confessions of a teenage drama queen

niah has officially hit the bottom of the barrel.
and from down here you all look pretty big.
you all are big.
i have this feeling
and its like someone stabbed me internally in my stomach
like somethings missing
now usually thats in my chest and my heart feels stabbed
but now its like cry worthy pain
my mum hates me
my nans dead
poppys dead
alice is dead
lady is dead
arnie is dead
norbert is dead
petunia is dead
brown patch is dead
poppa is dead
teresa is in queensland
kathleen in moving house
im dead
tonis in a bad way
jays all blind to pain
brans all not talkin just listening
i can deal with it!
i cant deal with him
i actually started crying because he didnt talk to me
he doesnt like talking about stuff but i need that
i need to be distracted from my pain.
thats what i need.
tonis pain is too similar to mine
jay just changes the subject and shuns crying
all my back up plans dont work
me and my mum are so like no talking
im trying
im so trying hard
i know its not good enough
but what can i do?
im fricken depressed
sometimes i think im not
but its times like these when i just go
theres no denying it
you cant hide it from yourself too
everyone else but not you
because im the only person whos going to stick by me always
i cant afford to push me away.
well i cant afford to push anyone away
i do it anyways but i cant afford to
i am at the bottom of the barrel
right down there
and im sure that the barrel can break and i can go deeper
but right now
i feel dead.
no i feel worse than dead
because if you are dead then the pain ends.
or atleast it doesnt get any worse.
you know sometimes i get so bad i have to promise my friends i wont
commit suicide.
today i had to promise cleo i wouldnt commit suicide till i was 18.
you know i dont think i will
because my friends would be so angry with me
but sometimes the pain just seperates me from all that
there is overwhelming pain, then guilt and anger and more pain.
im only 14
FOURTEEN DAMMIT!
im just a little baby
i shouldnt feel these things
and think these things
i shouldnt want these things.
there i said it.
i want to.
i wont.
but i want to.
i have sunk that low into thinking its better than this.
anything HAS to be better than this.
anything...