just because THEY never loved me,
doesnt mean it doesnt hurt to see them go off with someone else.
so as you can see i like killed her inside
im the worst person ever
i took her edward from her
her romeo.
what kind of friend does that?
a bad one.
so here i am,
a bad friend
a terrible, heartbreaking friend.
i cant believe i could do something like that.
i dont think anyone could
and then friends like dan say im never selfish or mean
well here is proof
im a big selfish meanie everyone
and as toni would say 'this. is. me.'
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