Inside of Me

I hardly eat anymore. I'm always empty yet food doesn't seem to fill up the right holes. So I don't eat. When your heart's this heavy and your minds this full, extra weight pulling you down just makes you seem more vunerable, more empty. Because your stomachs full, full of yummy things, things that you should get joy from, but instead your mind feels more burdened, your heart so full of sorrow anything that reminds you of anything brings tears to your eyes, so you block out everything, you ingnore the enpty pit in your stomach, you barely notice it because with all the emptiness inside you, you forget that it's meant to be filled. The saddest part is that I need the burdens, sorrows that fill up my heart and bring me down, because with out them I'm hollow, I'd be taken away with the wind as my vessel. With out them I'm a hollow log, nothing to no one and no one to nothing. I hate it. I hate that I'm so fragile, so boney, so.... breakable. I hate that I need them. Need them to be more than an empty shell. I hate that i LIKE them, i hate that I want them to stay because with them goes my most precious memories. The ones that, although cause me great pain, mean the most to me. Small ones, ones that no one remembers, ones that are just middle moments, moments between events when nothing happens but everything happens, moments that mean nothing but, when later studied, bring on a whole new vocabulary of feeling. These burdens give me insight, give me imagination, I can imagine whole new worlds, worlds so real I still don't know if they are imagined or not. I know I'm insignificant, I know I'm no one, but I am someone, maybe I'm a lie, maybe I'm a full time actress, but I can love. So that must mean something. That must mean that the twisted wreck of a soul I have inside me still longs to be. Still longs to feel somethihng besides pain and devistation for a little bit. To feel that maybe I'm not acting, that my worlds of Imagination are real, even if only to myself. Me and my soul can make it out, we can pull through, I've just got to cling to my love, to all that I love. We will pull through it, together.