I trust the red sun setting,
The leafless November trees.
On monday morning I look forward
Fearlessly to Friday's eve.

But humans are not as reliable
As nature, as trees.
I wonder if you'll come back;
I trust only that you'll leave.
- John Galardi

'Why is it that we torture ourselves with love? We hope and wish for that special someone for so long, and it hurts so much to see them love someone else. When we finally get the person of our dreams, they leave sooner or later, gone from your life like a feather floating away in the wind, never to be seen again. We cry endlessly for many nights, remembering their smiles, their kind words, their warm embrace. You can't help but feel joy when you think of their sweet kisses or that special feeling you get whenever you see them. You dream of them and wake up smiling, until you realize it was only a dream and the closest thing you have to that person are the memories and times you shared, that made it all worthwhile. I guess that's why we torture ourselves with love.' -Lisa Gilbert

dusk

'dusk is just an illusion, becuase the sun is either above the horizon or below it.
this means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are; there cannot be one without the other, yet they cannot exist at the same time.
i wonder....how it feels to be always together, but forever apart...' -

The perfect escape route.

Life is like a tunnel.
You don't know where you're going
but do we really want to?
Do we really want to see our future pain?
Who dies first?
Who's left grieving?
Who suffers worst?
But on the other hand
do we really want to see what makes us happy?
Would our lives turn into a movie we've already seen
and make those amazing moments that build your soul
whether they're good or bad,
Meaningless shit we've already seen?
Do we really want to die twice?
Feel the horrible pain and darkness of death over and over?
Depending on how many times we see see death before us and
Evade its eager clutches?
Do we really want to know what fate lies ahead of us?
So we never see.
Whether its because some tiny part of us knows its ugly,
a tiny part that resists the urge,
the urge that some people fight and win,
fortune tellers and gypsies
they grasp what we never will,
they are stronger than all of us,
yet we think they're mad..
While we resist we think,
I mean never seeing the future should let us concentrate on
the now right?
wrong.
Instead we get so caught up in the past we loose ourselves in
our guilt and insecurity.
We agonise ourselves over every little mistake we make
Every little fall we fell
Every little stutter of the person we really are we show
We kill ourselves everyday
Everyday that person deep down inside shrinks deeper and deeper
inside ourselves until eventually we can never reach them.
Not even the most extensive coaxing can bring them out
Not the deepest truest love
and nothing is stronger than that.
We screw ourselves over more and more
we are our biggest problem.
But this tunnel of ours,
it cant tolerate our shit.
Every sad thing that happens digs us a hole,
every guilty thought that eats away at us,
well it eats away at the soil beneath us,
every comment that we let hurt us,
digs us deeper and deeper until we can't get out.
We all know when we're in it,
we all feel that loneliness,
That total and utter despair of rotting in a dark scary hole,
So we get it over and done with,
we jump off bridges,
we stab pencils into our brains,
we slice open our bodies,
all to get out of this stupid hole that we alone dig.
But the thing is that we did dig it,
we have the power to dig it,
we are the power
we control it,
but we let it control us.
But we need to take that control back,
we need to un-dig what we've dug.
Un-do what we've done,
Un-justify the things that seemed right at the time but are so wrong,
things that we let ourselves spew over for how long?
too long.
So here we have it.
The perfect escape route:
Ourselves.
We climbed down,
though we think we fell,
we climbed,
willingly,
into the clutches of possession,
into this darkness and despair,
so we climb back up.
In theory its the easiest thing,
in reality,
it's going to be a heck of a job.
But the main thing is that we believe it.
Believe we can climb.
Because we can.
And we will.
We will climb.

human

okay another belief
god is not human
god is not human shaped.
the bible stated that we were made in gods image.
load of bull dust
we say that because we think we are the superior race
we think we're better than all other animals
but how do we know?
we think that goldfish forget every 3 seconds
but how do they remember to be scared if we come near?
how do they remember what food looks like?
or that they need food?
this man did an experiment and everyday before he fed his fish
he put a red block in his fish tank and then fed them.
and after a while he put in the block and they all came to the top
so it got to a point where he would put in the block
they'd swim up and even if he didnt have food with him they came up
so you see?
fish are smart bubbies
dont underestimate the power of the mind.
lol
so god can be anything
any animal
any thing god wishes
haha
niah xx

my end

okay.
i have come to a conclusion.
i have been tossing up my beliefs for a while,
deciding what is fact,
what is fiction
and what is just a load of crap
to me.
TO ME
thats important.
whats a load of crap to me could be fact to another,
now im not here to tell people that what i say is the bible,
because derr of course its not.
but here is what i believe about death.

wel first here is what i don't believe.
reincarnation.
i want to
i want to come back
i want to believe that i will
but i dont
and heres why.

I wanted to believe in stuff like reincarnation, but being on a farm makes it hard, because there's so much death. I couldn't quite believe that all those locusts and European wasps and mosquito wrigglers in the tank got reincarnated, and if they didn't, then why should people? What made us so special?

THE NIGHT IS FOR HUNTING - John marsden

Okay now for what i believe.
the light.
the light is love.
un-diluted love
the purest purest love there is
and it shines like the light of a million stars
and it guides you to peace
you follow it and you rest in peace
where you go, well
i don't believe you go anywhere
people say that you are looked down on
to me thats fiction
the dont look down
they look out
for you and of you
small parts of them live inside you
and they look out for you
and when you talk to them
they listen
but their soul is at peace
in the light that you made them.
and hell,
hell is here
on earth
where no one can see you
or talk to you
and because no one had any love to guide you
no one wants to see you
and you are alone
stuck in loneliness forever
just there
by yourself
floating
waiting
but for nothing
because nothing is coming
or going
or happening
you just watch
but there is no one that you could want to watch
because they dont love you
not enough to guide you
and if you watch them
there is nothing you can do
but watch
stuck inside your head
cant talk
cant live
just existing
never at peace
never at ease
alway just existing
stuck in a pit of troubles and despair and pain
no one loves you
no one misses you
no one cares for you
its like having LONER tattooed on your forhead
thats my hell
thats my heaven
and i know where i want to end up
and where id.....
i cant describe what it would be like
it makes me feel queezy
and sick
and just full on yuck.
bleh
vomit
yuck

and on that happy note
i say goodnight
:D
niah xx

Endless Road

man i have like 700 depressed friends right now
its so gay
its like bloody hell
why cant people just be happy?
why cant i be happy?
is it against some law of nature?
lol
apparently so.
once again i post this quote.

She wanted to fall in love this summer, thinking that love was just some other form of entertaining fun, like scuba diving or sunbathing. Another cool thing to do at the beach. but it wasn't. It was dangerous. Without love you couldn't have pain. Without love you couldn't have loss. Grief. Emptiness. Love made it all possible.

stupid stupid stupid love.
its all love's fault.
i hate it
and i want to squish it into pulp
but then i think about the people that i love
and i want to milk it for all its worth.
but that's another reason to hate it.
I'm all mixed up feelings about it.
i hate being confused.
its like KILL ME NOW!
well not literally but i hate it.
same with boredom.
curse the filthy disease boredom.
oh and loneliness don't forget that one.
but i also love that word lonesome.
lol
don't you reckon its just an aweosme word?
lol im being kicked off
love you guys


The truth is tearing up my heart
I can’t recognise this place
The endless road without a stop sign
Can’t even find a stranger this time

Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there’s nothing left to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time I ask if this would be the last

Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think~ I never will

A crystal forming in the eye
Maybe this would be the last
The winding path down my face
Till I begin to taste the bitterness inside

Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there’s nothing left to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time I ask if this would be the last

Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think~ I never will

Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there’s nothing left to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time I ask if this would be the last

Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think~ I never will

I never will

-Endless Road, JJ Lin.

thanks for reading
niah xx