domino's continued..

so nan didnt make it to her party,
she didnt make it to Trav's 21st,
she didnt make it to Jay and Lisa's wedding,
at least she watched from above.
if thats even possible.
but the family was around more often,
so we painted her coffin,
like not in colours but like we got crap paint and all got brushes and permemnent markers and wrote messages for her to take with her, it was the best idea anyone ever had, it looked so colourful. so we played with that for a few days. unfortunately i had my graduation the day after she died (which was the 16th of december) and i had to actually say my lines to an audience. It would have been fine if Harry Glen didnt ask 'is that your grandma?' pointing to some random 2 minutes before i went on and me having to say 'no she died yesterday' and making everything awkward. But anyways i lived, im still living, and no matter what happens i know that ill live and if i die its no big deal. but on the funeral i dont think ive ever cried so much. EMBARRASSING! it was just me clutching mr. robert brown for an hour and listening to krystal sing this song from wicked called 'for good' here are the lyrics:

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda):
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you...

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...

(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

and so me and mr. robert brown ran from the people that said they were there for me, ran from all the 'i know how you feel's whilst im thinking shit you must have had a pretty crappy life mate because if you have felt this then you must know how it feels to die inside, i feel sorry for youso whilst we ran to hide, we observed, saw how everyone acted and how my best friends were flirting with my cousins whilst at a funeral. and thinking how could you? its my nans funeral and your flirting with my cousins instead of being there for me even though i was running i wanted people to be there without talking. So i went the the reception, celebration of life thing, it was pretty fun exept for when we had a song dedicated to my auntie teresa come on (amazing grace with bag pipes i think) and teresa screaming and crying whilst krystal was holding her and then krystal couldnt do it any more so tim took over i think and then realising i left mr. robert brown next to the dance floor and had to go past teresa to get him. I think the worst part of the whole day was in between the reception and the funeral when we went back to my house and we sat as a family and then kathleen or teresa brought out the tape nan had got from teresa and she had left a message called 'party wishes' it was the first time ive seen my cousin nathan cry, and hopefully the last, i was the forst one to cry and then nathan started crying and after that i couldnt see, seeing other people cry is seriously the thing that triggers tears more than anything else to me. After that was christmas, we were going to do a tribute to nan but everyone was having too much fun and making everyone sad was a bad idea so we skipped and played kareoke. LOL funny as. damn jake for being so good. After about a month Alice died and that was a major turning point for me, the point where i knew something was wrong, that i wasnt the same. i had never been able to cry for hours on end before, never had a needed to and never do i want to need to again, the service was nice, her husband came but he has dementia and cant remember her, Alice had the same funeral song as nan so most of my family was crying. well mainly all the kids. have you noticed parents can deal with so much more? i dont know if thats just from experience or if its self controll but i cant wait to be able to do that. To find that control, have that experience to hold things in. Of course i can hold things in but eventually i burst, and thats not always a pretty sight.

if you want to check out some photos of my family and hear nans party wishes or anything just go to http://rattyblogger.blogspot.com/ and youll get what you want
and just to clear things up mr. robert brown is a puppet which nan used to pretend was her boyfriend because her husband died. He still sleeps with me now.

niah