the little engine that could

hey
im in a good mood atm so im blogging quickly
im slightly slipping but im holding on
mums still angry
everyones still dead
but its okay now
its in the past.
well not mums mood but i dont have to let her affect me
its all in the way i think about it
if i let her get to me im most likely to crack
but if i let it slip past me
i think ill make it.
i will make it.
because i can do this.
i can.
lol i think i can i think i can.
haha
its all in my perspective.
my level co-ordinater read us this perspective story in level assembely.
It went something like this.

One day I sat in a railway station, everything was quiet and peaceful and people sat quietly reading their newpapers and resting their eyes from the day. Then a man walked in with his three kids, the children ran around screaming and playing and occasionally fighting, interrupting the whole atmoshere of the station. The man sat down beside me and closed his droopy eyes to rest. His children continued to yell and scream and on behalf of the other people on the railway i spoke to the man. I said "excuse me sir but your children are running a muck, you must controll them!" i was quite angry. the man opened his eyes and took a deap breath "yes i suppose they are running a muck, you see weve just come out of the hospital were their mother died and hour ago" the mans voice quivered and my perspective changed, all my anger turned into pain for the man and his family and i saw the situation in a whole new light.

a bit depressing for level assmebly i think.
i just needed soemthing to say.
lol thanks for reading
niah xx

confessions of a teenage drama queen

niah has officially hit the bottom of the barrel.
and from down here you all look pretty big.
you all are big.
i have this feeling
and its like someone stabbed me internally in my stomach
like somethings missing
now usually thats in my chest and my heart feels stabbed
but now its like cry worthy pain
my mum hates me
my nans dead
poppys dead
alice is dead
lady is dead
arnie is dead
norbert is dead
petunia is dead
brown patch is dead
poppa is dead
teresa is in queensland
kathleen in moving house
im dead
tonis in a bad way
jays all blind to pain
brans all not talkin just listening
i can deal with it!
i cant deal with him
i actually started crying because he didnt talk to me
he doesnt like talking about stuff but i need that
i need to be distracted from my pain.
thats what i need.
tonis pain is too similar to mine
jay just changes the subject and shuns crying
all my back up plans dont work
me and my mum are so like no talking
im trying
im so trying hard
i know its not good enough
but what can i do?
im fricken depressed
sometimes i think im not
but its times like these when i just go
theres no denying it
you cant hide it from yourself too
everyone else but not you
because im the only person whos going to stick by me always
i cant afford to push me away.
well i cant afford to push anyone away
i do it anyways but i cant afford to
i am at the bottom of the barrel
right down there
and im sure that the barrel can break and i can go deeper
but right now
i feel dead.
no i feel worse than dead
because if you are dead then the pain ends.
or atleast it doesnt get any worse.
you know sometimes i get so bad i have to promise my friends i wont
commit suicide.
today i had to promise cleo i wouldnt commit suicide till i was 18.
you know i dont think i will
because my friends would be so angry with me
but sometimes the pain just seperates me from all that
there is overwhelming pain, then guilt and anger and more pain.
im only 14
FOURTEEN DAMMIT!
im just a little baby
i shouldnt feel these things
and think these things
i shouldnt want these things.
there i said it.
i want to.
i wont.
but i want to.
i have sunk that low into thinking its better than this.
anything HAS to be better than this.
anything...

story of my life

hide and it will seek you
lie and it will eat you
pry and you have no head
escape and we will all be dead
kiss the light and be forever dark
loose the fire lost the spark
want the winner prepare to loose
live forever yet never choose
long to live till you die
never see the days that pass you by
the more you climb the harder you fall
the bigger you get the more you are small
you'll be the dead if you survive
never make the most of your life
see the star you'll never reach
be taught but never teach
consume the fire but never ignite
this is the story of my life

hide and seek

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

lights will guide you home

niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
how are you?
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i'm so lost
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i feel like life is just
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
on a train
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
and i'm stuck at the station
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
unable to get on
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
just
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
urgh
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
life is going too fast
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
and.. i don't know
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
it's just so
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
shit
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
like these people come into my classes and practically say i have to plan out my life right now
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
so i don't get to live my life?
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i just have to stand in line and wait
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i don't think thats fair
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i know that i need qualifications and all this stuff for doing whatever
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
but i don't feel like i'm ever going to be able to just
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
live
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i feel dead niah
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
i feel sooooo dead
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
wait one second
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
ok
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
thats nice
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
non sarcastic btw lol
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
lol
niah ♥۴∞β+ή٭ﻻﻴ♥ <<< i kinda like having something thats just, you know mine. I am you know..... yours >>> says:
im so sorry i cant do anthing
- tonicernosaa »I hate this, I hate this, says:
Lol it's fine



people say to keep your enemies closer than your friends,
i say dont listen to them.
if you have good friends you dont need enemies
you dont care what people think or do because you have someone to run to
toni i just want you to know
that i would run to you
and i hope that you could run to me too


niah xx

The Incredible Encounters of a Lonely Stray

Lol lonely stray
thats a great definition of me
a little lost soul wondering among people
smiling and waving and laughing but never feeling at home
never feeling part of anything
never feeling whole
today i once again had to tell toni that the guy she had her eye on didnt like her 'in that way'. why does in always have to be me? i know its like my duty as a friend but seriously, one heart can only be broken so many times by one person. first i stole her epic crush that shed liked for months then i had to break the news that marky fancied some other chick. im the breaker of hearts, thats my nick name now. at least mark is sorry. hes saying hell have nightmares of toni crying and just now he totally freaked out when tonis name had the 'Away' sign and was panicking that she was crying away from the screen. he really cares about her, in a way he may love her, but just unfortunately not the right way. but this chick mark likes, whos name im not aloud to tell anyone, sounds genuinly nice. i so wanted Mark to be gay, itsa like the ultimate excuse to explain not liking toni who i have explained many times would be the perfect girlfriend, mother and wife. man like i would date her if i was a guy. and i mean that in the most non-awkward way possible. but the problem with dating is that its either going to be your last boyfriend ever or you get totally battered and yu have to try again. its like you are a donught and you are sliding along a table, guys line the table and as you glide past they take a bite out of you, if they like you they keep you and when they dont like you they put you back out to be eaten again. then the right guy will come past and hell keep you safe and hell never put you back out on the table to be battered again. but you see once he takes you some donughts want to be back on the market and there you go, another problem. the donught gets a choice but when it makes a choice someone gets hurt and how does she know if its the right choice? the perfect guy could be next in line or he could be the last person or dying of the measles. he could be anywhere thats why its so stupid. BLOODY STUPID I TELL YOU! im just going to go.
thanks for reading
love you toni
niah xx

Quote of the Week

me without you is like; a sneaker without laces, a geek without braces, asentencewithoutspaces

once again i say
i love you jayjay