the little world of niah

woah its been a while.
well where do i begin
the last time i blogged was march 17
so thats like 2 months ago.
ok well in that last month i:
got a job
got a boyfriend
got a life
am almost finished writing a book
have read like 7 books myself
took up another day of work
had cross country
did well in art class
failed at making toni a birthday present
found out a heap about myself
found out heaps about my friends
gound out who my real friends are
found out how to deal with people
learnt that its ok to cry
cried a heap
started to trust my mum more
lost my blazer and my phone
found my phone but not my blazer
found out that blazers are $220
and felt differently about everything basickly
its been pretty busy in the little world of niah lately.

umm well yeah as i said i have a bf now,
his name is brandon,
hes like the perfect guy,
but as always there is a catch,
my like best friend toni liked him before me,
so i pretended i didnt like him and everyhitng was fine,
and one night i was really bored so i asked brandon who he liked
expecting like someone i didnt know.
he only seemed to like toni as a friend but still i wanted to see her name
and when he said me i like choked.
id totally just muddled everything up
i just walzed into tonis life again and ruined everything
so i decided to ask her what she would do say ing something like
' what would you do if a guy liked you and you liked him but
your friend liked him first? would you get with the guy and hurt
the friends feelings or would you not hurt the friend and not go out woth the guy?'
and she answered something along the lines of
'well i think id get with the guy because if she wa a good friend shed be happy
for them and go and find her own prince charming'
so there i was like glazey eyed reading toni doom herself to like the
hurt that i had to inflict.
she took it better than i would have,
i felt sooo bad.
i mean i want to be with brandon,
but i didnt want to have to add her into the equation.
and then she went on her blog and said

i am jacob.

i can’t pretend that it doesnt hurt.
it does.
it hurts like.. like.. it just hurts.
im happy for them, i am,
but i, myself, are not happy.
and.. i can’t stop thinking about it.
it wont leave me, no matter how hard i try.
i cant let it go.. more it wont let me go.
i need someone to be here for me, but my emotions cant keep the grip.
i push them away.
i want to be alone. i’m always alone.
and now i’m drowning. i’m drowning in a pool and i’m alone.
i’m alone because i tried to keep the grip but instead i push away.
i always push away.
i never hold on.
i can’t let anyone in.
i don’t want them to feel the hurt,
the tragedy, that is me.
i dont want them to feel how i do.
and because i pushed away,
it has resulted in what i stated before.
i am drowning. with no one to save me.
i dont express it, i try and cover it up.
for a while i begin to believe the lies, the false truth i’m feeding myself.
how i tell myself it will be ok,
but then i see something,
or smell something
or hear something
and it reminds me.
that reminds me,
and it all comes tumbling down. {tumblr pun not intended}
the wards i put up,
the things i used to create a wall to hide it all
it just.. collapses.
and then i’m worse off than i was to begin with.
i’m left with broken hope
and a clear view of what i’ve been trying to avoid all this time.
a clear view.
a clear view.
a.
clear.
view.
and now i just have to contain it.
because i can’t just tell everyone.
people don’t understand. I don’t understand.
and i’m the one with the problem.
i can’t let go. i need to let go.

but i’m not the one holding on..
this feeling is holding onto me and it’s not going to go anywhere.
it’s not leaving. it’s not letting go.
and i dont know how much longer i can hold on until it pulls us both under.
i know now isn’t the time for a twilight referance,
but im not going to referance to twilight.
eclipse.
i am jacob.
they picked someone else.
they never loved me. not like that.
but just because THEY never loved me,
doesnt mean it doesnt hurt to see them go off with someone else.


so as you can see i like killed her inside
im the worst person ever
i took her edward from her
her romeo.
what kind of friend does that?
a bad one.
so here i am,
a bad friend
a terrible, heartbreaking friend.
i cant believe i could do something like that.
i dont think anyone could
and then friends like dan say im never selfish or mean
well here is proof
im a big selfish meanie everyone
and as toni would say 'this. is. me.'