wading pool

This is my one hundred and first blog.
reading over them i see my growth.
i see how i changed.
i see when i became a women.
or more womanly.
more crazy.
more scary.
more depressing.
i see when i became myself.
the old me was naive.
the old me was scared of me.
but now I'm out.
I'm out of that shell.
of course its my favourite dress up.
i wear it most of the time.
but i can sleep in my own skin.
i can smile outside of the shell.
i have a smile.
I CAN SMILE!
i feel like I've just seen the sky for the first time.
everyone used to bring me down.
everything.
but somehow i found out how to float.
i learnt to swim.
i used to drown in my sorrows,
and now i wade in them and wait to find the land.
and maybe,
just maybe,
there's land ahoy.
touch wood for me guys.
I'm sailing into shore.
deep breaths.
wish me luck.
niah xx

call to the world

this is my call to the world
hear me
hear my cries for help
because right now im alone
everyone is busy
everyone has problems of their own
so now im alone.
no on sits beside me
sorting through my head
telling me which ways forward
so i dont go backwards instead.
loniless has a way of eating you
pulling you deep inside of it
it being the thing your pulled into
it being simply named it.
this is my call to the world
hear me
hear my laughter
hear how layered my emotions are
hear my pain my suffering
hear my scars.
hear how deep everything goes
every word
every sound
every smile
every curse
hear how much you mean to me
hear my friends
my family
my self.
hear the wonders inside my body
that no one else can see
except for me.
and him.
but hes not my him anymore.
hes his.
so no one sees my wonders.
no one but me.
this is my call to the world.
hear me
see me
look closer
be closer
move closer
im lonely
im alone
whoever you are
i need you.
you.
not them.
if you hear my call.
then its your fate to help me.
this is my call to the world.

Hope Abrams

You know in new moon how she talks about a hole?
it's funny because i never really got it.
ive been numb
ive been sore
ive been hurt
ive been broken
but never before have i felt like this
like everytime i think of him im going to vomit
like the emotions rise up and constrict my thoat
like im allergic to even thinking about him
like i cant breath
so i clutch at my throat and steady my breathing
before putting it out of my mind and walking on
holding my belly as it gurgles in despair.
it's a cycle.
i know it.
i deal with it.
i dont stop it.
maybe it'll go away.
maybe not.
lets hope it does.

okay

are we okay?
are we going to be okay?
will it be okay?
will we be okay?
will everything be okay?
is this okay?
is everything okay?
are we okay?

Pink Ego Box - Muse

It's gonna be ok
I can’t afford another day
At 50 bytes per second

I’ve never seen your face
I’ve never heard your voice

But I think I like it
When you instant message me
With a promise
I can feel it
I can tell you're gonna be
Just like me

My eyes are gonna strained
My heart is feeling pain
At 50 beats per second

I’ve never seen your eyes
I’ve never heard your lies

But I think I like it
When you instant message me
With a promise
I can feel it
I can tell you're gonna be
Just like me
Just like me

You tell
You tell
You tell my name

i hate that i cant cry anymore

Inside of Me

I hardly eat anymore. I'm always empty yet food doesn't seem to fill up the right holes. So I don't eat. When your heart's this heavy and your minds this full, extra weight pulling you down just makes you seem more vunerable, more empty. Because your stomachs full, full of yummy things, things that you should get joy from, but instead your mind feels more burdened, your heart so full of sorrow anything that reminds you of anything brings tears to your eyes, so you block out everything, you ingnore the enpty pit in your stomach, you barely notice it because with all the emptiness inside you, you forget that it's meant to be filled. The saddest part is that I need the burdens, sorrows that fill up my heart and bring me down, because with out them I'm hollow, I'd be taken away with the wind as my vessel. With out them I'm a hollow log, nothing to no one and no one to nothing. I hate it. I hate that I'm so fragile, so boney, so.... breakable. I hate that I need them. Need them to be more than an empty shell. I hate that i LIKE them, i hate that I want them to stay because with them goes my most precious memories. The ones that, although cause me great pain, mean the most to me. Small ones, ones that no one remembers, ones that are just middle moments, moments between events when nothing happens but everything happens, moments that mean nothing but, when later studied, bring on a whole new vocabulary of feeling. These burdens give me insight, give me imagination, I can imagine whole new worlds, worlds so real I still don't know if they are imagined or not. I know I'm insignificant, I know I'm no one, but I am someone, maybe I'm a lie, maybe I'm a full time actress, but I can love. So that must mean something. That must mean that the twisted wreck of a soul I have inside me still longs to be. Still longs to feel somethihng besides pain and devistation for a little bit. To feel that maybe I'm not acting, that my worlds of Imagination are real, even if only to myself. Me and my soul can make it out, we can pull through, I've just got to cling to my love, to all that I love. We will pull through it, together.

I trust the red sun setting,
The leafless November trees.
On monday morning I look forward
Fearlessly to Friday's eve.

But humans are not as reliable
As nature, as trees.
I wonder if you'll come back;
I trust only that you'll leave.
- John Galardi

'Why is it that we torture ourselves with love? We hope and wish for that special someone for so long, and it hurts so much to see them love someone else. When we finally get the person of our dreams, they leave sooner or later, gone from your life like a feather floating away in the wind, never to be seen again. We cry endlessly for many nights, remembering their smiles, their kind words, their warm embrace. You can't help but feel joy when you think of their sweet kisses or that special feeling you get whenever you see them. You dream of them and wake up smiling, until you realize it was only a dream and the closest thing you have to that person are the memories and times you shared, that made it all worthwhile. I guess that's why we torture ourselves with love.' -Lisa Gilbert

dusk

'dusk is just an illusion, becuase the sun is either above the horizon or below it.
this means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are; there cannot be one without the other, yet they cannot exist at the same time.
i wonder....how it feels to be always together, but forever apart...' -

The perfect escape route.

Life is like a tunnel.
You don't know where you're going
but do we really want to?
Do we really want to see our future pain?
Who dies first?
Who's left grieving?
Who suffers worst?
But on the other hand
do we really want to see what makes us happy?
Would our lives turn into a movie we've already seen
and make those amazing moments that build your soul
whether they're good or bad,
Meaningless shit we've already seen?
Do we really want to die twice?
Feel the horrible pain and darkness of death over and over?
Depending on how many times we see see death before us and
Evade its eager clutches?
Do we really want to know what fate lies ahead of us?
So we never see.
Whether its because some tiny part of us knows its ugly,
a tiny part that resists the urge,
the urge that some people fight and win,
fortune tellers and gypsies
they grasp what we never will,
they are stronger than all of us,
yet we think they're mad..
While we resist we think,
I mean never seeing the future should let us concentrate on
the now right?
wrong.
Instead we get so caught up in the past we loose ourselves in
our guilt and insecurity.
We agonise ourselves over every little mistake we make
Every little fall we fell
Every little stutter of the person we really are we show
We kill ourselves everyday
Everyday that person deep down inside shrinks deeper and deeper
inside ourselves until eventually we can never reach them.
Not even the most extensive coaxing can bring them out
Not the deepest truest love
and nothing is stronger than that.
We screw ourselves over more and more
we are our biggest problem.
But this tunnel of ours,
it cant tolerate our shit.
Every sad thing that happens digs us a hole,
every guilty thought that eats away at us,
well it eats away at the soil beneath us,
every comment that we let hurt us,
digs us deeper and deeper until we can't get out.
We all know when we're in it,
we all feel that loneliness,
That total and utter despair of rotting in a dark scary hole,
So we get it over and done with,
we jump off bridges,
we stab pencils into our brains,
we slice open our bodies,
all to get out of this stupid hole that we alone dig.
But the thing is that we did dig it,
we have the power to dig it,
we are the power
we control it,
but we let it control us.
But we need to take that control back,
we need to un-dig what we've dug.
Un-do what we've done,
Un-justify the things that seemed right at the time but are so wrong,
things that we let ourselves spew over for how long?
too long.
So here we have it.
The perfect escape route:
Ourselves.
We climbed down,
though we think we fell,
we climbed,
willingly,
into the clutches of possession,
into this darkness and despair,
so we climb back up.
In theory its the easiest thing,
in reality,
it's going to be a heck of a job.
But the main thing is that we believe it.
Believe we can climb.
Because we can.
And we will.
We will climb.

human

okay another belief
god is not human
god is not human shaped.
the bible stated that we were made in gods image.
load of bull dust
we say that because we think we are the superior race
we think we're better than all other animals
but how do we know?
we think that goldfish forget every 3 seconds
but how do they remember to be scared if we come near?
how do they remember what food looks like?
or that they need food?
this man did an experiment and everyday before he fed his fish
he put a red block in his fish tank and then fed them.
and after a while he put in the block and they all came to the top
so it got to a point where he would put in the block
they'd swim up and even if he didnt have food with him they came up
so you see?
fish are smart bubbies
dont underestimate the power of the mind.
lol
so god can be anything
any animal
any thing god wishes
haha
niah xx

my end

okay.
i have come to a conclusion.
i have been tossing up my beliefs for a while,
deciding what is fact,
what is fiction
and what is just a load of crap
to me.
TO ME
thats important.
whats a load of crap to me could be fact to another,
now im not here to tell people that what i say is the bible,
because derr of course its not.
but here is what i believe about death.

wel first here is what i don't believe.
reincarnation.
i want to
i want to come back
i want to believe that i will
but i dont
and heres why.

I wanted to believe in stuff like reincarnation, but being on a farm makes it hard, because there's so much death. I couldn't quite believe that all those locusts and European wasps and mosquito wrigglers in the tank got reincarnated, and if they didn't, then why should people? What made us so special?

THE NIGHT IS FOR HUNTING - John marsden

Okay now for what i believe.
the light.
the light is love.
un-diluted love
the purest purest love there is
and it shines like the light of a million stars
and it guides you to peace
you follow it and you rest in peace
where you go, well
i don't believe you go anywhere
people say that you are looked down on
to me thats fiction
the dont look down
they look out
for you and of you
small parts of them live inside you
and they look out for you
and when you talk to them
they listen
but their soul is at peace
in the light that you made them.
and hell,
hell is here
on earth
where no one can see you
or talk to you
and because no one had any love to guide you
no one wants to see you
and you are alone
stuck in loneliness forever
just there
by yourself
floating
waiting
but for nothing
because nothing is coming
or going
or happening
you just watch
but there is no one that you could want to watch
because they dont love you
not enough to guide you
and if you watch them
there is nothing you can do
but watch
stuck inside your head
cant talk
cant live
just existing
never at peace
never at ease
alway just existing
stuck in a pit of troubles and despair and pain
no one loves you
no one misses you
no one cares for you
its like having LONER tattooed on your forhead
thats my hell
thats my heaven
and i know where i want to end up
and where id.....
i cant describe what it would be like
it makes me feel queezy
and sick
and just full on yuck.
bleh
vomit
yuck

and on that happy note
i say goodnight
:D
niah xx

Endless Road

man i have like 700 depressed friends right now
its so gay
its like bloody hell
why cant people just be happy?
why cant i be happy?
is it against some law of nature?
lol
apparently so.
once again i post this quote.

She wanted to fall in love this summer, thinking that love was just some other form of entertaining fun, like scuba diving or sunbathing. Another cool thing to do at the beach. but it wasn't. It was dangerous. Without love you couldn't have pain. Without love you couldn't have loss. Grief. Emptiness. Love made it all possible.

stupid stupid stupid love.
its all love's fault.
i hate it
and i want to squish it into pulp
but then i think about the people that i love
and i want to milk it for all its worth.
but that's another reason to hate it.
I'm all mixed up feelings about it.
i hate being confused.
its like KILL ME NOW!
well not literally but i hate it.
same with boredom.
curse the filthy disease boredom.
oh and loneliness don't forget that one.
but i also love that word lonesome.
lol
don't you reckon its just an aweosme word?
lol im being kicked off
love you guys


The truth is tearing up my heart
I can’t recognise this place
The endless road without a stop sign
Can’t even find a stranger this time

Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there’s nothing left to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time I ask if this would be the last

Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think~ I never will

A crystal forming in the eye
Maybe this would be the last
The winding path down my face
Till I begin to taste the bitterness inside

Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there’s nothing left to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time I ask if this would be the last

Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think~ I never will

Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there’s nothing left to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time I ask if this would be the last

Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think~ I never will

I never will

-Endless Road, JJ Lin.

thanks for reading
niah xx

lonesome

♥♥♥••••♥♥♥

I'M AFRAID

click on it and it moves

always smiley

well jay and Chris broke up
you guys all know jay right?
always smiley,
always laughing
always having something funny to say
apparently is was all a mask.
its kinda funny though because i just gave her this poem:

the mask that i wear.

the mask that i wear is always there
its pretense never ends,
i have to wear it all the time with my family and friends,
the mask i wear is always there,
i can not take it off,
without it I'm no butterfly,
i have to be a moth.
the mask i wear is always there,
a crutch and a disguise,
until the day i face the world,
until the day i fly.

I'm a bit if-y on the word pretense but you know
i gave it away
there's nothing to look at
loll
that's my best guess.

anyways they broke up.
he didn't turn up to her bday party because he had a hangover
he also was supposed to buy the present and that was for like half the party members. so no only was he slack but he didn't even call or anything.
hellooooo hes her bf
he was a responsibility, well he has a role to fill.
he was expected to at least call.
anyways jays real upset
apparently shes not all happy dappy jay that we know
i always thought she like didnt know pain ect ect
but now i think she totally does know and hides it
id write more but its late i cant think properly
lol
ill write again soon
thanks for reading
niah xx

friends

Written with a pen



Sealed with a kiss




If you are my friend,




Please answer this:




Are we friends or are we not?




You told me once, but I forgot..




So tell me now and tell me true,




So I can say , I am here for you.




Of all the friends I've ever met,




You're the ones I won't forget..




And if I die before you do,




I'll go to Heaven




And wait for you.



niah xx

playing hide and seek with someone watching over your sholder from generation Y

SOMEONES WATCHING OVER ME - HILARY DUFF
Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight

So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me

Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams

So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me

It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart

So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me

Someone's watching over me

GENERATION WHY - KISSCHASY
I've got a frustration
With higher education
The theory of creation is dumbing me down
And yes I've got an issue with the current situation
Going on in the country whose name I can't pronounce...

Being negative is the best
I'm feeling so happy that I'm depressed
Give my love to my enemies
I'm paranoid and that;s ok with me

The earth is getting warmer
Soon it will be a sauna
And we will have to move our things to outer space
Look at all the slaves
Making jackets out of suede
The corporations run the world and I can't complain...

Being negative is the best
I'm feeling so happy that I'm depressed
Give my love to my enemies
I'm paranoid and that's ok with me

La la la la

Incurable diseases
And followers of Jesus
Are trying to end contraception are they insane?!
The sexist and the racist
Are loving all the hate
And the homophobe, homophobes, homophobes are secretly gay...

Being negative is the best
I'm feeling so happy that I'm depressed
Give my love to my enemies
I'm paranoid and that's ok with me

Being negative is the best
I'm feeling so damn happy that I'm depressed
Give my love to my enemies
I'm paranoid and that's ok with me

That's ok with me

HIDE AND SEEK - IMOGEN HEAP
where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit