icantthinkofanamesoimjustcallingitthis

ok so i havnt blogged in forever but i have taken the time out to write this all down on paper because i couldnt use my comp. see? i do care.
Well schools been a drag as usual, boring boring boring work work work and speaking of drags and work my job is starting to push my buttons. its cold, ok its freezing, its dark, windy and sometimes raining and i have to leave work in bathers and a towel and soaked through *shudder*. The kids are awesome though, well most of them are, there's always the odd exception, but, hey whos perfect? Not me, thats for sure. Well these couple of days i havnt been comp. bound i've had some time to think, to really think, and ive come to a conclusion. I'm scared. I'm terrified of going on msn. I cant face brandon. i mean i think about him ALL the time and i care for him sooo much but i dont love him and im scared. Don't get me wrong, i really like him, i like like him, but im only 14, im just a baby, im not in love. im just a kid. he always says 'i love you' and i say 'i love you too' but now i just feel like a liar so im hiding. He's been worrying so much about me and toni actually texted me today. TONI!!! its crazy-madness and im starting to worry about myself. ive never been normal, haha thats a bit out of my reach but now im scared of things like a computer and having strange-ass dreams. lol dreams are made up by the things you worry about and think about constantly, they are made up by your brain. i think i might just have brain damage, or maybe i just worry too much. im seriously scraping the barrel for ideas here. all the time i was away i had all these ideas and now im here they all seem stupid or embarrassing or totally boring. oh im reaading a really good book, well technically i was reading a really good book. its called tomorrow when the war began. Its in a series of 7 and i think the authors name is james marsden. i have all these quotes i wanted to put up but that fell under the totally boring catagory. OMG Michael Jackson died!! the poor thing. i feel so bad, ive always thought he was a creep, no offense to anybody, i think hes a great singer, its just that i never looked behind his face and now i feel bad, like i missed out, i hate regret, stupid feeling, i dont like it. Mind you i dont like a lot of things, most of which are feelings, but when i think about it, a lot of the things i like are feelings. well ive hit the bottom of the barrel.
thanks for reading
i appreciate it
niah xx